I stayed with Morrigan because she proved to me that she learned, she grew and she made the changes necessary to protect me. When I decided to trust her again I told her that she was in charge of my heart. It is a very fragile thing and if she broke it again it could never be fixed a second time. So now before she does, says or thinks anything her first thought is how will this affect Beowulf.
And as for the forgiveness. I did not forgive her for her. I forgave her for me. And I would have done that had we stayed together or divorced. Life is too short and too beautiful to carry around that baggage.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelygirl
I hope I have enoguh self-respect to not forgive my cheating partner.
Do people really think this way? Really? I didn't know these intolerant attitudes were still around.
Whenever this topic comes up I always wonder why. What does it matter to anyone else what my reasoning is for still being with my husband? I can understand why someone would want to know my reasoning, but not why they want to pass judgement on it.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964
Do people really think this way? Really? I didn't know these intolerant attitudes were still around.
Whenever this topic comes up I always wonder why. What does it matter to anyone else what my reasoning is for still being with my husband? I can understand why someone would want to know my reasoning, but not why they want to pass judgement on it.
People who pass judgement on others are often people who are unsure of their own thoughts/feelings and try to convince themselves at the expense of someone else.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Yes they are but to many a position of absolute black and white -especially in something as complicated and multidimensional as cheating - smacks of inexperience and condescension. If life will teach a person anything, it will teach you that life is shades of grey - it is almost never black or white.
So while everyone is entitled to their opinion the betrayed spouses here are entitled to say, "hope you never have to find out for yourself" and I, as a cheater, can say I'm glad I'm married to someone more tolerant and forgiving.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelygirl
What's wrong with these intolerant attitudes towards cheating?
Just because you tolerated your husband doesn't mean everyone should do the same.
Everyone is free to express their own opinion.
We aren't talking about an intolerant attitude towards cheating. We're talking about reconciliation.
And if all I was doing was TOLERATING my husband, I wouldn't be with him.
And who is asking you to 'tolerate' him???
You are not expressing an opinion. An opinion says "This is how I feel". You are saying "This is how I feel, and anyone who doesn't feel the same way is an idiot" See the difference?
Thanks for this Beowulf: "People who pass judgement on others are often people who are unsure of their own thoughts/feelings and try to convince themselves at the expense of someone else." I was trying to think of how to say the same thing without having my post deleted.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
I apologize for my feelings in regards to reconciliation. Of course each is free to approach the way they handle their wayward spouse any way they deem necessary.
Hopefully it will work out for each of those who choose that route.
Should it not, perhaps I will have the good fortune to not open threads devoted to their failures in the future.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
The responses have been about 50/50 on wether to forgive or not to forgive so maybe there's no right or wrong answer, so those who were bashing me for thinking this way were also bashing half of the people here as well because of our stances on NOT to forgive infidelity.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
you know.....like COguy, i've partaken in some questionable things, but haven't cheated on someone. notice i don't say NEVER because like most WS, who didn't plan on it, we can't tell the future, right?
given my current status as a filial man, i will not accept it done to me-- that's that! i will not bend backward for someone who has disrespected me, our relationship, and most of all themselves by cheating. like i said, i can't love someone i don't respect.
that doesn't mean i have no respect for a fWS. there are many here on this forum that i have a high opinion of. it's the cheating part that rubs me the wrong way. if i'm able to resist temptation, even during the "downs" in a relationship-- why couldn't they? if my love for said person was good enough for me not to stray-- what happened to them? i can only surmise that they didn't feel the same way for me.....the love was one-sided. i can't live with that.
Quote:
Do people really think this way? Really? I didn't know these intolerant attitudes were still around.
yes they/we do.
why is it intolerant? these are certain standards we set for ourselves and our SO. if they can't fit the bill, then move on. it's called making a choice. it doesn't make us bad people. some people can get past it, while other cannot. just like reconciling with your husband doesn't necessarily make you a weak person; ending it with a cheating spouse doesn't necessarily make me stronger for it. it is what it is.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
CeePaul, I think where the confusion lies is that you are thinking that forgiveness means that everything goes back to square one. This isn't usually the case. Forgiveness for a PAST action, in no way, implies that you are givng the cheater a free pass. Consider it like probation in a court. I once did something that landed me in Juvenile Court, I was put on probation for three years. That meant that I was forgiven my past action, but that I would be under suspicion and watched for three years to make sure that it never happened again. I say again, that forgiveness has nothing to do with trust.
Now your starting to understand. It's just too complicated to have a black and white answer - in either direction. There are situations where I think the betrayed spouse should call it quits and others where I think they should forgive, and those won't be the same for you or anyone else here.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
I can forgive but I cant forget,even if it was a EA with them meeting up at a K-mart parking lot,the meetings never lasted more than 5 minutes because she was so nervious,her telling him she loved him is really doing a number on me.I'm having second thoughts about our R and thats killing me.The attorney she had told her she didnt have much hope of getting the house or kidsbut I could never kick her out and see her try to make it on her own...this sucks Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Quote:
Originally Posted by calvin
I can forgive but I cant forget,even if it was a EA with them meeting up at a K-mart parking lot,the meetings never lasted more than 5 minutes because she was so nervious,her telling him she loved him is really doing a number on me.I'm having second thoughts about our R and thats killing me.The attorney she had told her she didnt have much hope of getting the house or kidsbut I could never kick her out and see her try to make it on her own...this sucks Posted via Mobile Device
I thought you guys were doing okay. What happened?
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