I know i feel like i'm losing control and i'm letting my guard down...she has gotten so good at twisting things around and putting a different view on things that I don't know which way is up. I don't know what to do...I want to run and just put it all behind me but I don't know if i'm strong enough. On the other hand I know i'm not srong enough to live with this.
Tell her to leave the house for a week. Then when you clear your mind start the divorce. The longer you expose yourself to her the more mindf**king she is going to do.
I am trying to get OM to talk to me again to see how her story compares to his. So far he has been the most honest with me and seemes to remember more than my wife does since she was "out of it". It's so sad that I respect OM more than my own wife because he has been so open with information. I dont feel that what he is feeding me are lies because he has been having a hard time even answering the questions I ask and he even apoligizes every time. He also told me the last time how much my wife talks about me and how I am her best friend and loves me very much. Of course that didn't stop either of them from continuing to do what they were doing.
I am trying to get OM to talk to me again to see how her story compares to his. So far he has been the most honest with me and seemes to remember more than my wife does since she was "out of it". It's so sad that I respect OM more than my own wife because he has been so open with information. I dont feel that what he is feeding me are lies because he has been having a hard time even answering the questions I ask and he even apoligizes every time. He also told me the last time how much my wife talks about me and how I am her best friend and loves me very much. Of course that didn't stop either of them from continuing to do what they were doing.
The only person you should be talking is an attorney. Unless you're ok having to share your wife in the future.
Dollars to donuts that story she told you and the spin on why she wanted to OM over is not 100% accurate. If she really had that attitude when she had her BJ encounter, she would had most likely just gone NC with him.
She did it because she wanted to, she is re-writing history. You might get a parking-lot confession from her if you try to force a polygraph.
Hope you still have the recorder in her car. You should get the info you need over the next few days. If all is quiet, then maybe she is coming out of her fog, and is willing to do the work to reconcile. Any contact with OM at this point- go straight to D, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Martinique, I have known many couples who have reconciled after one cheats. All the 'rules' you gave her are valid ones; I would add a polygraph test and, if you feel strongly enough, a post-nup agreement. The test will give you a sense of whether this has all been manipulation or if she really did just screw up and regrets it.
Please don't make any decisions yet. Wait a few months. Go to the counseling - IF she meets all your rules. Line up the polygraph. Protect the bank accounts. There's plenty of time to divorce later.
I am going to look into a poly for her to take. I have lost all trust that anything she tells me is the truth. Now I just need to locate one close by. If she refuses to take it then I'll present her with walking papers.
I agree with Turnera. Time is on your side. Take advantage of it.
Your very emotional, confused and hurt. These are the worst conditions to make any decisions under.
The conditions you gave your wife are very good. You have told her where you sit right now.
Tell her it is up to her to work on herself , get professional help and fix this marriage. Encourage her to do so.
Take the time to see if her actions match her words. Take the time to get your head and heart back to a better place.
See if she does the heavy lifting to fix the damage in her marriage. Set a date in your head 6 or 12 months in your head and them make a decision on R or D.
Do not tell her the date or that you are giving her a time frame. Just see if she really wants to fix things.
I seriously doubt that she is sorry the cheated (regret over getting caught does not count). The reasons are already given.
I seriously would get the hell out of there. Consider that the cheating may be about how little regard and desire she has for you. Does she really want to be with you, or is it more about losing her meal ticket?
I would further say that you should assume that she will cheat again (or at least wish she could but is afraid of being caught). Then decide whether you want to remain married to this person.
Why the need for a polygraph? Or a VAR? Or even the need to continue to monitor her phone?
You already know everything you need.
In my opinion, separation may be a good thing in this instance. You need the distance to clear your head, and that is never going to happen with both of you in the same house. You will have too many mind movies.
Once you clear your head, which may take weeks or months, you will regain your focus and make a more balanced decision.
Stay, divorce..... That's up to you. No one will judge you either way. But you definitely need to clear your thoughts first. You need to find yourself agin.
You've been working your a$$ off to put a roof over your family's head and food on the table. It is time you made her work just as hard as you do to help sustain the family. I'll bet that after one day like yours she won't even have the energy to fvck around with other men.
Martinique, I just caught up on your thread. Sorry man, for your loss - I don't see that she is close to remorseful yet, when she told you the details of what happened in the OM's truck it just does not jive, she is still sugar-coating it, still trying to trickle truth you: She wouldn't have gone that far with him only to later realize what she was doing was wrong then stop. She knew what she was doing was wrong the entire time and still went ahead with having intercourse with him because she wanted to, because it made her feel good, she enjoyed it and is still trying to keep the truth from you because she is not remorseful or sorry for what she has done, she really is just sad that she got caught. She is trying to do damage control, and I think you know it but are still struggling to accept it.
Here is a link to something that helped me tremendously when my W betrayed our marriage vows (even though in my case my ex never went through the motions of wanting R):
And just to add, your W clearly has problems with boundaries, so even if you redefine some, such as transparency, NC, no toxic friends, I guarantee based on her inability to stay within the intrinsic one of marital fidelity, it will be a huge struggle and challenge for her and if she is not truly remorseful she will fail pretty quickly.
He also told me the last time how much my wife talks about me and how I am her best friend and loves me very much. Of course that didn't stop either of them from continuing to do what they were doing.
Nonsense, he's just trying to get you guys back together and how does that correlate with :
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martinique78
I She was trying to convince him to come over and meet me so I could become friends with him and allow her to continue to hang out with him without me giving her **** for it. She offered to make love to him, let him eat her out and even give him a blow job if he would just agree to come over and meet me.
The sad thing about this is that she's been the pursuer the whole time.
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Re: Just found out my wife cheated 
