1990

I've bee married for 17 years with 3kids. Twelve months ago my family and I moved to another city for a career change which involves both my husband and I going back to study at uni full time for a few years first. Anyway, about 6 months ago my hubby started being friendly with a female who started off being a study mate which quickly turned into a boozy group with 2 other men. I began to be suspicious about her as she is ten years younger than the 3 married men in the group. She is single, pretty, slim, and clever as well (the package!!) she's had several boyfriends in not much time at all I think she is very demanding etc as she can't seem to keep a boyfriend for long. Anyway, I became suspicious that my husband was developing feelings for her and perhaps through my jealousy, I started checking his emails etc. the four of them constantly email each other and go out to the pub and catch up for lunch etc. one day while checking the computer internet history I discovered that he was constantly checking her face book page and had also worked out her star sign from her birthday and was constantly checking her horoscope. I kept this to myself for many months which depressed me greatly and to the point that I am now on anti depressant medication and seeing a counsellor. However, so far this has only helped a little. I eventually told him that I knew about it. At first he denied it, then eventually admitted it. He was angry with me that I was checking the computer history etc and said that I shouldnt have said anything but should have just trusted him that he is dealing with it. But if he was dealing with it why was the checking on her getting more frequent? Anyway, now I find myself checking his email all the time, and I find emails that he doesn't tell me about. I've told him a few times that he needs to be honest and open with me, but he is still not telling me about many of the emails and what the four of them have planned etc, and I've noticed that he is replying to her emails but then deletes them straight away. I feel is is still being dishonest and hiding things from me. I've told him that I don't check his email, so he doesn't know that I do. I can't just bring it up that he's hiding stuff from me coz then he'll know that I've been checking them. I find myself compulsively checking it. I don't know what to do. His crush is one sided, that is, I'm pretty sure she is not interested, but she is one of those girls who gets off on flirting with men, particularly married ones (the other 2 in the group are also married). I'm trying to concentrate on myself by going to the gym etc, but i find I am obsessing with his life and turning into a control freak, how can I let this go? I trust him that he won't have an affair, but the fact that he's got a crush on someone else really affects me. It has knocked my self esteem immensely and I feel like he's sort of betrayed me. I often feel like I'm not good enough and that I'm not the one he wants. He tells me he loves me and wants me, but I just can't bring myself to be convinced. Sorry this post is so long, thanks for your time in reading it!
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canttrustu

just a quick question: How are you so sure he wont have an affair? And what do you mean when you say affair? Affairs take many different forms EA(emotional, no sex..yet), and PA(sex and sometimes EA combined). It sounds to me like he is dead in the middle of an EA. A PA is only a matter of time unless you step in quickly and firmly. Ive been right where you are. I waited well past my comfort level for several months...mistake. It only allows the feelings to grow. The sooner you stop this the better your chances of saving your marriage.

I recommend some spyware on his phone and a VAR in his car for starters.

Dont hesitate here, you stand to lose big time. Im sorry youre here.

CTU

ParachuteOn

I know you are hurting, but think about it.....He could just open another email account and just not tell you. If she comes on to him, what makes you think he will say no? Sure, she may not be interested in a relationship, but you said she is the type to flirt with married men. She likes the ego boost, the attention.

I don't know her or you, but I can tell you it will drive you crazy checking up on all this stuff all the time. Do you want to live with this kind of crap? He is giving his time and attention to another person and barking back at you.

Don't let that get to your self esteem. You are upholding your marriage! He is acting like a highschooler, checking her fb and horoscope??? He is the one who will be losing respect for himself when the fog lifts and he sees how little integrity he had/has.

I lost it over this kind of crap and really regret it. Keep your cool and self-respect. Don't let him take it from you.

Lee_Schreck

Tough spot you're in, and experience tells me he will minimize his actions. Chances are he's portrayed you to this other woman to be something you're not to better justify his feelings for her.

I've always thought I shouldn't have to put a stop to my husband's affairs. They never should have started to begin with. But I realize I may be the minority in that line of thought.

Bottom line is, if you're uncomfortable with it, it has to stop.

Best of luck to you, I hope things work out the way you want them to.

hurtingbadly

Take action! My WS also had a crush I used to tease him about, now years later I'm questioning all that really went down. She was younger and I thought nothing of it at first... Also, married 17 years with 2 kids. Course, I discovered he had a ONS ten years ago so he hasn't been the most honest husband out there. Just be careful! Hugs!

Pit-of-my-stomach

This is very dangerous territory. Don't discount this.
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oaksthorne

Yes it is! Your are actually lucky to have the chance to stop this before it gets out of hand. My H never breathed a word about his "friend". The first time I knew of her existence was when I discovered her "I love you" emails to him.

1990

I trust him that he won't have an affair. I am just hurt that he finds her so attractive when I always thought I'd be the only one he would be attracted to. Not sure if that is being a little naive, but I'm also really uncomfortable when he ogles slim /sexy women in public. He does it all the time. I get jealous and feel that I'm not sexy to him if he needs to look at other women.
Thanks for all the replies. It's good to get different opinions.
I just want this all to stop and for it to stop ruling my life. I can't get it out of my head and I find that I can't concentrate on other things.
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hurtingbadly

I am telling you from personal experience, you need to put your foot down now. Hopefully, others on here can give you advise on how to do that. I just know myself and many others on here would agree they thought their spouses would never cheat on them and they did. I trusted my husband completely, so now I feel total complete devastation. He used to talk badly about people that cheated and had the family guy reputation at work!

chapparal

The most important thing is your husband (or you) should not be going out and hanging with a boozie group of people. Gno/bno's are death to a relationship and usually sooner than later. Sooner or later someone is going to get drunk and screw up.

Google emotional affair signs and confront your husband. His lying is telling you everything you need to know. There are no secrets/privacy in a healthy marriage. Thats because when two people marry they become one. You need to put your foot down.

If he has a smart phone you should be able to get deleted texts.

It looks like he has already replaced his marriage with his boozie group of friends.

hurtingbadly

I speak from experience. WS's ONS was from a drunken night with his coworker buddies.

iheartlife

Part of the reason you're obsessing is that he's checked out of your marriage. He is carrying on a secret private life that doesn't include you and he has zero desire to make you a part of it.

As has been said, this is very, very serious. It's the heart of why affairs are so awful. Cheaters think it's all about getting physical with someone else. But it's not. It's about turning away from the marriage. So you see, in a way, you can "cheat" on your marriage without an affair partner.

He has stopped sharing his dreams, fears, vulnerabilities with you.

Have you thought about asking him to go to marriage counseling? If so, what did he say? I'm not saying that is the next step for the two of you. I'm just curious if you've investigated this and if so what his reaction was.

astooge

I was fortunate enough to put my foot down to my wife's friendship with a male co-worker very early in the EA. If you do use spyware/VAR don't feel that you are snooping, you are validating your gut-feelings (hopefully wrong).

that_girl

That sinking feeling of panic and doom is probably the WORST feeling we go through when we find out something like this.

I'm sorry you're here.

__________________

1990

I've asked him to tell me every time he gets an email from her, or sees her etc and I think he agreed. But since then I have checked his email and seen that she has sent an email which he has read. This was 2 days ago and he still has not told me about it. I don't know what to do. If I bring up the topic again he will know that I know he has received a recent email from her. I don't understand. He knows this really upsets me and continues to tell me that nothing is going on. So, why does he continue to hide stuff from me. He told me that he no longer has feelings for her, but of course, I don't think I believe this. I am interested to hear your opinions about what he should be doing to prove this to me - that he no longer has feelings for her.
He still thinks that the only way he could do something wrong is if he sleeps with her. He doesn't get it that the fact of having a crush is a form of betrayal of trust and it is wrong particularly when the other partner is really upset about it, so much so that it has sent them into depression.
How can I get him to understand that he has already crossed the line? That an affair is not just about sex?
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