Saffron

The discovery of my husband's infidelity was an earth shattering life changing moment for me. I was the person who used to say cheating was a no brainer deal breaker for me. For the first few hours after d-day I thought it was only an EA and already felt like my heart had been ripped out. Upon his confession of the PA portion, I was stunned and simply said "Wow. We're getting a divorce."

We haven't divorced and have been in R for over a year now. It was our 15 years of marriage and having two children together that convinced me to try R, not to mention I still loved him. Hated him, but loved him. Some of you may understand the feeling. Never thought it possible untill I experienced that particualar emotional roller coaster.

D-day has changed me in so many ways and some of those changes are for the better. MC has been the best thing for myself and my marriage. But I also know it probably wouldn't have been as effective had my husband not cheated. It was like the ugly truth of what my H was capable of and him finally having to face who he had become, woke us both up from a life fog.

Honestly, d-day was like waking up to find out you've been driving on a road to no where. My life suddenly snapped into focus and I didn't like what I saw. Now I feel like we're both on the right path and have a clearer picture of where we're going.

So, for me, R is working for my situation at this moment in my life. Would I have been emotionally capable of R 10 years ago? Honestly, I don't think so. Would I forgive him if he did it again? No. Not after going through all this therapy to make ourselves better people. I've said it before, the discovery of his betrayal killed my innocence, if he betrays me again it will kill my love.

Another thing I keep in mind while working towards R is wondering "what if" our situations had been reversed. What if I was swept up into the allure of someone saying all the right things, would I have stayed faithful? Physically, I'm pretty sure the answer is yes but I'm not so sure emotionally.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but no one should judge another for it. I have more self-respect now than ever. I've chosen the path that is right for me. I've grown more emotionally in the past year than I did in the last 20. The strangest part, if I was given the chance to erase d-day and my husband's infidelity from our marriage, I don't think I would do it. I faced one of my deepest fears and lived through it. I am no longer afraid to reach for goals I kept hidden in the recesses of my mind. My innocence is lost, but so is my naivety. I have an empathy and understanding for a situation I used to arrogantly claim knowledge. I love who I've become and look forward to who I'll be in the future.

On that note, R depends on both people. If my H started being an @hole again, I wouldn't throw his affair back in his face. What purpose would that serve? With any disrespectful behavior I'd communicate it's counterproductive to a healthy marriage. So we'd either work on the issues causing @hole tendencies or move towards D. I will not be a doormat again.

Good luck to all dealing with infidelity and to those trying to understand why some of us R. I hope no one ever has to learn this life lesson the hard way. But if you do, take it has an opportunity, whatever that opportunity may be.

hookares

calvin, you have two roads to choose from. You can "hope for the best, but prepare for the worst". or you can see to it you don't put yourself into a position that you care either way.
I have chosen the latter, but since you appear to be somewhat younger, your choice may well be different.

sigma1299

Awesome post Saffron!!!

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strugglinghusband

calvin

I may not have everything but I know I have 99% of it,the text had some lovey dovey stuff but I was surprised that there was'nt even any sexting going on,my wife never jumped into bed with anyone quckly,I'm only the second man she's been with.I know one old boyfriend whom I get along with and he used to complain about how she was reserved,still tells me this(yeah I know then she wouldnt of had the EA on me)Her ex-hs bf,actually told her when he was in prison he had sex with other men,this disgusted her.She has told me more than a few times that she thought about sex with him down the road but wanted to see what would happen with us,that and the risk of contacting a STD from the OM was a huge risk.she wouldnt take,especially with him having sex while in prison.Our R is a little shaky,she's doing everything she can and more,right now its me,still having a hard time seeing she could fall that quick that fast and believe all of his lies,she see's he was a big bullsh!ter,a garbage man is more of a success story than OM.and she was one of a few he had roped.None of the others stayed with him long.Her telling him she loved him just drives me nuts.I caught her a few times shaking her head and muttering under her breathe how sick doing what she did makes her.We will make it,progress is there but slow,I wont be fooled again.Hate to say it and at the same time I'm glad Tams has made me a damn expert on looking for the slightest sign of an affair now.On guard the rest of my life...ugh.
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reggis

Just like TAM is making her an expert on avoiding being caught, since she's on here too.

sigma1299

^^^ That's just not helpful...

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canttrustu

Uncalled for.

calvin

You assume you know all the answers,you dont.I got the facts while you make assumptions,this will bite you in your @ss one day,no wonder you appear to be miserable
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strugglinghusband

Exactly calvin, no one here can see the remorse in her eyes, or hear whats in her voice as she says she sorry, only you really can see it/hear it...

We can only go by the words that others type here on TAM, some have a way with typing words that you can almost feel them (I'm not one of those) but then again they are just words to read, you get an idea of whats it like but you dont truly know, everyones situation is different
We dont get see the OP or thier spouse...the happiness or saddness in thier face(s) and voice(s)..to see them struggle...

I will never put anyone upon a pedestal again, not that I'm bitter, I just shouldnt have put anyone up so high and that was my fault...were all human...

canttrustu

Hang in there Calvin. Some days are good, some days not so good. One foot in front of the other.

calvin

Thanks stuggling and cant I appreciate it,seems to me the balls in my court and I'm not sure what to do.I know she's done everything and more,dont get why this is so hard.Pretty confident we'll be fine
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canttrustu

Its hard b/c your heart is broken. Same reason its hard for me.

canttrustu

Hey let me cheer you up.....my H gets to go sit next to his AP for 10hrs a day for 7 more days til he officially serves his last day in hell. But for those last 7 days.....IM IN HELL!!!!!! At least CSS doesnt have contact anymore. There's some good news.

strugglinghusband

I think I'm standing in the same court..(.Hi Calvin, hand me a cold beer or three please, lets get trashed and go kick the **** out of the other POSmens )

On a serious note, if you dont know what to do, then do nothing, when the time comes you will know...I know the hard part sucks, no matter what thou, working thru the pain is whats needed, you cant go around it....