Mario Kempes

Thank you so much, River Rat. I'm trying to escape from my misery also. I need to talk to her about it again, I feel, to try and get closure but I've decided (after years of promising myself) that I'm gonna have counselling.

I don't know a whole lot about how counselling works. Will it be possible for me to get out the other side if I feel that she's not being fairly open about the whole EA?

Mario Kempes

So do I, Kallan, thanks.

Mario Kempes

That's exactly it, Shaggy. I couldn't have put it better myself. I feel like quoting you verbatim when I get to talk to her about it.

lordmayhem

This is what happens when you allow them to sweep it under the rug. We see this time and time again here. The WS got to have an affair, trust is completely destroyed, and the BS is left to suffer in silence and sweep up the pieces. Absolutely no consequences for her affair. None whatsoever. And I don't believe for a minute that it ended that simply, especially when there were plans to meet up.

And Mario Kempes here makes absolutely no effort to verify her transparency even though it eats at him every day.

Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights « betrayed but recovering



In a world where a marriage is as likely to end as not, we sometimes forget what a partnership is in the early days after discovery of infidelity. We lose ourselves in the desperation to hold onto your loved one. Remembering your rights will help you no matter which path your marriage takes.

1- You have a right to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. By having an affair, your spouse has closed off the relationship with you and opened one with the OP (other person). You have a right to insist this is reversed for your healing and to assure that loyalties have been realigned.

2- You have the right to trust- but verify. Trust has been broken, ‘snooping’ is not snooping. It is verifying that someone proven to be a liar, sneak and cheat has changed their ways. Like an addict, a WS(wayward spouse) will often go back to their emotional fix. You have a right to verify this is not happening.

3- You have the right to insist there are only two people in the marriage. That choice was made when you made vows to each other. Even a moment with a third person is too much. You owe your WS no time to ‘think about it’. There’s a marriage or there’s none.

4- You have a right to know who the OP is, the flip of this is you do not have a right to harm or harass this person. Hold yourself to a better standard than the OP did.

5- You have the right to choose to give the gift of reconciliation or to divorce. You have the right to take some time to make that choice. If you one day realize you cannot live with the truth of what has been done, you have the right to walk away.

6- You have the right to insist your WS gets STD testing done and to see the results. Even if the WS claims it has not gotten physical, as many WSs will admit to “only a kiss” when it has gone much further.

7- You have the right to insist that your WS initiates and honors NC (no contact) immediately. You have a right to have input and to be a witness to how NC is established.

8- You have a right to set and enforce boundaries. This is not blackmail or any of the other negative words your WS might use. This you protecting yourself.

9- You have a right to hold onto evidence for as long as you need it to feel safe. Your WS has created an atmosphere of risk and danger. It is natural to have a safety net to counteract what has been brought into your marriage.

10- You have a right to know who your WS’s friends are and the nature of their interactions. If it is kept a secret, it is not healthy for the marriage and therefore something is amiss.

11- You have the right to out the affair to anyone you deem will help you and/or your marriage. This is not your secret to keep, this is not your shame to hold. You owe no protection to those that failed to protect you.

12- You have a right to heal on your timeline. As long as you are making steady progress, you are healing. It is a slow process and a WS that says things along the lines of, “You’ll never get over this!” does not have a full grasp of the damage betrayal causes. This is a healing process that takes from 18 months to five years.

13- You have a right to yell, cry, fall apart and otherwise handle this in any way that relieves some of the devastating pain, shock and loss of trust. Your world has been turned on its end. You do not have the right to physically, verbally or otherwise abuse your spouse.

14- You have the right to insist on a true marriage. A marriage of partners, where you love, honor and protect each other. If you feel your marriage is missing one of these components, either fixing it or leaving are your only two options. You don’t have the right to cheat and/or turn someone else into a betrayed spouse.

15- You have a right to love yourself. Often the betrayed have forgotten themselves as an individual. This is the optimum time to remind yourself that you are unique and lovable in your own right. That as much as you might love your spouse, you should love yourself enough to refuse any sort of mistreatment.

__________________
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights
The Betrayed Spouse Script
Just Let Them Go

Mario Kempes

Thanks, Lordmayhem.

A general question for you all . . . Should I take heart from the fact that, on the day I took her phone to work, knowing that he'd probably start texting to it, she didn't appear to contact him to warn him that I'd be on the other end of the line?

river rat

I spent 2 yrs in counseling to learn to accept that there will always be things that I do not know and cannot understand about the affair. Perhaps acceptance is a better term than closure. These things don't just go away; you just learn to find your own happiness.

Mario Kempes

Would anybody like to comment on my question above?

Will_Kane

A general question for you all . . . Should I take heart from the fact that, on the day I took her phone to work, knowing that he'd probably start texting to it, she didn't appear to contact him to warn him that I'd be on the other end of the line?

Was this recent or four years ago?

In any event, it is a good sign that you did not detect that she tried to contact him and warn him. It means that MAYBE she actually did not. Then again, there are many ways to communicate and maybe she was able to do it without you knowing about it. Or maybe she really wanted to do it but was not able to because of the circumstances and you monitoring.

So, in my opinion, not too big of a deal, not much to take to heart. Remember, you're dealing with a cheater, and cheaters lie and hide things. After so many lies, it's hard to weed out the truth from the lies. You are still questioning it, so that is a bad sign.

bryanp

If the roles were reversed I bet that your wife would not have let this go for 10 years like you did.

Mario Kempes

Thanks for the reply, Will. It all happened about ten years ago. I can remember exactly but, I'm sure that if I cast my mind back to what else was going on at the time, I could pin it down exactly.

I too think (and thought at the time) that it was a good sign that she didn't appear to tip him off. I can't remember if it was her idea that I should take her phone to work that day or not. I presume that she had his phone number somewhere else besides her phone and could have tipped him off. I don't think we'd have had the exchange we had if he knew I'd have her phone. But I guess I'll never know.

Unfortunately, I hadn't discovered TAM at the time and didn't do the right things. When I came home from work that day she lost it because I'd phoned him from my own phone to tell him to never contact her again. She told me that she'd wanted the opportunity to finish it and, being the idiot I was at the time, I apologised and asked her to tell him I was sorry. Looking back, I can't believe how weak I was. I guess I was in a state of shock and anger and was looking for the quick fix at the time.

After that, she said she'd contacted him and told him. I asked her how things ended up and she said that that was the end of it but that he said he might just text her the very odd time, e.g., at Christmas etc.

I was all over the place at that time and let that go. If it was now, I'd freak! I do remember that he did text her again shortly afterwards and she told me and was hysterical, fearing a bad reaction from me.

I don't know if there was any contact since. He worked in the hospitality industry and I visited his place of work a few times. I casually spoke to a few people working but I don't think he was there any time I called. It's about a 2 and a half hour drive from our house and I'm almost certain that they never met. I've had no reason to suspect her in any way since and things are pretty good at the moment but it's still the elephant in the room.

I've wanted to talk it through with her for years because it's often there at the back of my mind but any time I tried, she became very upset and embarrassed and I backed off.

But now I realise that I can't move forward till I do talk to her about it and I have to put my feelings first to do so, hence the title of the thread.

Mario Kempes

I think you're probably right, Bryan.