Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Can you even begin to try to R if you haven't forgiven them? I haven't forgiven my WS and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to say I've completely forgiven him 100%. There's just no way. It was a deal breaker to me his ONS. It was ten years ago, his EA four years ago. He's different than he was back then, so it makes it difficult just finding out.
Like many have said its different once you are actually faced with the decision.
Before I found out about H's EA. I had no idea what an EA was or even the existence of them. I always told myself that I would never stay much less forgive a cheater and while I was dating I had broken up with guys that cheated without even giving it a second thought.
When I found out about H's EA I was devastated and angry. How could this man who claims to love me start dating OW?! Worse was all the things that I didn't do to inconvenience him when he was home on weekends such as, well anything really he would come home sit on his azz and play video games while I did everything else. Why? Because I believed him when he said he was too tired to go out.
But once I started researching the whole "We're just friends" thing I came upon this site and it has helped me in staying sane. Have I completely forgiven H? No I can't honestly say I have I also hold resentment toward him and for what he did. Have I been working on it? Yes, I do slip up and say some snide remarks. What makes it hard to completely forgive? H is a complete jackass, he thinks that because I stayed it means I have forgiven him but I told him that it doesn't and that I haven't. I need to see him put in the hard work to this marriage so that it proves to me that he is remorseful and wants this marriage to work.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
I told my wife before we married that if she was ever attracted to another guy to tell me, we would divorce and she would be free. I also told her if she ever cheated that was the end of our marriage.
20 years ago she got way too friendly with a guy she met at the gym. I didn't know what an EA was at that time, but now I know that is what was happening. I sat her down and told her I did not like her "friend" and to choose - him or me. She didn't like it at first but did finally admit that he was becoming more than just a casual friend.
At the time, I really did not consider what she did as cheating. I understand now how an EA can destroy a marriage.
I have reexamined my position. If she came to me and told me about a ONS and was remorseful and begging forgiveness - maybe we could work on it.
If she had an on going affair with all the associated lies, plotting, deception and planning, and I just found out about it. She would be gone.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Quote:
Originally Posted by hurtingbadly
Can you even begin to try to R if you haven't forgiven them? I haven't forgiven my WS and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to say I've completely forgiven him 100%. There's just no way. It was a deal breaker to me his ONS. It was ten years ago, his EA four years ago. He's different than he was back then, so it makes it difficult just finding out.
Hurtingbadly, that's about where I'm at. Still with my CW. I don't forgive her. I don't love her,but don't hate her. At almost 2 years post D-day, I'm now more confused than ever.
The OP's question is the ultimate question for all of us BS's. I had fixed ideas about cheating being a deal breaker before her affair. But now at nearly 2 years post affair, I'm more confused than ever. Children being part of the equation has been the most influential factor for where I'm at.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
My perspective on this as a BS, is its not the transgression as much as how the WS acts afterwards.
Many posts you read have the BS trying to play psychologist and understand WS motivation, fog etc. etc.
Many posts you read have the BS needing certain reassurances like access to e mail etc. and WS more concerned about their "rights" etc.
Step back and look in the mirror, in your gut, do you feel WS is truly sorry for what they did, trying to make things right.
This to me show be the guide in whether to forgive or not i.e. behaviour after vs actions before.
My WS and I didn't make it and at the end of the day, she was never truly sorry for what she did and didn't really want to make things right.
Act of betrayal can happen quickly and is huge. How it is dealt with after is to me the critical component of deciding to forgive, reconcile or whatever.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Let me paint this scenario for those of you who have decided to STAY with your cheating spouse.
What happens if let's say one day you forgot to do something or made a big mistake around the house that you were sorry for, but yet your spouse(the cheating one)decides to rip into you for it and throws out what a horrible or stupid person you are for making that mistake. Where do things go from there as far as your next move, knowing fully that this person flat out cheated on you once or maybe a few times and was caught red handed but is ripping you apart for something a lot less serious - hmmmm??????
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Looking to heal
My perspective on this as a BS, is its not the transgression as much as how the WS acts afterwards.
Bingo.
It isn't up to the BS whether successful R can happen, as much as it is up to the WS. They must be truly remorseful - TRULY remorseful - or the BS is just wasting their time.
If a BS is sure their WS is truly remorseful, then they can decide whether THEY want to stay in the relationship.
Some BS will know right away that they don't want anything more to do with WS. That's how I felt. He was gone that very day and I didn't talk to him for over two months except via email. I hated him. But when I saw what he was willing to do - and still is - I decided the guy I married was still there and to give it a go. And I'm so glad I did. What we have now is better than what we had at any time before.
Have I forgiven him? Nope. I don't think I ever will, not by my definition. Forgiveness implies that the event is behind you and not affecting you any more. Forgiveness implies that you have accepted what was done. I will never accept what he did, but I can see it for what it was - a time of temporary insanity on his part. He has to be vigilant with himself, and always will, and I will need reassurance from him probably forever. But that's OK. We are both willing to accept that as part of what our marriage is, and in a funny way, that makes us better together than without it. It's hard to explain, but the level of reassurance I have from him is far more comforting than blind trust.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cee Paul
Let me paint this scenario for those of you who have decided to STAY with your cheating spouse.
What happens if let's say one day you forgot to do something or made a big mistake around the house that you were sorry for, but yet your spouse(the cheating one)decides to rip into you for it and throws out what a horrible or stupid person you are for making that mistake. Where do things go from there as far as your next move, knowing fully that this person flat out cheated on you once or maybe a few times and was caught red handed but is ripping you apart for something a lot less serious - hmmmm??????
My spouse would never act that way towards me. He just isn't that kind of person - never was.
IF he did something like that, the fact he cheated would be the farthest thing from my mind. As time goes by, the cheating person is overshadowed by the loving person. That's what I am finding anyway. Since he IS truly remorseful, I do not hold what he did against him at every opportunity.
His cheating is in the past. We don't live our lives thinking about it all the time. It comes up once in a while, but it doesn't color the way we do everything from here till eternity.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cee Paul
Let me paint this scenario for those of you who have decided to STAY with your cheating spouse.
What happens if let's say one day you forgot to do something or made a big mistake around the house that you were sorry for, but yet your spouse(the cheating one)decides to rip into you for it and throws out what a horrible or stupid person you are for making that mistake. Where do things go from there as far as your next move, knowing fully that this person flat out cheated on you once or maybe a few times and was caught red handed but is ripping you apart for something a lot less serious - hmmmm??????
you clearly have a one sided view of things with an axe to grind
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered
you clearly have a one sided view of things with an axe to grind
And, you obviously haven't been cheated on for twenty years, so how couldyou be expected to understand?
FORGIVENESS is for fools, forgetting after splitting is the ONLY sensible tatic.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Quote:
Originally Posted by hookares
And, you obviously haven't been cheated on for twenty years, so how couldyou be expected to understand?
FORGIVENESS is for fools, forgetting after splitting is the ONLY sensible tatic.
if I was cheated on for 20 years I would have left in a heartbeat but OP isn't saying that, he thinks EVERY case of cheating should end in D
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered
if I was cheated on for 20 years I would have left in a heartbeat but OP isn't saying that, he thinks EVERY case of cheating should end in D
Although nobody has to agree with him, who's to say he isn't right? I know had I caught my ex during her first "indiscretion", which resulted in her first child, no way would I ever have been able to trust her alone had I elected to stay with her.
Others might easily elect to do so.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Quote:
Originally Posted by hookares
Although nobody has to agree with him, who's to say he isn't right? I know had I caught my ex during her first "indiscretion", which resulted in her first child, no way would I ever have been able to trust her alone had I elected to stay with her.
Others might easily elect to do so.
I've found that most of the time when people use always or never that they are usually wrong
and he is wrong with my case at the very least, I'm sure hope, LM, beowulf, amp and a slew of others agree
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Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater? 
