Mario Kempes

About ten years ago my wife had a EA. This is a brief account of what happened . . . . (copied and pasted from a previous post).



My wife started texting a guy who texted her by accident (wrong number) and it went from there. It was I who read the initial text from him. She asked me to read it because she was busy doing something. It was a bit suggestive-I think he was casting his line and hoping for a bite. And he got one. She replied saying that his text was a very suggestive text to be sending to a 40+ married woman. I warned her that sending it was a mistake and she sent it anyway, and it went from there.

I suspected that it wouldn't end there and it didn't! I started checking her phone (something I'd never done before) and, sure enough, the textual affair was up and running.......

During the following week or two, she became very impatient with me and knocked me a lot. She had no interest in me sexually and everything I seemed to do was wrong.

During that time, a text came in to her phone and I read it. It was from him. She asked me who it was from and I said it was some guy who'd send her text jokes over the weekend, if she wanted. She said it wasn't some guy. She said it was a work colleague. I didn't display the patience of a card player and I told her I knew all that had been going on. Initially she denied everything point blankly. Then, bit by bit, she admitted things.

To cut a long story short, she said that the whole thing excited her and that I hadn't shown any interest in her, prior to it all. (Fairly true, I have to admit). She said that he was interested in her purely for who she was, but stressed that they had never met up and that he didn't know her name. He just knew her by her first initial.

Anyway, I totally lost it and shouted at her, asking if she thought I was stupid enough not to cop on to what was going on and to believe, like she had told me, that it wouldn't go any further. Later, she admitted that he had asked to meet her and there had been the suggestion, by him, of something physical between them. The following day, I took her phone to work, with her agreement, and after about an hour, a text came through from him. I replied, pretending to be her and we exchanged about ten texts. Finally, I couldn't take anymore and I phoned him (I hid my cell phone number). I got his voicemail. I told him that it had been me who had been texting him all day long, that I knew what was going on and that I never wanted him to contact my wife again!!!

When I got home, I told my wife what had happened. She became angry, saying that I should have allowed her the chance to finish it instead. I felt a bit foolish over the way I had behaved (I had been blinded by anger) and told her I was sorry. I asked her to text him and to tell him that I shouldn't have done what I did. She said she would and that would be the end of it.

That was definitely the lowest point of my life. Nothing has ever come close to it. I did blame myself, partially, for it, as my wife's emotional needs weren't being met by me. She insists that there was never any contact after that. I believe her but something like this damages trust to the extent that, deep down, there will always be some little element of doubt in my mind.




We've got on with our lives since then. Things have been ok, by and large, but what happened continues to be the elephant in the room. For example, when she gets a text, she'll open it and announce to me who it's from, etc. When she gets texts and is not in the room, etc., I don't open them. She says that I should have checked to see who it was from but I don't and I make some stupid excuse like I don't know how to operate her phone (it's a more advanced model than my basic one) and don't ever check it.

In the past year, I started to grow emotionally apart from her. We didn't hug or kiss very much and I made no sexual advances at all. The whole thing came to a head about two months ago and we had a blazing row.

To cut a long story short, the arguement and shouting match was very beneficial and we aired a lot of things. She's a much more affectionate person than me but I've made a big effort since then to be the husband I should be and our sex life has improved greatly also.

During our exchange, I made reference to her EA. (I didn't use the term EA because I don't know if she's familiar with the jargon we use here). I told her that I hadn't had closure and that I needed us to talk about it. She said that she lives for the present and I seem to live in the past but I told her that I need to sort out the past before I can deal with the present. I still have so many questions to ask her about it.

I thought I'd put it behind me but coming her to TAM triggers me a lot and I seem to be thinking about the EA quite a bit lately. She agreed that we should talk about it but I want to do it when we're free to speak without the kids being around, etc. She says that she told me everything. I don't know if she did.

I told her that I just wanted to hear everything and didn't want to stand in judgement over her. I just want answers to all my questions and to be able to move on. And I told her that I wanted to tell her the things I did in reaction to what went on, like visiting his work place, etc. We unintentionally began to talk about it last week. But early in the conversation, I got the, " I can't remember really. It happened so long ago and I've drawn a line under the whole episode and moved on" bit.

What should I expect from her when we do get to talk about it? Will there be more of this "amnesia?" I read somewhere, probably here, the someone who's had an EA will remember every detail vividly. Is this true? Maybe that's only for PA's, which this wasn't. Or could she have closed the book to the extent that she genuinely won't be able to answer some of the questions? Or will there be trickle truth?

I'd really appreciate your thoughts on the matter.

Remains

If she has moved on from it, and it was 10 years ago, there are going to be details she would have forgotten. She will not have been thinking about this hardly at all for last 10 years. I would imagine u may well remember it much more vividly than her as you were the injured party. I would imagine if she hasn't been thinking about, bits will be forgotten, she may even get mixed up on facts and events, have to think in order to dredge the memory back to the forefront. I would think if this EA still bothers you after 10 years then it may be you that has the problem. I realise there will be continued effects from something like that, possible side effects, emotional side effects, but it seems this is more than just that. Talking to her may well cause you more problems than solve, especially as you continue to look for 'something else' or for her to slip up on a 'lie'

Mario Kempes

Thank you, Remains. For years it wasn't a real issue anymore but coming here seems to trigger me a bit sometimes.

I am afraid that dredging through it all again may cause a bit of damage but I have a few questions that I just have to have answers to, e.g., Did it really start with that first text or was it up and running at that stage? How did it really end? How did he react to it ending? Was there any contact since? etc.

I know I have to balance my need for answers with the risk of causing upset but I don't think I'll be able to close the book if I don't get answers.

I must say that I'm happy to read that you think she may genuinely not be able to remember things about it.

sunshinetoday

-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums

Fvstringpicker

I think after 10 years the statute of limitations has run on a number of serious crimes. The so called "EA" appears to be on the minor side. You admitted that you were ignoring her needs. She need affirmation like most folks. If the shoe were on the other foot, what would you do?

Will_Kane

What should I expect from her when we do get to talk about it? Will there be more of this "amnesia?"

Yes, nothing but "amnesia" from your wife when you talk about her infidelity from 10 years ago. Your wife doesn't want to talk about it and she's made that clear to you. ("She said that she lives for the present and I seem to live in the past.")

She will use the time since it occurred as an excuse not to talk about it. She will be afraid that if she tells you things now, they may not jive with what she told you 10 years ago.("She says that she told me everything.") Most likely, she did not tell you the entire truth 10 years ago. Cheaters very rarely reveal all willingly, only what they think you can prove. Almost definitely, she doesn't remember exactly what details and lies she told you 10 years ago. She will tell you over and over she can't remember anything until you quit asking. She will be afraid that any new revelation will make you angry for having been lied to.

I told her that I just wanted to hear everything and didn't want to stand in judgement over her. I just want answers to all my questions and to be able to move on.

I don't believe this, surely your wife doesn't believe this either. I would expect you to get very angry at a new revelation, your wife expects the same.

Think back to a girlfriend you had long ago. What can you remember? You remember the general feelings you had for the girl, you remember the significant things you said and did with the girl, but you might not remember the chronological order of the events and you probably don't remember many of the smaller details. This likely is what your wife will remember about her affair.

Now, think about what you told your wife about that old girlfriend. How much do you remember about what you told your wife? Probably not much. That is how much your wife remembers about what she told you 10 years ago.

I think you are wasting your time and torturing yourself needlessly.

AngryandUsed

Why would you want to know?

CH

Probably because in the back of his head he has been wanting to ask but was afraid to. It only took 10 years for the resentment to grow enough for him to get it out IMO.

Mario Kempes

You're right there, Cheatinghubby. I was a bit surprised that AngryandUsed asked why I wanted to know. Don't all spouses who've been cheated on want to know all the facts?

Fvstringpicker, you're right in what you say. It was on the minor scale of things alright but I'm convinced that it would have gone much further if I hadn't intervened. How far it might have gone plays on my mind a bit sometimes.

Will, thanks for your blunt observations. Appreciated. I know that I'm torturing myself by wanting to talk about it but I also feel some torture not knowing all the facts. I disagree with you when you say that I'd get mad at a new revelation. She agreed that we should talk about it and recently drew it up and told me that we will talk about it. She's not fobbing me off, I think.

I know for definite that they never met although he wanted them to. She told me all that and I was able to verify. I know that there aren't any startling revelations waiting for me.

As I said in my original post, I want to know how it really ended, what he said, etc. For years I haven't drawn it up because my wife became very embarrassed, ashamed and upset when I did and I didn't want to make her feel any worse. I was able to forgive her some time after the whole affair and that helped her greatly when it came to moving on.
I just want to move on as well and I need to talk about it before I can.

Fvstringpicker

There are two things you'll never absolutely know MK. 1. If you're getting the "whole" story, and 2., how far it would have went if you didn't intervene. The truth is there is not a person on this site that can be absolutely certain in all matters concerning their spouse no matter what their spouse says. Your wife stepped over the line to an extent. Look at it from a worst case scenario. Suppose she would have ended up sleeping with the guy. If you'd never came along, left her, or kicked the bucket, she'd end up sleeping with someone else eventually. Like every guy out there and the respective spouse, you ain't the only one in the world that can push the wife's buttons. There are other guys out there that can make two of you or me. Its like my Grandaddy used to say, " you ain't the only one that can plow that field boy." You caught it in time and it never got that far. Hell, she probably doesn't know how far it would have gone. You're creating a living hell for yourself that will destroy your happiness and peace of mind. You're asking questions where you're never going to completely sure of the answer. You're playing movies that were never filmed and you're making yourself a worse victim with each iteration. The statute of limitations has run. Drop the charges. And if you really think about it Mario, after living with you 10 years beyond the offense, maybe she earned a reprieve.

Shaggy

For what it's worth, up until you back tracked and let her make you feel guilty for confronting him you did a great job of defending your marriage from this guy.

Your only mistake was backing down and letting her contact him, especially in private like she did. You at that moment let her make him a higher priority than her husband and her marriage. She was more worried about ending it nicely with him than she was about ending her marriage.

I'm very surprised it didn't go underground at that point. You got very lucky.

But that choice to let her worry more about him, than bring worried about how she could fix her marriage after her sexting affair, is what has brought the two of you here now. It left you with resentment and an elephant in the room.

How can your marriage grow with an elephant sitting on it?

And while 10 years is a long time, it's not too late to slay the elephant. You aren't out to convict her or issue a new punishment, and you need her to know that to be the truth. But you are out to clear the air, tell your partner your hurt and feelings and tell her you just want to slay this elephant, and dump it out of your marriage for good.
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ParachuteOn

Sorry --- but the way your story begins, does not sound right at all:

My wife started texting a guy who texted her by accident (wrong number) and it went from there.

While I agree that the statute of limitations is in question....Why wait till now to clear the air? A decade? But anyway. It sounds really fishy. Was it a wrong number or a work colleague ? That would be my first question.

Good Luck and get ready for some amnesia!

Kallan Pavithran

I am very much worried about people coming her with the sad story of wife/husband cheated and they want to forgive and R as soon as possible, they actually don't know what they are forgiving, but it can create resentments over years and many marriages will crumble down when they cant any more bear the resentment and question the WS. BS who ever rug sweep and dont deal with their emotions properly will face it one day.

I hope this wont happen here with Mario Kempes.

river rat

Mario, take a good, hard look at your relationship and answer one question: do you want to save it? If you do, then you need to fix yourself. It took me years to come to terms with my wife's affair. During that time I was one miserable creature. I finally overcame my misery by realizing that I, alone, am responsible for my happiness. I did this thru counseling and just plain hard work. If you currently have a good marriage, get to work. There's a lot to be done here.

Mario Kempes

Thanks, Parachute. That's the first question I'd like to have the answer to. I was there when that "initial" text came in to her phone - we were both in the kitchen and when we discussed it after, she said that was when it started. Being blinded with rage, at the time, I don't think it dawned on me that it might have been going on longer. Some time later it did but it was never discussed. Any time we started to talk about it, she became extremely upset and I always backed off. Idiot me! It's all been building, building, building inside me since.

I can go months without a trigger but the triggers kick in a lot when I visit this site, which I do very regularly. I've tried to cut it back but I seem to end up here at least a few times every day.