Been lurking for a few weeks. My gut says something is going on, and I think there are signs from other people. So here goes...
My wife of 10 years, and us mostly together in high school for another 4 dating before that, seems to have changed a few months ago. Some of the girls where she works got her a membership to a spa and gym thing for christmas. Please understand that she has to look hot bc she is a drink waitress in a major LV casino resort, so this isn't a big deal at face value. The better the girl looks and the friendlier she is, the bigger the tips, so it makes sense. What bothers me is that she works all day and then spends another thrre to four hours at this gym three or four days a week late at night. This has cut majorly into our time together, we have dinner then she is gone until around 11 or so.
I also work nearby and we used to lunch together a few times a week, but this also has changed as she now hangs with these new youngr friends, and we don't do as much together on days off anymore bc she is with these other girls most of the time now or "needs some space". Her job is a high turnover position, so a few of the girls have been with h er for the 8 years she has been working there, but most come and go. A couple of the long term girls at her work I know and are good friends with me, but my wife has distanced from them too starting last christmas. One of them is concerned bc of the chatter she overhears at work about the gym trainers being "totally hot" guys. She hasalso heard the these girls refer to me as Deadweight and Loser and a few other names. This friend has also learned none of these girls, about 8 of them, are married but they have boyfriends. The BFs also get trashed talked except for a few that are "cool" or "OK with it". My friend doens't hang around for details, but says she and another girl i know there are concerned about my wife joining in with this talk and this group.
I'm wondering what to do. Should I ask for more time togetheer? Should I be suspicious? Could this just be a crisis thing for her bc we're coming up on 30? I feel like i'll do damage if I'm wrong bc she hasn't been with anybody else since school before we married. Also, this is the first time she seems to be hiding something from me. Should I look into this more and see if I should be worried?
She may not be having an affair, but she may as well be.
I said this recently in another thread. Cheaters think that as long as the physical side of things hasn't taken off, then they are still in the clear.
But cheating starts way before then--essentially, it the creation of a secret private life from which the spouse is excluded.
By that definition, even if all your wife is doing is hanging out with a bunch of toxic friends at all hours, she has already crossed over.
She is no longer sharing her inmost thoughts, feelings, dreams, and fears with you. Your goal if you want to bring her back from the brink is to crack through this shell that she's hardening against you.
If you sense there are other signs that she has taken on a BF of some kind, lay low until you have solid evidence. A big rookie mistake that is almost a given is to confront the spouse with a big show with a teeny bit of evidence. Even if the evidence is 100% solid, you risk driving the affair deep underground where you are tricked into thinking everything's ok. And then you wake up some time later and to your dismay it's still going on.
In the meantime, I'd push hard to have lunch with her at least 2x a week and to have her cut back on gym time. Christmas isn't so long ago--whatever she was doing before then, that should be the standard now too. See what she says to that.
Oh, and is there a reason why you can't start going to the gym with her?
You live one life,she lives another.No time together isn't really what happily married people do to keep their marriage strong.Communication seems to be already breaking down if you can't address the situation in a forthright manner with her.Your concerns should be a concern to her and visa versa.In my opinion you should be worried.
It's pretty textbook IMHO. She is 30, these other girls are 21-22, and your wife never got to play the field. These girls probably jump from BF to BF and are fun to hang with, so your W is becoming addicted to being with them and getting little pieces of their lifestyle she never got to have.
This is very hard to break. She's also been working as a beer girl for 8 years at the same place? It sounds like (no offense) that your W isn't maturing, or doesn't have a lot of aspirations to improve her position. So what's keeping her doing this job? I think it's the lifestyle of being around a party, being around young attractive people.
Have you ever thought of leaving LV to maybe find better work elsewhere? To me it sounds like a change of scenery would be your best shot here. But if that isn't possible, start competing for her time by taking her out. You say she's hot. Great. Show her off by taking her to dinner, lunch, etc - don't even ask. Just tell her - "Hey honey, I got us reservations at XX tonight", etc, etc. You have to make time with you as interesting as it is with her friends. I know that is tough - I've been there once.
Have you ever thought of leaving LV to maybe find better work elsewhere? To me it sounds like a change of scenery would be your best shot here. But if that isn't possible, start competing for her time by taking her out. You say she's hot. Great. Show her off by taking her to dinner, lunch, etc - don't even ask. Just tell her - "Hey honey, I got us reservations at XX tonight", etc, etc. You have to make time with you as interesting as it is with her friends. I know that is tough - I've been there once.
Good luck
I love this idea. Take charge, show strength and self-confidence, she's YOUR woman--it is a big turn-on. Don't think it's been said yet--pleading, begging, crying, she will find any such behavior REPULSIVE. Play it cool, calm, strong.
Couple of things---1st---many mge's. hit a boring, same old, same old---phase at 7 to 10 yrs---so that problem needs to be dealt with-----AFTER----you yank your wife out of whatever she has going---and she does have something going on
Gym---a good workout needs only 1 to 2 hrs---3 days a week, on a regular schedule---if she is spending longer, and at night, something else is going on
A married woman---does not spend all of her social time with younger chicks--who think they are so hot---that they can run around putting their male friends---DOWN-----
Your wife's nasty remarks about you---are a sign of her "dissing" you big time---and the changes she is making in re: your mge. itself, are major red flags
Other posters can advise about electronic devises you can use---to find out what she is up to
Do not confront unless you have solid---printed out/recorded evidence---then go after her very harshly if necessary
Do not deny that you have marital fidelity problems---CUZ YOU DO!!!!
Big time red flags.
Spending more and more time with younger single girls.
Moving away from more stable GFs.
Spending days off with toxic friends instead of you.
"Needs more space" - standard talk of someone moving away from a marriage. They "need space" to conduct their new, secret lifestyle without you.
If your wife is joining in with the "Totally hot trainer", and you are "dead-weight" and a "loser" talk , you should most definitely be concerned.
This is the beginning of what could be the end of your marriage.
If you feel that your wife is into a PA with one of the "hot trainers" or some other man, gather your evidence, then confront.
If you feel it has not gone that far yet, you need to tell her that you are not comfortable with these new single friends and you cannot accept how she is spending more and more time away from you.
Be prepared for her getting mad, calling you controlling, even listing every little thing you have done in the past that upset her , most of which you will not remember.
Be prepared for her getting mad, calling you controlling, even listing every little thing you have done in the past that upset her , most of which you will not remember.
Yes, let's head this one off at the pass, shall we?
Wanting to be with your spouse, and feeling alienated because your spouse is spending time with people who openly DISRESPECT you, is NOT controlling. Got that?? (I'm a woman, BTW.)
(Sorry, I've just had it up to here with BSs coming here believing that particular POS from their checked-out spouses.)
Another thing I forgot to mention: experts say spouses need at least 10, generally around 15, and in your case 20 hours of *uninterrupted quality time* to make sure their marriage is strong. Add up the #'s and let us know where you are on that scale, out of curiousity.
The easiest first thing you do is get to best buy, purchase a var (voice activated recorder) and some heavy duty velcro and put it under the drivers seat of her car.
What kind of phone does she have? Does she ever turn loose of her phone?
RGold, this is good stuff from good people, so pay attention to them. You came with a question, an by coming here you answered it. If you are so troubled that you are here, you need to 1st, decide what outcome you are looking for, if things go off the rails in the marriage. Are kids involved. So lets say worst case, what is a deal breaker for you. Try to have a plan for evidence or no evidence, either way, you want changes because you miss her.
I feel like i'll do damage if I'm wrong bc she hasn't been with anybody else since school before we married. Also, this is the first time she seems to be hiding something from me. Should I look into this more and see if I should be worried?
Just because she hasn't had anybody before you is no excuse to her cheating on you.
If she wants some space that's fine. The way she organizes her space is what matters and by your post we understand she's not doing it the right way.
Trust us, she already did the damage, your just quitely looking for proof and facts so you can make an infomrative and accurate dicision about your marriage.
Man you chick is showing so many red flags you don't even have a clue.
Please do your marriage a favor and educate your self about infidelity.
Stop asking her she will lie, go stealth and confirm what we here at TAM have already experienced.
Hire a PI to scope out the gym, get a GPS 1/2 the time she's not at the spa, and plant a VAR in the car.
Again you can find out alot more if you educate your self and start protecting your marriage 1st by gathering, 2nd expose, 3rd confront, 4th consequences.
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Should I be worried? 
