Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-22-2012, 12:45 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?

I have said it a few times already that cheating is THEE ultimate knife in the back and sign of disrespect you can do to someone, and once someone has done something that wrong to you why in the world would you ever trust or respect them again?? To me if you would be willing to cheat on me you would be willing to do ANYTHING else horrible to me!
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Old 04-22-2012, 12:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?

Some people have a more forgiving nature than others. I forgave my wife, but I still divorced her. Forgiveness has nothing to do with re-establishing trust.
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Old 04-22-2012, 12:53 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?

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Some people have a more forgiving nature than others. I forgave my wife, but I still divorced her. Forgiveness has nothing to do with re-establishing trust.
Well I have no use for a spouse, family member, friend, or hell even a pet that I cannot trust; and I have no idea why you would still want someone around who is undermining you.
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Old 04-22-2012, 12:55 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?

Alot of people think the cheating itself doesn't abolish the years/memories of happiness they had with that partner and so are willing to endure the pain, added with a plethora of other reasons of course. Me personally, I couldn't endure the resentment or project it on the WS, so it's best to start a new chapter somewhere else. You only live once, why waste what precious years you have left living in grief and distrust.
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Old 04-22-2012, 12:58 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?

i agree with being able to forgive so you can move on from it but i did not and could never have use for someone like that.
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Old 04-22-2012, 05:40 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?

Paul, I was very much in the same mindset as you are. Until it happened to me.

I found out that what I think I'll do in some hypothetical situation and what I'll actually do may not match. The real-life problems rarely unravel in same straightforward way as when we idly ponder what-ifs in an armchair.
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Old 04-22-2012, 06:00 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?

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Well I have no use for a spouse, family member, friend, or hell even a pet that I cannot trust; and I have no idea why you would still want someone around who is undermining you.
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i agree with being able to forgive so you can move on from it but i did not and could never have use for someone like that.
In my opinion Spouses are not tools, and a persons usefulness is not defined solely by their ability to satisfy the need/s of someone else.

We are all fallible, those of us that can forgive, are much more in tune with that concept. If someone else can do something terrible, so can I. Thinking otherwise is a easy way to delude yourself into thinking you are perfect, or incapable of making a bad choice.

A relationship, trust, love, partnerships, are all what you choose to make them every day. If you decided to not forgive and "move on" because life is "too short" where is the guarantee that your new partner, every bit as fallible as your old one, wont end up cheating on you in the future?

Free will includes the ability to both do something fked up (cheat) and something amazing (forgive/love), sometimes at the same time.

Just my two cents anyway.

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Old 04-22-2012, 06:07 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?

My opinion was always that if it happened to me it's toodlepip.

Until it actually happened.

When faced with the reality there are always so many things to take into account that you just can't see until it happens. That's not to say the end result is that you always stay together, but rather that it's never as simple as cutting a string and moving on.
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Old 04-22-2012, 06:45 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?

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it's never as simple as cutting a string and moving on.
oh, sure it is
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Old 04-22-2012, 07:34 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?

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Originally Posted by Cee Paul View Post
I have said it a few times already that cheating is THEE ultimate knife in the back and sign of disrespect you can do to someone, and once someone has done something that wrong to you why in the world would you ever trust or respect them again?? To me if you would be willing to cheat on me you would be willing to do ANYTHING else horrible to me!

I guess I'm having trouble figuring out the point to this post


Ok, so infidelity is the deal breaker for you

it is for lots of people

but it isn't for lots of others either

we are all different, some of us are very religious, some of us are casually spiritual, some of us are agnostic or athiest. And despite how much the any one person from a particular category fails to understand the others it doesn't mean that they don't exist or they aren't just as set in their own convictions.


I was once like you, I was prepared to cut all ties and head for divorce. I was convinced otherwise by my spouse through actions and I don't regret R in the slightest now, in fact I embrace it. But I don't fault others for their choice to D.

That said, there are definite cases where it is evident that R will fail based on what the BS tells us about the WS or their own feelings. In those cases I will speak up in the hopes of helping the BS see more clearly and perhaps make a better and more informed decision.

But to make a blanket statements like "once a cheater, always a cheater" or "always divorce if you are cheated on" I think are disingenuous statements that cater to one point of view only.
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Old 04-22-2012, 07:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I'm not one of them that would forgive, no matter what the lies and excuses that were given to try and justify such a horrible act.
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Old 04-22-2012, 08:13 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?

i think this thread is about trying to understand why/how people can forgive such an infraction.

i've often wondered that myself.


for me, the respect would be gone forever, and i can't love someone i don't respect.
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Old 04-22-2012, 08:30 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?

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Originally Posted by 2nd_t!me iz_best View Post
oh, sure it is
Speak for yourself. My decision to divorce my ex-wife was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced and that includes the death of my first wife from cancer.

I forgave my ex-wife for MY well being not hers and chose not to reconcile and end the marriage for MY healing. MY recovery came FIRST.

I refuse to allow anger and bitternes to poison my life and the lives of the ones I love. I make no apologies to anyone who views things differently.
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Old 04-22-2012, 08:32 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?

This question got me to thinking about how the dictionary defines both "forgive" and "excuse."

The American Heritage Dictionary gives the following definition:


v., -gave (-gāv'), -giv·en (-gĭv'ən), -giv·ing, -gives.

v.tr.
1.To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
2.To renounce anger or resentment against.
3.To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example).


Read more: forgive: Definition, Synonyms from Answers.com


With that in mind, I cannot say at this time that I forgive my STBXH for cheating, period. For to do so would be to "excuse" it and I see absolutely none. Perhaps I am too literal in this, too analytical, don't know. Possibly, in time I'll be able to forgive. Matter of wait and see.
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Last edited by cherokee96red; 04-22-2012 at 08:42 AM.
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Old 04-22-2012, 08:40 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Still don't know HOW some of you forgive a cheater?

It's an interesting subject, like many I say it's a deal breaker, but if I actually found out who knows what my reaction would be.
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