iheartlife

awwwwwwww, yor poor widdle WS. I fweel soooo sorrry fwor him!

reality bites


Here's some hard info. that I have a tough time with myself: most men MEAN WHAT THEY SAY. When he says he wants to leave you, he isn't saying, "beg for me back and then I'll change my mind." It is horrible, horrible, and my heart goes out to you, but you will see that compared to most waffling WSs, he has given you a gift that is your path to letting him go.

Will_Kane

Is this normal cheater behavior?

Yes, like an addict. He's a bigger fool than most, but not completely out of the ordinary for a cheater.

I gave him 1/2 of our taxes in February so he had money. He blew through almost 3k in a matter of a month on hotel rooms in her town (2.5 hours away) and nice dinner, beer, and whatever other junk he felt he needed. I was shocked by how fast he blew through it.

He has gotten his ear pierced and has started wearing some stupid fedora hat with skulls on it. I think he has lost his damn mind.

Start keeping notes. I think you have the beginning of a good sit-com.

Unsure2621

It's a really hard pill to swallow but I do believe the things he says are true. I think "I have been fighting leaving you for years" was the one that cut the deepest. I had no idea. I asked him if anything was wrong daily and he always replied "nothing at home everything here is great - just work stress." I think if I can get myself past the fact that I have been living a complete lie all these years I will be fine. I just continue to beat myself up about what I did wrong. I need to go 180 all the way.

I think I am also going to have a hard time with another relationship in the future. Now I will be terrified about what they aren't telling me.

I'm just very sad. I never imagined myself here - but I guess nobody is ever really prepared for this.

Posse

Revisionist History.

Don't put much stock in it.

Others won't do this like your husband did.

Hank567

Don't beat yourself up too much. He didn't have any idea either. It's very common for the WS to re-write history. Commonly, when someone cheats, they say to themselves "I must be unhappy, I need to figure out why".

Unsure2621

Thanks that helps. I have been torturing myself on how I didn't see the signs that this was coming.

Do they ever realize that they are reinventing history?

He is already starting to drift away from my daughter as well. He gets her every other weekend but because he doesn't have his own place he only picks her up for a few hours and drops her off. Yesterday he had her for 2 hours the whole weekend. I just don't get it. I pushed him to take her every weekend so they could bond but he said he has "other obvious obligations" meaning his new girlfriend (OW) and his ghost hunting pursuits. I think it's really pathetic and so shocked by how his priorities have changed. The real kicker is he told me the only reason he stayed with me all of these years is because of her. So wouldn't he be fighting like hell to see her as often as possible? Instead of turning down my generous custody offer. I just don't get it.

I started the 180 today. And the goal is not to break in 3 weeks this time.

Hank567

Unfortunately, you will likely continue to be surprised what someone in an affair fog will do. They behave so differently than what you would normally expect. Good luck on the 180. Be strong.

Unsure2621

Thanks for the support.

I actually think it's beyond an affair fog at this point. The OW left her husband as well. My husband and the OW are publicly a couple. They share many of the same common interests and as much as I hate to say it I think they fit together better than he and I did. So it seems on the surface anyway.

I think it's time for me to accept what has happened. And power through to the divorce.

Hank567

Just because they're public doesn't mean they're still not super foggy. Especially since this whole thing is very new (~6 months, right?). The odds are still against them making it. You just have to decide what you want for yourself. If they crashed and burned in the next year, would you want him back? If not, then do what you need to do.

I know what you mean about your STBX having more in common with his AP, my ex has far more in common with her AP than we ever did. Realize that just because your ex and his AP share some of the same interests doesn't mean they are capable of being in a successful relationship together. Even if you think they're deliriously happy together, you don't see what's going on inside.

Pit-of-my-stomach

Of course he's happy, he's high. All is right with the world when your floating in the clouds... It can't last though. The joyride will end with that relationship wrapped around a tree.

Don't be the airbag.

__________________
Never say Never- The Fog
4 No0bs

hookares

Cheaters become "entitled" and are bottomless money sewers which forever need replenished. My ex has already been through three relationships in just over two years and has already lost the home (house?) that she was awarded. Believe it or not, she has twice tried to hit me up for money in the last two months.
Too bad, for her.

Almostrecovered

If you really want to show him, give money to people who haven't cheated on you, starting with me

__________________
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
Newbies please read this
My story

Unsure2621

Thanks for the advice.

It's still pretty new. From what I can gather they met in October and started an EA shortly after. He left me January 8th. He didn't tell me it was because of her. It was of course because I was having an emotional melt down and he couldn't take it any more. My melt down was because he was going out of town every other weekend and I KNEW something was going on. I started to demand he place more focus on us and our relationship. And he flatly said that he couldn't. He told me about her in February and they have been public ever since. She left her husband sometime after January as well. So about 7 months for the two of them. He goes up to her town every other weekend - 2.5 hours away.

I won't wait around for a year for them to crash and burn. I don't think that is fair to me in any way. I think if the fog magically lifted today I would be willing to work on things. But he is really hung up on this woman so I don't see that happening at any point in the near future.

He seems to be changing pretty rapidly to be more like her. And the group of friends he is hanging around with. I think he was attracted to her because she has more passion than I have. I became pretty boring the last few years as I lost myself in our marriage, work, child rearing and my degree.

I keep blaming myself for not being more like her. But others keep reminding me that this is his problem and his issues not mine.

Hank567

Then it sounds like you know what you need to do. It just really sucks sometimes. One thing I kept telling myself that helped was that the person I knew didn't exist anymore, and was replaced by this new person that I wouldn't want to be around anyway.

From what you've said, it doesn't sound like this new person is anything like what you'd want to be anyway. Also, keep in mind:

You can't be more "new" than the AP
You can't be more forbidden than the AP

When he's addicted to the affair, that takes all priority, just like a drug addict. Even if you were "more like her" (ick), you can't be as new or as forbidden.

Just be the best you that you can be. For yourself.

hookares

"Just be the best you that you can be. For yourself."


Unsure2621, this is good advice. It will probably be your first time thinking of yourself in a while, but believe me, you WILL like the results.