allow him time.
We know you are remorseful. He should realize it. Until then, patience. He is hurt, questioning the relationship, recollecting what you said and did in the past.
Good that you told him about A. Had it been his discovery, result would have been more painful.
He has allowed you to be with him so far.
Let your feelings find their way into him.
He will open the doors.... Posted via Mobile Device
The reason he's not touching you is he is afraid. He is so very hurt right now. He feels like if he loses control, if he isn't concentrating all the time to control his feelings he will literally come apart at the seams. He knows if he touches you he will break down and lose his concentration.
good post man
I lived the same thing
then when I did touch her again it was like I couldnt get enough
felt like if i held her in my arms she couldnt go out on me again
some call this hysterical bonding
just give him time and maybe try telling him how it hurts you and how you know you hurt him. maybe two wrongs dont make a right and maybe if you confess you need to touch him in a way as to remind him and show him its a way of saying I still love you and I know I made a mistake...... lets start slow baby and go from there
would have given my eye teeth if my ex did that with me
Hang in there is right. I didnt refuse his touch but I didnt actually touch him back (hold his hand, hug him etc for weeks). Its a hard thing to do. Beo is right when he says we are teetering on the edge of totally losing it and to me touching him would have broken me. I put on a suit of armor in essence for a bit. Hang in there. Slow and steady.
Leslie - you need to get help for the drinking and possibly the smoking. The drinking is especially troubling for two reasons.
1. It's potentially a deadly choice for you or someone else if you drive while drinking.
2. There's no telling how it might affect your marriage and any potential for recovery. Who knows what you might say or do while drinking.
My husband went through some serious depression and anxiety. He was suicidal on several occasions. He went to counseling and got on some medication that helped. He was also patient with me - and 5 years later is still patient when he needs to be.
You can get through it. It's still new for you and your H right now. You're still trying to figure out what to do and how to do it. There's a good chance that he doesn't know if he wants to stay married or not. You owe him the time to decide.
That doesn't mean you go away, though. Giving him the time to decide means that you try to be understanding, supportive, transparent in everything you do, and patiently present.
Don't make touching a big deal. Don't ask him if you can touch him. Touch him lightly when you pass in the hallway. Start with small gestures. If that bothers him, he will tell you.
Yep, I'm having issues with sex at almost seven months out from discovering WS's ONS. I wonder when we do things if he did that with her.
That is such a hard thing to overcome. I had those thoughts for a long time. The only thing that helped me, and it won't work for everybody for obvious reasons, is that I asked for all the details. I mean all the details. I didn't want to leave anything to the imagination. This created a lot more mind movies for me but I was able to get through things after that. The only reason it worked is because Morrigan was extremely and brutally honest with me and hid nothing. I could tell much of what she told me was really hard for her to say and even harder for me to hear. Once I knew everything I could finally move on. But damn it was hard to hear!
When you are there in the affair you know that you are hurting your H, still you did all the wrong, but now you want your husband to hold your hand and say blah blah blah. Did you know the gravity of actual pain you caused. Do you have any idea of thoughts he is having in his mind now? i don't think that you know that in its true form or reality.
He was in limbo whether to R or not, but you thought he want to R so he stayed. He was processing his thoughts and mental images of you doing so and so things with your OM. Finally he couldn't make any peace with that so he wanted a divorce, accept his wish because all of it is due to your reckless behavior, you ruined your family so you have to face the consequences, D is one of it.
You may be the super remorseful ( but in your posts you are only worried about yourself) but R or not its his call. But filing for D or asking for it don't mean that you lost all the hope, still you have a chance. Keep yourself on the shelf and try to deal with the pain he is having, it should be your priority.
You don't have any input anymore---it's all on him----Your I'm sorry, and I love you's, don't even register with him---At this point he probably doesn't even want to know you exist, remember, he has been previously cheated on, and you knew what would very well happen If he found out you cheated.
I would guess when you "outed" yourself, you told him the whole gruesome story, of going back to your lover time after time----full well knowing you were in a good, decent, satisfiable mge., and that there was no reason for this to happen-----this whole scene is running thru his sub-conscious 24/7, and there is nothing he can do, nor you can do-----it just has to play out.
You need to clean yourself up---and stop with the self pity----I am sure smoking was something that didn't go over well---and here you are smoking again----you obviously drink to excess, specially when on your own, and tho you say you know how to derail PUA's, you couldn't stop this last train-wreck from happening---WHY IS THAT---DEEP DOWN, CORE WHY---Why did you keep going back again and again, when you knew you were in a good mge, with a wonderful, loving H-----and full well knowing the consequences of Adultery, upon discovery by the betrayed partner---you kept going back again, and again, until you ALLOWED the sex to happen----You have to find out WHY--
--Does it somehow relate to FOO----
You got a whole lot of work to do on yourself---leave your H., alone, he needs to do what is necessary to deal with this himself, and he really does not want to see you/touch you/hear you----if and when he does want you---you will be the 1st one to know-----In the meantime, stop with your own pity party---stop smoking, stop drinking, find things you can do, for your future, whether it be married or diivorced, find things that you can do, to fill up your time, that DO NOT involve you being out there with men, who want nothing more than to sleep with you
Your health, physical and mental, should be of paramount concern to you for that is under your control. Your counseling sessions with your therapist are a great start but your abuse of alcohol needs to be brought under control before it destroys your physical health. A dead wife can't reconcile with her betrayed husband.
Quit the parties, quit the alcohol and stop the smoking. He's pissed at you for continuing to do all these things. He was probably hoping you would have found a discreet way to cancel the party, and when you did not that probably pissed him off even more.
Going out and having fun should be put on the back burner for both of you. You two are trekking through the wasteland now, trying to reconnect. Anything outside this is a hinderence and a distraction.