How long till you allowed your WS to touch you again? A hand hold, anything? I know my confession is still very fresh (3 weeks), but I'm finding it very depressing to not be able to even touch him. When we were together we've gone longer without touching (3 months-business travel) but I've never craved it this badly. Every time we meet, I can't stop crying. I know that probably makes me less attractive. But I'm not looking for anything sexual, I just want to hold his hand.
Sorry, not looking for sympathy but I'm just wondering how long? I know that it's not a good idea to just grab him, but I'm getting a bit delirious and really want to just do it.
Was it a Ea or PA,to some it doesnt matter,to others it can be a huge difference,my WW had a EA,nothing physical but they did meet up in public places,lot of text,phone and an ex hs bf she found on fb.Circumstances matter. Posted via Mobile Device
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You think he's not touching you because he is disgusted by what you did. You think he's not touching you because he doesn't love you. You maybe think he's not touching you because he's trying to hurt you. None of that is true. As strange as this may sound, its not about you.
The reason he's not touching you is he is afraid. He is so very hurt right now. He feels like if he loses control, if he isn't concentrating all the time to control his feelings he will literally come apart at the seams. He knows if he touches you he will break down and lose his concentration. I know how he feels. I remember it.
It was weeks before I touched Morrigan again. I think it wasn't until after I had my mini breakdown that I really touched her and meant it. He's going to counseling with you. He's still talking to you. He's trying to work through this issue and reconcile with you. Stay strong and don't worry about breaking down and crying. He needs to know you are remorseful. He needs to see and know you are hurting like he is. It takes time.
I disagree that your crying makes you less attractive. Crying makes men less attractive for sure. Crying also makes the betrayed less desirable. But crying from the WS shows their spouse they are truly hurting and remorseful for what they've done. I wouldn't be afraid to cry in front of your husband.
It's a complicated matter, for sure. But you might want to start by just resting your hand on his ankle or knee when you talk to him. Show complete submission, even desperation.
My W did this at times during the very early stages after DDay, and it showed me her door was open.
I am just so depressed right now. I can't sleep. I just think about what I've done to him. I'm kind of on this downward spiral. I started smoking again. I'm not drinking excessively but I am drinking a lot more consistently than I used to. I can't sleep. I was using work as a way to stay focused, but I can't even stay focused at work anymore. During my last session, my therapist had me go over what happened so I could see where my first misstep happened. Ever since then I keep replaying the affair in my mind and I just feel more and more terrible. I think it hurts so much because the last time I felt good was when I was with that person. I don't want that in my memory.
I keep having fantasies about not being around anymore. I know I'm not going to hurt myself because that would be an even more terrible thing to do to my husband.
To add to it, tomorrow our friends are throwing me a belated bday party. It's also a going away party for our dearest friends here...who just got engaged this past week. None of our friends here know about this. Tomorrow he will show up to support them. It's going to be really awkward. He hasn't told any of them to try to protect me, but what is the point? I don't feel that pretending to be OK in front of people is any better than having everyone hate me. At this point I would prefer it. I don't think I would be able to stand the party without crying.
My mother is also coming into town in a week. She is unaware as well.
It's a complicated matter, for sure. But you might want to start by just resting your hand on his ankle or knee when you talk to him. Show complete submission, even desperation.
My W did this at times during the very early stages after DDay, and it showed me her door was open.
Today was the first time he would even let me sit on the same couch as him. I asked if I could touch him and he said no, he has no desire to.
None of our friends here know about this. Tomorrow he will show up to support them. It's going to be really awkward. He hasn't told any of them to try to protect me, but what is the point? I don't feel that pretending to be OK in front of people is any better than having everyone hate me. At this point I would prefer it.
If you truly want to reconcile, you need to let him decide who he wants to know about all of this. He is probably realizing that if all your friends know what you did, they are going to view HIM differently.
Once you are hurt, you pull back to protect yourself. It does sound as if you are more interested in what YOU need from HIM, but since you are the offending party, you need to figure out what he needs from you. ( keep in mind I don't know your whole story, so I could be off on that assumption) That really should be the most important thing, and I know billions of people here have probably told you that you are the one that has to carry most of the load right now.
Be thankful for the baby steps, at least they are steps.
This is really tough. But I think next time don't ask. Of course he will say no because he is nowhere near ready to stop holding this against you. Relenting to your touch will diminish his power over this - understand? Instead, just let your hand lean on his calf or something - see if he moves it away. Make it look like an accident. If he doesn't move it away, you've made one step.
Have you offered to go to counseling? If anything, you should tell your H that you are going to get help. Anything you can do to show total remorse and desperation is good.
Baby steps Leslie. If you take one, you can take another. Him letting you on the couch is a step. If at some point you stop making even the tiniest of steps, you have to consider the damage too great to overcome. But you aren't there yet.
Hang in there Leslie, I get how you're feeling. It haunts me when I think about my affair. Hubby's whole family knows about it and the next family get together is gonna be so freakin hard, gonna wanna hide in the closet. Seeing my husbands distrust in his eyes and the hurt he feels makes me hate myself for doing this to him. PM me anytime. You're not alone..I get it and would love to have another WS to talk to. Posted via Mobile Device
IMHO---your problem, is he knows in his mind, that your lover, kissed your lips, your lover, fondled/caressed your whole body, more than likely---your lover if he was inside of you, also made that an area that your betrayed spouse thinks about----he just doesn't want to go where the lover has been, and where the lover has soiled your body----it is part of the whole overall situation, and you need to respect his wishes----he has visions, of your lover doing these things, and it more than likely makes him wanna puke----do not violate his space at this point---right now he doesn't want any part of you, and that includes touching
All you can hope for, is the best gift you will ever recieve---a second chance----he will let you know, when and where.
IMHO---your problem, is he knows in his mind, that your lover, kissed your lips, your lover, fondled/caressed your whole body, more than likely---your lover if he was inside of you, also made that an area that your betrayed spouse thinks about----he just doesn't want to go where the lover has been, and where the lover has soiled your body----it is part of the whole overall situation, and you need to respect his wishes----he has visions, of your lover doing these things, and it more than likely makes him wanna puke----do not violate his space at this point---right now he doesn't want any part of you, and that includes touching
That was EXACTLY my position. The exclusivity of the relationship has been breached and the purity has been tainted.
It takes time.
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Question for BS? 
