M-
You made a comment on your thread when you confronted OM, and then you told us that the OM said " there were others involved".
Just to let you know that me and many others have heard the exact same thing from our wayward spouses. But at the end of the day its our wifes that have the validation issues and the lack of boundries that cause them to pay there dues for the attension they get from OM, and that due is sleeping with thier OM.
See the attention they get from OM will disappear, so they pay the due and take it to the next level. Do not blame your self for her adultory.....make no mistake you have your part for the unhealthy marriage, but you having nothing to do for your WW lack of boundries and validation issues.
Oh I see what you mean, What I meant to say was that I couldn't just blame him because she was just as much involved as he was.
As far as the state of your marriage, the reason the book turnera recommended is so good is that it will help uncover needs that your spouse has that you might not be aware of. (I also like the 5 Love Languages, which also has a free fast questionnaire on its website.) For example, my husband prefers acts of service and words of affirmation (in the 5 Love Languages model) far more than physical touch, which is a little unusual for a man. I like physical touch as one of my top two; it's unusual to have a woman prefer touch to, for example, one of my lowest ones, signs of affection.
But you are NOT to blame for the affair, and the faster you get that out of your head, the better. In marriages where both spouses feel things have gone down hill, and one spouse cheated, often (as in my case) the other spouse deliberately chose consciously NOT to cheat. It's a choice and she needs to start owning it before she is ready to really work on the marriage.
The other thing to be aware of is 'trickle truth.' WSs become very used to lying. They also decide, in the warped world they live in, that it would "hurt" you too much if you knew the full truth.
So, if there is more to her story--if she's done this before, or with others, that is something to find out RIGHT NOW. Continuing to hide a secret private life, even if "it's over," can be like a poison to marriage recovery. You don't need gory details, but you do need to know time frame / nature of the inappropriate relationship(s) / and with whom.
ALL MC, or "working on the marriage" stuff can only work in an atmosphere of TRUTH, plus ZERO contact with the OM(s) and toxic friends. Doesn't seem that you're quite there yet.
Here is a page from the book she reading to you...
Disloyal Spouse Survival Guide...
* Rationalization and projection of blame are an attempt to distance herself from responsibilty for and the consequences of her actions. Alternative explanations are constructed and stoutly defended
* She blames her behavior on her significant other. She feels resentful and self-pitying about the way she considers herself to been treated and uses this to justify her action. The DS is often quite cruel in highlighting, exaggerating and exploiting any and every defect or flaw the significant other may have, or even in fabricating them out of her own mind in order to justify and rationalize her own behavior.
Oh and she did finally come out and tell her mom. We couldn't do it in person because they live far away. She told her that were were have a very difficult time, that she messed things up very badly and that she is on more medication and that the doctor suggested checking herself in for her hurtful thoughts. She didn't however get into the actual details as to what she did.
I decided to call her mom this morning to find out if she did actuall talk to her and she confirmed it. I asked what she knew and she responded with the same information. I told her that she will never understand the severity of the situation bus she said she doesn't want to hear any of the deatails on what happened because she doesn't know if she could handle it. I just told her that it was bad enough that I couldn't even look at her anymore. She was very upset and tried to give me some advice on staying together and working things out. At least she knows now. Her best friend across the street knows because her husband is one of my best friends and one day before all the really bad details came out I told my friend about a kiss WW and OM shared which he then relayed to his wife. We went to their house for a bonfire and at some point when I walked away his wife yelled at my wife with "what the F is wrong with you" My best friends wife was pissed because she was the one that was out with my wife when the OM showed up at the bar. Apparently my wife had asked her after meeting OM to tell me that OM was a good guy and that I had nothing to worry about.
I asked her why if she knew that day that she made a huge mistake why she wasn't on the phone the next day looking for a counselor but insted on the phone with him probably talking about the fun they had. She told me that she thought I would get supecious if all of a sudden she wanted to see a counselor and she stopped talking to OM. So instead she continued to talk to him, allowed fights between us to develop because of him and most likely continue the sexual acts between them until the day i found out. I also dont think it would have stopped if I didn't find out.
I may have been at fault for some of our issues but what she did was plain evil. Now i'm getting mind f-ed by her to make me out to be the one that drove her to what she did.
I asked her why if she knew that day that she made a huge mistake why she wasn't on the phone the next day looking for a counselor but insted on the phone with him probably talking about the fun they had. She told me that she thought I would get supecious if all of a sudden she wanted to see a counselor and she stopped talking to OM. So instead she continued to talk to him, allowed fights between us to develop because of him and most likely continue the sexual acts between them until the day i found out. I also dont think it would have stopped if I didn't find out.
Friend, she is evil and shows ZERO remorse for her actions. Contact an attorney to protect yourself and your kid.
"She is sorry she got caught, not because of her affair"
Oh and she did finally come out and tell her mom. We couldn't do it in person because they live far away. She told her that were were have a very difficult time, that she messed things up very badly and that she is on more medication and that the doctor suggested checking herself in for her hurtful thoughts. She didn't however get into the actual details as to what she did.
I decided to call her mom this morning to find out if she did actuall talk to her and she confirmed it. I asked what she knew and she responded with the same information. I told her that she will never understand the severity of the situation bus she said she doesn't want to hear any of the deatails on what happened because she doesn't know if she could handle it. I just told her that it was bad enough that I couldn't even look at her anymore. She was very upset and tried to give me some advice on staying together and working things out. At least she knows now. Her best friend across the street knows because her husband is one of my best friends and one day before all the really bad details came out I told my friend about a kiss WW and OM shared which he then relayed to his wife. We went to their house for a bonfire and at some point when I walked away his wife yelled at my wife with "what the F is wrong with you" My best friends wife was pissed because she was the one that was out with my wife when the OM showed up at the bar. Apparently my wife had asked her after meeting OM to tell me that OM was a good guy and that I had nothing to worry about.
I asked her why if she knew that day that she made a huge mistake why she wasn't on the phone the next day looking for a counselor but insted on the phone with him probably talking about the fun they had. She told me that she thought I would get supecious if all of a sudden she wanted to see a counselor and she stopped talking to OM. So instead she continued to talk to him, allowed fights between us to develop because of him and most likely continue the sexual acts between them until the day i found out. I also dont think it would have stopped if I didn't find out.
I may have been at fault for some of our issues but what she did was plain evil. Now i'm getting mind f-ed by her to make me out to be the one that drove her to what she did.
She is still hiding the entire truth from you. Most likely it has been a full blown physical affair several times. It is her script to lie to you and try to get others to support her. She is probably telling herself that she can not tell you the whole truth because you would hit the door running if she did. She is justifying her lies in the same manner that she is justifying her cheating. She continues her lies and blame-shifting. I do not see any remorse for what she did - just sorry she got caught and has to stop - for a while. She will start up again as soon as she feels safe.
And you are correct, she would not have stopped if you had not caught her. She tried to get OM to meet you so you would not be suspicious. She tried to get the BF to talk to you about OM and what a great guy he was so you would not be suspicious. She did everything she could think of to turn aside your suspicions so she could continue to have sex with OM.
Now she is blaming everything she did on your supposed bad behavior as a husband. This is BS.
Sorry but she is nowhere near being ready for true R. She may never be. If she has thoughts of self injury, they probably are from the regret, anger, and remorse that her little fantasy life of a single unmarried party girl has ended for now.
Go on your trip and have fun. Forget about trying to talk to her. She is not ready.
You might want to talk to your BF who is the husband of wife's BF. See if he is willing to get more of the truth from her. I'm betting she knows more than you think. Not saying she was supporting the affair, but maybe some times and dates that she had no reason to suspect before take on a new significance now.
She has along way to go, both of you do, but if the right steps are taken you can heal. The process now is what you want to do and what she is doing to to fix her self, with or with out you.
So please give your self the time to wiegh this all out. It took a list of pros and cons, and lucky for my fWW the pros for keeping her around was longer.
For now both of you should be reading and educating your self about affairs and infidelity, So often it gets swept under the rug and nothing changes in the marriage and someone " messes things up really bad" again....maybe years down the road.
Don't let her hid from this. Face this head on and let her face one of many consequences by dealing with the shame and humilation.
The main thing here is maintence in the marriage and maintence as individuals that will prevent this from happening again.
Notice how each and every time she chose to cheat, chose to continue with him, chose to ...
IT IS ALWAYS YOUR FAULT?
First, don't accept this. Just repeat to you and her - "But it was all your choice to cheat"
Until she actually says "I was wrong. I chose wrong, and I wish I could undo it. And I hate the OM and will never talk with him again" ... Well she's not owning the affair, and she's not back working on the marriage. Instead she's blameshifting and justifying her choice to cheat - which is another way of saying "Still believing that affair was right for her"
You may have made alot of mistakes that contributed to the state of the marriage, but the choice to engage in an affair with the other man was totally her idea and choice...not yours.
Before you can reconcile, two things must happen:
1) Your wife must sever all ties with the OM and you must verify she has. Some TAM posters recommend having her write a "No Contact" letter or e-mail to him and sending it to him while you watch.
2) She must fully disclose all the information about the affair and stop trickle-truthing (TT) you. This only strings out the pain and causes problems down the road if you discover her treachery was worse than what she says it was.
First off, do not accept blame for her affair.
Her wayward mind, in order to shield itself from the guilt and shame for committing such a heinous act upon you and the marriage, is literally rewriting the history of your marriage. She actually believes you were a neglectful husband, although you were probably no worse than 75% of the husbands out there.
Second, when you are on your trip this weekend, do not argue with her. If she tries to goad you into a fight, quietly tell her you are not arguing and walk away. Wait a half hour or so and go back and see if she has calmed down. If she is calm, sit her down and tell her that she has ten minutes to tell you everything, EVERYTHING, about the affair: how they met, how many times it went physical, if other people were involved, and that you will do everything you can to verify the truthfulness of what she is saying. So she might as well come completely clean. If she refuses to do so, then tell her you will assume the truth is far worse than what she has given you, that you will not tolerate lying and obfuscating, and you will move on to divorce.
You said the OM mentioned there were others involved? You need to know the extent of this also. Tell her if she does not give you full disclosure, the deal is off and you will seek divorce immediately.
Say all of this to her in a quiet, unemotional, even tone. Do not lose your temper.
You have to be the adult here.
Martinque,
Listen to this advice. These guys know what they are talking about. Especially point #2 which I wish I had done.
Don't let her shift this onto you. I'm stealing this from this site but you accept 50% of the problems in the marriage but she has to accept 100% of the decision to cheat.
It's like telling the police that it was okay to rob the bank because you didn't have enough money to pay the electrical bill when in reality, you could have gotten an extra job, found something legit to pawn, bought some candles, etc. People make choices and you can't justify making bad ones.
The true irony here is that the last few days I have been talking a lot more on the phone and through text with friends and family about what is going on and almost every time she asks me who I'm talking to. Now she is the one who is worried I'm talking to another girl because she knows that's what she was always doing on her phone.
The true irony here is that the last few days I have been talking a lot more on the phone and through text with friends and family about what is going on and almost every time she asks me who I'm talking to. Now she is the one who is worried I'm talking to another girl because she knows that's what she was always doing on her phone.
Maybe I missed it, but has she been checked for STDs?
You should not even think about sex with her (probably the last thing on your mind at this time) until you see test results from a Doctor and verification that she is not pregnant Actually, it is probably a good idea to abstain until you have made up your mind if you want to stay with her or dump her.
Do you really want to go on the trip with her at this point? If not,
and you can not get your money back, then tell her you need to go alone for some time to think about what she has done to you and decide what your next steps will be best for you.
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Re: Just found out my wife cheated 
