Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
No,if it would have went PA I couldnt deal with it.
Its the lies,gaslighting and her telling him she loved him (15-20 times) that I'm still stuggling with,I'm sure with time it will get better.The OM taunting me didnt help either but he refused to meet me to back up his mouth. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
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Originally Posted by calvin
No,if it would have went PA I couldnt deal with it.
Its the lies,gaslighting and her telling him she loved him (15-20 times) that I'm still stuggling with,I'm sure with time it will get better.The OM taunting me didnt help either but he refused to meet me to back up his mouth. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
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Originally Posted by sigma1299
Now your starting to understand. It's just too complicated to have a black and white answer - in either direction. There are situations where I think the betrayed spouse should call it quits and others where I think they should forgive, and those won't be the same for you or anyone else here.
It all depends on the situation, really. My first wife cheated on me, was unremorseful and unrepentant, and left. She expected me to come after her and chase her like I did so many times before, but I had enough and finally let her go. She never once tried to come home. It was hell.
So I remarried. My current fWW knew of my situation and promised she would NEVER do to me what my ex-wife did. And I had promised myself that I would never go thru that hell again and if she ever cheated on me, whether it be emotional, physical, or both, I would be gone no questions asked. Yet 22 years later she fell into an EA with an old HS boyfriend thru facebook. Yet here I am going thru R. The situation is different than the first wife. She stayed faithful to me all through my military career, through all the deployments, all the shift work, and we've been together far much longer than with my ex-wife. And she's remorseful, doing the heavy lifting and pretty much doing everything to win my heart and trust back. And I didn't give her that shot at R quickly, she earned it with her actions. But if it had went PA, then I don't know if I could have been able to deal with it either.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Quote:
Originally Posted by calvin
No,if it would have went PA I couldnt deal with it.
Its the lies,gaslighting and her telling him she loved him (15-20 times) that I'm still stuggling with,I'm sure with time it will get better.
That's what I struggle with to this day, and I'm nearly 2 years out. Mine said "I Love You" so many times to her OM, even calling him the love of her life, he will always be a part of her heart, she will love him no matter what and forever, she misses him SO much, whining about how she wants to meet with him, how it looks like they aren't able to meet in person yet, etc, etc, etc. Yet they hadn't even met up in person because he's in another country!
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
My wife finally figured the OM out,he's an ex-hs boy friend,a player,liar and a huge looser who did his best to make himself out to be something he isnt.
Finding out a couple days ago that my Dad cheated on my Mom for years hasnt help at all,
Talk about a mind fvck fest,I'm not sure if I can trust anyone now Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Quote:
Originally Posted by sigma1299
Now your starting to understand. It's just too complicated to have a black and white answer - in either direction. There are situations where I think the betrayed spouse should call it quits and others where I think they should forgive, and those won't be the same for you or anyone else here.
I myself am a very loyal person and it's extremely important to me wether it's a spouse, family member, or personal friend; so I expect the exact same thing in return and if a person is unable to be trusted or can't be as loyal to me as I am to them - then again I have no use for them. There's enough con artists and/or sneaky people out there in society walking around, that I surely don't need one living in my house or hanging out with me on a regular basis. As you can tell I am not a very trusting person, and there are a million things that went on earlier in my life that could fill up a book to cause me to feel this way.
I myself am a very loyal person and it's extremely important to me wether it's a spouse, family member, or personal friend; so I expect the exact same thing in return and if a person is unable to be trusted or can't be as loyal to me as I am to them - then again I have no use for them. There's enough con artists and/or sneaky people out there in society walking around, that I surely don't need one living in my house or hanging out with me on a regular basis. As you can tell I am not a very trusting person, and there are a million things that went on earlier in my life that could fill up a book to cause me to feel this way.
And so you have just answered your original post.
Your answer above tells us why YOU cannot understand why some of us can forgive our spouses for their infidelity and why you never will and that is your choice. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
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Originally Posted by calvin
I'm not sure if I can trust anyone now Posted via Mobile Device
This was something that really affected me too. If my husband cheated, anyone could. Part of the reason I am with him is because he is doing everything possible to prove he WON'T cheat ever again. He doesn't mind when I get jealous - he knows why I'm like that. He doesn't mind when I peek at his email - he knows why I need to do that. He doesn't mind when he has to apologize to me again for what he did - he volunteers it quite a bit. He knows what I need and why, and that what he did will affect me for years to come. The thought of getting through all this on my own, or even worse, hooking up with someone new and having to try to explain to them what I need and why, exhausts me. Someone new would not like it if I peeked at his email or gave other signals of mistrust. My hubby understands me and often knows what I need before I do. The aftereffects of what he did would be with me whether I was alone, with him, or with someone else. I want him to be there with me through it because I think it's easier for me that way.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
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Originally Posted by Cee Paul
I myself am a very loyal person and it's extremely important to me wether it's a spouse, family member, or personal friend; so I expect the exact same thing in return and if a person is unable to be trusted or can't be as loyal to me as I am to them - then again I have no use for them. There's enough con artists and/or sneaky people out there in society walking around, that I surely don't need one living in my house or hanging out with me on a regular basis. As you can tell I am not a very trusting person, and there are a million things that went on earlier in my life that could fill up a book to cause me to feel this way.
For you, infidelity is an immediate deal breaker. And that's fine. Everyone has their own limit. There's nothing wrong with that, just as there's nothing wrong with those BS who offer the gift of R.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
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Originally Posted by Hope1964
Someone new would not like it if I peeked at his email
Why do you think that? I've never had a problem with my wife checking my email. I have nothing to hide. People that don't have anything to hide don't mind transparency.
It's like that verse in the bible about those being in the light welcoming the light, those in the darkness run from it. If you're living a truthful life, you have nothing to fear from being truthful and open.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964
This was something that really affected me too. If my husband cheated, anyone could. Part of the reason I am with him is because he is doing everything possible to prove he WON'T cheat ever again. He doesn't mind when I get jealous - he knows why I'm like that. He doesn't mind when I peek at his email - he knows why I need to do that. He doesn't mind when he has to apologize to me again for what he did - he volunteers it quite a bit. He knows what I need and why, and that what he did will affect me for years to come. The thought of getting through all this on my own, or even worse, hooking up with someone new and having to try to explain to them what I need and why, exhausts me. Someone new would not like it if I peeked at his email or gave other signals of mistrust. My hubby understands me and often knows what I need before I do. The aftereffects of what he did would be with me whether I was alone, with him, or with someone else. I want him to be there with me through it because I think it's easier for me that way.
Hope1964 I just read your story...Loved it!!! Congrats to you!
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
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Originally Posted by COguy
Why do you think that? I've never had a problem with my wife checking my email. I have nothing to hide. People that don't have anything to hide don't mind transparency.
It's like that verse in the bible about those being in the light welcoming the light, those in the darkness run from it. If you're living a truthful life, you have nothing to fear from being truthful and open.
It's just the general feeling of mistrust that I can't help but think I would bring to a new relationship. Very few people would be ok with it.
Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
Quote:
Originally Posted by calvin
I can forgive but I cant forget,even if it was a EA with them meeting up at a K-mart parking lot,the meetings never lasted more than 5 minutes because she was so nervious,her telling him she loved him is really doing a number on me.I'm having second thoughts about our R and thats killing me.The attorney she had told her she didnt have much hope of getting the house or kidsbut I could never kick her out and see her try to make it on her own...this sucks Posted via Mobile Device
I'm sorry the R is faltering but I cannot say I am the least bit surprised and I too doubt that you know the entire story nor that you ever will.
If things don't work out you need to realize that she started it, and you are doing what is necessary to make things right including asking her to leave.
This wasn't what you asked for when you tied the knot it was dropped in your lap.
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Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater? 
