Just found out my wife cheated
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-19-2012, 09:02 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Just found out my wife cheated

I found out last night that my wife cheated on me with a guy from school.

It all started when she came home from school one day telling me about a friend that she made in her math class. She has always had guy friends and I wasn't always comfortable with it but I tried to be understanding. About a month and a half ago she went out to the bar with this guy after class for some drinks and she didn't come home till 3:15am. When she got home she was drunk and her bra was all out of wack. I asked why she was home so late and why I couldn't get ahold of her for two hours. She told me she just got caught up talking with people at the bar and that her phone died. I was extremely upset but I got over it. I questioned her the next day why her bra was not actually fastened all the way when she came home and she told me it was old and the clasp was broken and it popped when she bent down to pick up the keys she had dropped. About a week or two later she was suppose to meet a female friend at the bar and this guy ended up showing up and hung out with them all night until her friend left. Instead of leaving the same time as her friend she stayed another 20 minutes with him. When I noticed that her friend had come home I wondered where she was. She told me she was waiting to cash out. when she got home she said she lost her phone. I did the iphone tracker and it was in this guys truck at his house. Thats when I knew he was there with her and that for some reason she was in his truck. I started to accuse her of cheating and she became furious with me asking why I didn't trust her. We had fought on and off for about three weeks. She convinced me that I needed to see a doctor for the way I was acting so i did. I told them how I was feeling and the thoughts that were running through my head and that I didn't feel it was fare to my wife what I was doing. They diagnosed me with depression anxiety disease and put me on medication. It worked for a while but I was still suspicious of something going on. She fought me tooth to nail when I asked her to break off contact with this guy and I finally gave in an d allowed her to keep talking to him. One day I slipped a voice recorder in the car she took to school last week and I recorded a conversation between him and her. She was trying to convince him to come over and meet me so I could become friends with him and allow her to continue to hang out with him without me giving her **** for it. She offered to make love to him, let him eat her out and even give him a blow job if he would just agree to come over and meet me. After hearing the recording I confronted her with it and she said it was all just joking around. I decided to go talk to this guy to get the real story. At first I was outraged at him and said some pretty bad things. All he could say was sorry but he wasn't the only person involved. A day or two later I received a call from the guy she was cheating on me with. He apoligized again and told me that he knows I'm a good guy and I don't deserver this. He told me that the night they were at the bar till 3:15am she was in his truck topless and she sucked his **** while he finger ****ed her. They were going to have sex but she couldn't do it. I confronted her about everything and she said he was lieing and then she left for about 15 minutes and I finally got the truth out of her. We have two boys together and a house and I can't stand to be around her. she said everything happened because I wasn't giving her enough attention because I was working so much. We had been having problems making ends meet so I took side jobs working on cars in my garage after my normal 8 hour work day and when I wasn't in class. I just cant get over the fact that my wife of 5 years convinced me that I was the one that was ****ed up for thinking she would ever cheat on me. Now I'm lost on what to do. we were suppose to start seeing a counslor to work on our issues before i found out about everything that really happened. Now I can't even look at her without picturing her sucking that guys **** and here making the noises and faces I thought she only made with me. I hate to put my boys through all this but I don't think I will ever be able to look at her or lover her the same way. What should I do?
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:09 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my wife cheated

write her name and # on the bathroom wall .....something like for a good time call!


then kick her out.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:13 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my wife cheated

I vote to move on. I don't think you will ever be able to trust her without some serious consequences for her. Move out look after yourself and your boys. Make sure she knows that you will not tolerate cheating. Stay gone for at least 3 months.

See how she reacts. See how you feel. You might realize that you will never want her back. She might show true remorse and earn your trust again.

If you just rug sweep this, it will never go away and you will never be able to forgive and trust her.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:17 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my wife cheated

That's a cheating woman's favorite excuse.
She lives like a queen and buys every damned trinket she can imagine having. This in turn, causes the idiot to whom she's married to have to work 60 to 70 hours a week in order to finance her lifestyle which includes dating other guys and ****** at him when she's discovered.
The kids make your problem worse than it would be if the two of you had none.
Good Luck
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:20 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my wife cheated

In her mind if she got the two of you to be "friends" she could continue to f*ck him and you would not be suspicious. It is twisted logic. Now she is blaming HER cheating on you. You took on additional jobs to keep your family above water and she blames you for her cheating. Unbelievable.

She is not sorry she cheated. She is only sorry she got caught. Odds are that she will do it again anytime things are not going as she thinks they should in your marriage - and it will again be all your fault that she cheats.

She is not committed to your family, she is selfish, shows no remorse for what she has done and the pain she has caused, blames you for everything, has no respect for you as her husband, she does not even feel guilty for what she has done.

Your marriage is done. You might be able to rebuild a new marriage with her, but with her attitude, the odds are against you. You have to decide if it is worth the next 2-5 years of your life because that is how long it takes to recover from an affair and that is only if both spouses are committed 100%. It does not look like she is and it sounds like you have doubts. Some husbands can look past an affair and forgive, but they are few. I could not do that. For me infidelity is a deal breaker. That level of betrayal is the end for me. Add in all the lies and deception and there is a lot to forgive. Most guys can't do it.

Next move is up to you. See an attorney for options.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:25 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my wife cheated

If you share any bank accounts/credit cards, withdraw the money or remove her name.

Put all of the valuable items/documents into a safe.

Get a legal advice and divorce her. Seriously stop letting her treat you like a doormat. She is not the woman you married to, stop asking her question's and hoping she'll get better.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my wife cheated

Find a post here by a user named Almostrecovered - any post, go to the bottom of it and in his signature are links to several threads - read them all. Start with the newbie thread.

What you should do depends on what you want the outcome to be (assuming she's on board if you decide you want to reconcile). If you currently do not know what you want to do - which totally understandable - then do nothing until you do know.

I would not recommend kicking her out until you have some idea of what you want the out come to be as she will likely only run to the OM - if he'll have her at this point.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:43 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my wife cheated

Figure out what you want either recovery or Divorce, start working on yourself and applying the 180 to help you If she is remorseful and willing to work on the marriage then set-up some guidelines like
no friends of the opposite sex since she cant seem to keep her hands off ie bad boundaries issues, agree to NC with current Om, find out if om has a wife gf whatever and let them know what is going on as well, agree to some type of marriage counseling, transparency in all areas phone computer etc these are things she must be willing to do if she isnt in to it then i would file and let her know how serious you are and that you consider a marriage between 2 people not 3 or more

Good Luck
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:45 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my wife cheated

You have no marriage, buddy.

Kick her out. Sorry you have house and kids with her.

As Sigma1299 said, read the links under AlmostRecovered's signature.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:46 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my wife cheated

I hate to say it, but its more that just what the OM is telling you. She's slept with the guy. Her phone in his truck at his place? Don't kid yourself.
Kick her out. NOW. File for divorce and see if that knocks her out of the fog she's in. Document everything so that you can fight for the kids.
Your marriage is over, through no fault of your own. If you want to try and fight for it, you have to realize that it has to be something new and different. But working through the affair has to be a commitment made by both parties. If she's not interested, then you can't make her do anything. And as you said, you're having issues dealing with what she's done. Personally, I knew I could never get past that. I'm still struggleing with those thoughts about what my ex did (and is probably still doing) with the OM and undoubtably will for months. If you think you can push those aside and work though this, you're a stronger man than most.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:53 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Martinique78 View Post
Ishe said everything happened because I wasn't giving her enough attention because I was working so much.
Think long and hard about what she has said to you.

Rather than come to you in a loving way and say, let's sit down and work on a budget so you don't have to work so hard

or, honey, can we brainstorm a way for me to make extra money so we can make ends meet but still spend time together

or, sweetie, how about we cancel cable or some other luxury for a while until we get our heads above water,

or, I feel like I never get 5 minutes to talk to you, you're the love of my life and I miss you now that you are working so hard....

she goes out and spends MORE of your money and tells (one? two? it was hard to keep track) men that she is available for sex anytime, just name the place.

When she's caught, the first thing she does is make you think you're crazy.
When she's caught again, the next thing she does is blame you.

This is someone whose moral compass is so far underwater that it may be she never had one. I know it is shocking that you married this person who has been taken over by demons or an alien invasion, but you have to deal with the reality of precisely what her ACTIONS are going forward, and not some dream from the past.

Do you have children? Sorry if I missed a mention of them. (Breaking up your responses into paragraphs helps us read the details you want to share.)
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:54 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my wife cheated

1. Expose the affair to her family
2. Get tested for STD's
3. Get a good lawyer
She is a real piece of work. She says she will let him eat her out and she will give him another blow job if he meets you so she can continue the screwing around with him and making you look like a fool. She has no respect for you or your marriage whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
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Old 04-19-2012, 10:04 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Expose it to friends and family

As you go through this - remember what was on the VAR and how easily she lied to you. Do NOT trust anything she says for quite a while.

My advice is to divorce her. Any woman who would do this to you has no love or respect for you. She actually was enticing her lover to become your friend so she could continue have sex with him. That's beyond cheating - that's humiliating and cruel. I don't see how you could ever be with someone who has so much hate for you and your feelings.

But..

Next: IF she wants R - NO more nights/days out without you. None. She used that freedom to hookup and have sex. That freedom is gone. No more study groups outside the house - she can host them at your place.

If she can't live with that consequence - then file immediately for divorce. Do not negotiate with her.

Do not trust her not to continue cheating underground - watch her like a hawk for the next year or two.
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Old 04-19-2012, 10:17 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my wife cheated

Thanks everyone, It's been a busy morning already. She will not leave me alone. She keeps wanting me to not leave her and she says she is willing to do whatever it takes to make things work between us. I on the other hand know myself and know I will never be able to look at her the same way. What she did was just pure evil. This morning after I got to work she sent me a text sayin "F-this life, i don't deserve to live" I got really worried because she is at home with my kids so I sent the neighbor over to check up on her but she was fine. Just sitting on the couch crying. I turned the tracker off on my iphone and she accused me of doing it so I could get revenge by having sex with another girl without her knowing it. I told her that unlike her sex is something special to me that I don't just give out like candy or use to fill some void in my life. So even after everything she did she doesn't want me doing anything. We were suppose to go out of town for the weekend...the first time in 3 years without the kids...but thats shot and shes upset that I'm not willing to use that time to work things out. I think it is way to soon for something like that.
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Old 04-19-2012, 10:25 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone, It's been a busy morning already. She will not leave me alone. She keeps wanting me to not leave her and she says she is willing to do whatever it takes to make things work between us. I on the other hand know myself and know I will never be able to look at her the same way. What she did was just pure evil. This morning after I got to work she sent me a text sayin "F-this life, i don't deserve to live" I got really worried because she is at home with my kids so I sent the neighbor over to check up on her but she was fine. Just sitting on the couch crying. I turned the tracker off on my iphone and she accused me of doing it so I could get revenge by having sex with another girl without her knowing it. I told her that unlike her sex is something special to me that I don't just give out like candy or use to fill some void in my life. So even after everything she did she doesn't want me doing anything. We were suppose to go out of town for the weekend...the first time in 3 years without the kids...but thats shot and shes upset that I'm not willing to use that time to work things out. I think it is way to soon for something like that.
That's obvious. You're working your a55 off to support her. If you divorce her who's going to give her money to screw other men?
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