I can't give him what he needs! Help! - Page 2
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » I can't give him what he needs! Help!

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree141Likes

Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 04-22-2012, 09:35 PM   #16 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 10,615
Default Re: I can't give him what he needs! Help!

The only things that conquer dishonesty are honesty and time. He deserves all the truth he asks for. If just revealing the truth hurts you, imagine how the acts you're describing hurt him. Faced with the same, I'd want my wife to come completely clean. Hearing that garbage would really hurt but knowing she still harbored secrets from me would hurt worse. Like home remodeling, you have to get rid of all the rotten wood before you can rebuild anything solid.
unbelievable is online now   Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-22-2012, 09:50 PM   #17 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,133
Default Re: I can't give him what he needs! Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
The only things that conquer dishonesty are honesty and time. He deserves all the truth he asks for. If just revealing the truth hurts you, imagine how the acts you're describing hurt him. Faced with the same, I'd want my wife to come completely clean. Hearing that garbage would really hurt but knowing she still harbored secrets from me would hurt worse. Like home remodeling, you have to get rid of all the rotten wood before you can rebuild anything solid.
I agree. If Morrigan had not told me everything we would not have stayed together. As painful as it was to hear I needed every detail in order to get past the affair. It made the mind movies worse for a while but at least I wasn't always wondering.
Beowulf is offline   Quick reply to this message
Old 04-22-2012, 10:15 PM   #18 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 2,446
Default Re: I can't give him what he needs! Help!

We are very different in that he has a vault that holds every detail of every event and conversation that he has ever had. I just don't work like that. I remember my emotional state and how I felt.

How convenient.

My bullsh1t meter is flashing red.

Stick with that line and you will heal neither your husband or your marriage.

Do you want this marriage to work or are you just spending all your time daydreaming about your cheating partner of the past five years?

Most women I know remember the first time they saw someone, the first time they held hands, what each said, etc. So I guess you are the exception to the rule. Are you able to remember the details of your life, your birthday, your anniversary, your friends' birthdays, what you did on your birthday two years ago, etc.?
Will_Kane is offline   Quick reply to this message
Old 04-22-2012, 10:24 PM   #19 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,133
Default Re: I can't give him what he needs! Help!

If you continue to make your husband pull every detail out of you he will eventually get tired. Tired of pulling and tired of trying to reconcile. You need to make the decision whether to give him what he has already told you he needs in order to heal from your betrayal or continue to be obstinate and potentially end your marriage.
Beowulf is offline   Quick reply to this message
Old 04-22-2012, 10:35 PM   #20 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,983
Default Re: I can't give him what he needs! Help!

Your husband just discovered that you lied, hurt and humiliated him for 5 years. How quickly do you think he should get over it? What is his quota of questions for 5 years worth of cheating? What areas is he allowed to ask about.?

Suppose it takes him 5 years of questions and distrust, for him to regain trust, then what? You said he wants to stay with you, why do you want to stay with him? Do you have any love for him and how deep and abiding? Do you think that you were wrong to betray him for 5 long years?. You mentioned that you cheated because he was disconnected have you accepted that he did not cheat on you for 5 years because of your faults? Have you reflected that he may still decide to leave you?

Many betrayed spouses have a late effect. They try to forgive for a period of time and then decide it is not worth the effort because their spouse will not give them what they need to heal. If you don't love him enough to atone and walk with him in his pain then let him go. I am certain that he will find a woman who will love him just as he is. He will have the added advantage of not having been betrayed by her for 5 yrs and not being blamed for it.

You have a long road ahead of you. If you are having difficulty now, I doubt that ou will make it. You should be greatful that your husband has initially shown you more commitment and desire to work on the relationship than you have ever shown him. Count your blessing and treat him with empathy and compassion.

Forget about yourself and focus on him. If you cannot remember details tell him that to give a chance to think about it. Make time to answer his questions willingly and as thoroughly as possible. You say you are frustrated? Hoe can you let a minor feeling like that effect your resolve? You owe him a great deal, you should feel zero frustration.

If you love him enough show him by word and deed. Be very patient and drop the frustration you have no right. Read books on forgiveness and atonement. Do what needs to be done to be worthy of his love and commitment. I don't think you realize how lucky you are.
Posted via Mobile Device

Last edited by Catherine602; 04-22-2012 at 10:41 PM.
Catherine602 is online now   Quick reply to this message
Old 04-22-2012, 11:30 PM   #21 (permalink)
RWB
Member
 
RWB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 578
Default Re: I can't give him what he needs! Help!

5 years of cheating? She says that it was for SEX once a month or so. My own wife did this for 6+ years with 3 OM. Our MC gave us a 1% chance of "staying together". She's gone.

Why even post?
RWB is offline   Quick reply to this message
Old 04-22-2012, 11:37 PM   #22 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: So Cal
Posts: 4,363
Default Re: I can't give him what he needs! Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by RWB View Post
She's gone.

Why even post?
She may be lurking and just reading the comments.
__________________
"Man is not a rational animal, he is a rationalizing animal." Robert A. Heinlein

Links
morituri is offline   Quick reply to this message
Old 04-22-2012, 11:44 PM   #23 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,218
Default Re: I can't give him what he needs! Help!

Are you regretful simply because you got caught?Are we to assume you would still be in the affair if you had not got caught? Have you and your husband been tested for STD's?
How do you think you would be feeling if the roles had been reversed and he had been screwing his lover for 5 years behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's and saying it was only about sex?

What gave you permission within yourself to horribly betray your husband and your marriage for 5 years. You truly must have such distain for your husband and marriage to do this for 5 years. Your post acts like it was no big thing since it was just sex. You have a broken moral compass. I do hope you do not have children.

I hope your husband has exposed this to the OM's wife. It is amazing that your husband still says he loves you since you clearly do not love him whatsoever. My hunch is that you continued this affair for 5 years because you thought if you ever got caught your husband would forgive you anyway so there was nothing to lose.

Your husband has been living a lie about his marriage for 5 years. How can you look in the mirror and not feel such shame?. Do you think your husband feels proud and special that you are his wife? Do your husband a big favor and divorce him. This way he can move on and eventually find a woman who can really love and respect him as a man and a spouse since you clearly cannot.
bryanp is offline   Quick reply to this message
Old 04-22-2012, 11:50 PM   #24 (permalink)
Member
 
lordmayhem's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: USA All The Way
Posts: 4,773
Default Re: I can't give him what he needs! Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered View Post
Repetitive questioning by a BS is natural and understandable.

He needs to regain trust by hearing the same answers over and over. He also fears "trickle truth" so if you've been holding back you need to lay everything out now.

Read the newbie link in my signature, especially the third post


He may be one of those people who need to know what they are forgiving. This was one damn long LTA. Even once a month equates to having sex AT LEAST 60 times!

I suggest you start out by writing down a time line of the affair. As you get things down on paper or computer, writing a timeline of the affair will certainly help jog your memory. Because of the length of your affair, quite a few events in your marriage may be tainted in his eyes.

Frankly, IMHO, if you want any chance to save your marriage, you WILL give him what he wants. You found a way to have and hide this affair from your BH for 5 years, you can find a way to help your BH heal. There are no ifs and buts about it.
lordmayhem is offline   Quick reply to this message
Old 04-23-2012, 02:39 AM   #25 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Southern california
Posts: 2,148
Default Re: I can't give him what he needs! Help!

Many need every little detail---so they actually know what happened---and don't have/want to leave anything to their imagination

It is his sub-conscious, that he and now you, are dealing with

You also trickle truthed him, for a period of time---so not only did you come home every night for 5 long years, look him in the eye, and tell him everything was OK, and some of those nights, were after you had your cheap sex, with your lover, that in and of itself---Is 5 yrs. of lies, by omission.

He now knows his mge for the last 5 yrs, has been a farce, he has a wife, who is a master at deception, conniving, manipulation, and lying----what do you want him to think

You better get down on your knees, and thank whoever you want that you have a H., that is willing to let you stay, even after you destroyed his soul, took away his carefree life, wrecked his peace of mind----and more than likely destroyed his trust of all women-----as Bryan says---turn it around, what would you do, if you were the betrayed spouse

I don't know why he is willing to give you this greatest gift you will ever get---the 2nd chance---but you better appreciate it, and give him what he needs---cuz your alternative, is becoming a single divorced woman---on your own, probably having to work long hard hours to make a living, and trying to find a good, decent man, which depending on your age, and location---might not be very easy to do

You had cheap meaningless sex (so you say), for 5 yrs, that's 5 yrs, you treated your H, as a POS---just thank your lucky stars, you are still in this mge, and do what your H., needs you to do, to help him out.
jnj express is offline   Quick reply to this message
Old 04-23-2012, 04:14 AM   #26 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,074
Default Re: I can't give him what he needs! Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Regret214 View Post
I have tried to give him as much as I can, but he continues to ask for more and we both get frustrated that I can't give him more. We are very different in that he has a vault that holds every detail of every event and conversation that he has ever had. I just don't work like that. I remember my emotional state and how I felt. It is so hard to give him what he says he needs.
It went for 5 years of regular sex, shouldn't be that hard to remember the details.
snap is offline   Quick reply to this message
Old 04-23-2012, 04:22 AM   #27 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 985
Default Re: I can't give him what he needs! Help!

you can cheat , lie, fuc*k and humiliate your husband for 5 long yrs, you are not ashamed of that, but you are ashamed to answer the questions asked by the husband. How many times you shared the details of your sex with your husband to the OM and OM humiliated and both of you laughed on your Husband, knowing the details, you were not ashamed then. you can humiliate him for 5 long yrs, but he should not ask you details and should get over it, How many days he can have to get over it 5 days as it is only five yrs cheating. What questions he can ask to get over this? Can you type it and give a questioner to him?

I dont know why your husband is still with you? even after you treated him like a piece Of Horse shi8t for five long yrs.

You stole five long yrs of his life by your lies, humiliation and cheating, why you want to spoil the rest of his life? Divorce him, let him have a peaceful and happy life without lies, cheating and humiliation. At least do this favour for him.

I dont know how she can look into the mirror and live without crashing down on her knees. wah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kallan Pavithran is offline   Quick reply to this message
Old 04-23-2012, 03:51 PM   #28 (permalink)
CH
Member
 
CH's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,579
Default Re: I can't give him what he needs! Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Regret214 View Post
It is so hard to give him what he says he needs.
And there in lies your problem, YOU CANNOT GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS. In other words it's still about you, so I see no regret at all for your husband. Regret for you getting caught yes, regret for hurting your husband, NOPE.

Be transparent all you want, YOU are still HOLDING SOMETHING BACK that HE NEEDS. So why stay like some have said, selfish!

And therein lies the problem with so many marriages, you know what they need but we either neglect it or CANNOT give it out of selfishness.
CH is online now   Quick reply to this message
Old 04-23-2012, 05:51 PM   #29 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 10,091
Default Re: I can't give him what he needs! Help!

She's gone. Which sucks because I honestly hope she would listen and btry to heal this man she stabbed in the souk!
Posted via Mobile Device
Shaggy is offline   Quick reply to this message
Old 04-24-2012, 04:41 AM   #30 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 985
Default Re: I can't give him what he needs! Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaggy View Post
She's gone. Which sucks because I honestly hope she would listen and btry to heal this man she stabbed in the souk!
Posted via Mobile Device


But dont belive that a person who was cheating for five long yrs got any epiphany to do everything to heal her hurting husband.

I wonder How can a [person be so mean to her husband for this long yrs........wow
Kallan Pavithran is offline   Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Closed Thread

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Sometimes I want to give up... Yummy2011 Going Through Divorce or Separation 7 11-12-2011 07:17 AM
Give up now? totallyconfused Considering Divorce or Separation 0 11-03-2011 06:06 PM
When to give up SoloNole The Ladies' Lounge 10 09-23-2011 08:25 AM
husband won't give up porn but wants me to give up boyfriend married18yrs Sex in Marriage 8 01-29-2011 08:02 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:12 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.