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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-24-2012, 03:53 AM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: I can't give him what he needs! Help!

Poor joker. If a woman wasted five years of my life having an affair, I wouldn't spend more than 5 minutes listening to her excuses or explanations. I wouldn't give her another day of my life.
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Old 04-24-2012, 09:34 AM   #32 (permalink)
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She wants to give him what he needs. He needs to divorce her skank ass, and get tested for HIV. Who knows whats crawling around in her.
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Old 04-24-2012, 02:59 PM   #33 (permalink)
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I have read all of your posts and comments. While I do not agree with everyone, I have taken away some very valuable tools. And, I appreciate those that have provided me with insight. I have been providing my husband with all the details of my EA from the beginning, but needed a way to delve deeper in myself to provide him with answers to questions that I was struggling to find...not because I didn't want to or because I was scared, but because I had tried to lock them out. We have started a journal together and it has provided an opportunity to see in black and white what I did, but is also a great way to generate conversations. In addition, I am working on a timeline that has proved to trigger memories which I also share. Thank you to those who genuinely see hope in every situation.
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Old 04-24-2012, 03:19 PM   #34 (permalink)
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What was so wrong with your mge/Hus---that you had to have sex once a month with another man

You say it was for the sex---but every month for 5 yrs----there is more there than you wanna admit

What was so special about this guy and his sex, that made you do this for 5 yrs---or was it just cuz your H, knew nothing never suspected, and you obviously could do this, and get away with it---after awhile it must have also become boring just as your mge---the other guys sex organ, could not have been that much better than your H's---but then again only you would now.

How were you "outed"---and more importantly why did your monthly sexcapade even start up in the 1st place

Did you for some reason, think you were bettering you mge., and your sex life----WHY---deep down WHY

Why was it allowed to go on for 5 yrs---and had you not been outed would it still be going on

Tell us what was so terrible about your H---that you would do this to him??????
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Old 04-24-2012, 05:08 PM   #35 (permalink)
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I have read all of your posts and comments. While I do not agree with everyone, I have taken away some very valuable tools. And, I appreciate those that have provided me with insight. I have been providing my husband with all the details of my EA from the beginning, but needed a way to delve deeper in myself to provide him with answers to questions that I was struggling to find...not because I didn't want to or because I was scared, but because I had tried to lock them out. We have started a journal together and it has provided an opportunity to see in black and white what I did, but is also a great way to generate conversations. In addition, I am working on a timeline that has proved to trigger memories which I also share. Thank you to those who genuinely see hope in every situation.
Have you read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Your husband could read it with you. It would give you more insight into the overwhelming pain that he's feeling and how hard it is to work past this level of betrayal.
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Old 04-24-2012, 08:31 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Regret214 View Post
I have been providing my husband with all the details of my EA from the beginning, but needed a way to delve deeper in myself to provide him with answers to questions that I was struggling to find...not because I didn't want to or because I was scared, but because I had tried to lock them out.
You do realize that the reason you "locked them out" is precisely because you didn't want to remember and you are scared. You didn't want to remember because then you would feel unmerciful guilt. You are afraid of that one detail that triggers your husband and triggers the divorce. Its called trickle truth and you're not unique in utilizing it.
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Old 05-08-2014, 07:55 PM   #37 (permalink)
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you can cheat , lie, fuc*k and humiliate your husband for 5 long yrs, you are not ashamed of that, but you are ashamed to answer the questions asked by the husband. How many times you shared the details of your sex with your husband to the OM and OM humiliated and both of you laughed on your Husband, knowing the details, you were not ashamed then. you can humiliate him for 5 long yrs, but he should not ask you details and should get over it, How many days he can have to get over it 5 days as it is only five yrs cheating. What questions he can ask to get over this? Can you type it and give a questioner to him?

I dont know why your husband is still with you? even after you treated him like a piece Of Horse shi8t for five long yrs.

You stole five long yrs of his life by your lies, humiliation and cheating, why you want to spoil the rest of his life? Divorce him, let him have a peaceful and happy life without lies, cheating and humiliation. At least do this favour for him.

I dont know how she can look into the mirror and live without crashing down on her knees. wah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This really hit me. My (now) fiance shared with his EA the time I questioned the condom in the trash can. turns out my fiance is not very good at keeping the place clean.

But she also knew that he advised me to get a mammogram. So when she talked about her own health problems, she just had to add "well, at leas tit's not cancer."

She knew my name, age, profession,..... we had even signed up for the same meetup activities. I knew nothing about her.

And yet when he finally revealed information about her and gave me her e-mail address, he berated me for e-mailing her and doing a google search on her. "how creepy".... until I told him that it's no creepier than gathering information the way they did in the pre digital age.

I guess I feel particularly affected since it seems that my parents always told me that tattle tellers and snitches were not to be trusted. To see other people sharing information and not suffering any consequences make me wonder what my parents were on about.....
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Old 05-08-2014, 11:51 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Holy 2 years ago Batman!
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Old 05-09-2014, 05:28 AM   #39 (permalink)
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Holy 2 years ago Batman!
yes, but it can still feel just yesterday.
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Old 05-09-2014, 05:41 AM   #40 (permalink)
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Agreed.
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Old 05-09-2014, 05:52 AM   #41 (permalink)
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Holy 2 years ago Batman!
I know, I saw the title and got a bit nervous for Dig and you..

I was kind of hoping for answers to the jnj last questions, those are things I struggle with the most.. the 5 years, didn't he get boring too, what was so special about someone that'd help you disrespect your husband.. if not caught, how long do you think it would have gone on for, years? eternity?

I feel that when my wife was cheating, she thought she was the sh..t.. she figured she was all that and a bag of chips because she could keep her husband happy, had a marriage and all that, kids a house, and also had a lover, just like you read about in romance novels. Steamy romance, like that fifty shades of grey book only she was living it! She didn't realize people were looking at her thinking "what a tramp", she thought she was desirable and powerful and in charge of her life. Empowered by her affair and her lies.

It took a bit to point out to her that wasn't the case, and instead of being a desired woman she was just some other guys plaything.. he really desired his girlfriend at home more, or he'd have left her and put some real effort into being with my wife on more than just a quick roll for a few hours here and there. She probably felt the same about him.

At some point you would think reality would start to break the fog on it's own.. 5 years is a long time, and I know in my case I just figure it's like everything else that comes with affairs.. 5 is could be 7 or perhaps 10.. because even though I probably got more of the story than most BS get, I'm sure none of us ever get it all.. It remains watered down.

I'd also wonder if you ever realized the abuse your husband was taking, as you were manipulating and lying, did you ever stop and think how wrong it was, and what you were doing to him, or does the compartmentalization prevent those feelings from leaking in while with the AP?

I struggle with fights we had, and how arrogant and adamant she was that I was stupid for feeling what I was feeling and how it was all in my imagination and those types of fights.. fights over her wearing her wedding ring, not saying she loved me anymore, leaving the house without saying goodbye or a kiss.. the coldness. She was starting to be nice to me, and change as far as that went, probably because her affair was getting boring and she was staring to realize I wasn't so bad.. but she was still sneaking off with him.

Thanks if you can answer, I understand if you'd rather not go there.. it's been a long time. You've been so helpful to me, and Dig as well. I'm happy you two are doing good.

Done ranting.. sorry if my posts have been harsh as of late, I'm still struggling with rage phase.. week 3 or 4 or so..
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Old 05-09-2014, 06:09 AM   #42 (permalink)
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Apparently I got a lot more info than most - apparently. But I still have a million questions.

Think about this. There was the affair and all the intimacy she had going on with this grub.

That hurts, but almost as bad is to think of all the family things we were doing during this time. Trips away - one off special family holidays, long weekends; the whole kit and kaboodle. Family.

And all the time she had her heart & mind with this piece of excrement - all the time she smiled for the camera and she was doing that.

The best family photo we ever had taken was smack bang in the middle of her betrayal. It's still up there on the wall but even today I cannot look at it like I used to. I went to some trouble to set that up - it's a great family pic and to think she had the composure to go through with it.

At least my children look amazing - and that's the only reason that pic is on the wall.

See how much is taken away? Far more than cheaters ever give thought to. And for what?
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Old 05-09-2014, 06:19 AM   #43 (permalink)
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You will never be 100% informed because you can never be sure exactly what they were thinking at the time.


For example, my (now) fiance took a trip with this woman and stayed in the same hotel room. It's not clear that since they were "such great friends" that they had separate beds. My original assumption was that he attempted sex on her and to get out.him to stop pawing on her all night, she advised him to e-mail me saying that she now has a boyfriend and I had nothing to worry about. (I do have the e-mail that was sent just after midnight of the first night of their trip.)

His side of the story is that she was putting the moves on him and when he rejected her, she tried to behave like a friend advising him to send me that e-mail. He has always said that the e-mail to me was her idea. Well, this is possible as well since I gather that she saw sex as a tool more than anything else. And what greater way to create confusion in a man that he still has a chance than by having sex with him.

But I will never know the truth of that incident.
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Old 05-09-2014, 06:27 AM   #44 (permalink)
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I know, I saw the title and got a bit nervous for Dig and you..

I was kind of hoping for answers to the jnj last questions, those are things I struggle with the most.. the 5 years, didn't he get boring too, what was so special about someone that'd help you disrespect your husband.. if not caught, how long do you think it would have gone on for, years? eternity?

I'm ashamed to say I don't know how long it could have gone on for.

I feel that when my wife was cheating, she thought she was the sh..t.. she figured she was all that and a bag of chips because she could keep her husband happy, had a marriage and all that, kids a house, and also had a lover, just like you read about in romance novels. Steamy romance, like that fifty shades of grey book only she was living it! She didn't realize people were looking at her thinking "what a tramp", she thought she was desirable and powerful and in charge of her life. Empowered by her affair and her lies.

It took a bit to point out to her that wasn't the case, and instead of being a desired woman she was just some other guys plaything.. he really desired his girlfriend at home more, or he'd have left her and put some real effort into being with my wife on more than just a quick roll for a few hours here and there. She probably felt the same about him.

At some point you would think reality would start to break the fog on it's own.. 5 years is a long time, and I know in my case I just figure it's like everything else that comes with affairs.. 5 is could be 7 or perhaps 10.. because even though I probably got more of the story than most BS get, I'm sure none of us ever get it all.. It remains watered down.

All I can say is after all of this time of reflecting on it is that I was truly living dual lives. The couple hours I would spend with the xOM was purely an escape from reality. That is the cold and harsh truth of it. I was extremely selfish. And even though I've given him all of the details, you are correct in saying it "remains watered down".

I'd also wonder if you ever realized the abuse your husband was taking, as you were manipulating and lying, did you ever stop and think how wrong it was, and what you were doing to him, or does the compartmentalization prevent those feelings from leaking in while with the AP?

Sadly, I was so wrapped up in my own sh-t that I didn't think about it. I did compartmentalize to the enth degree.

I struggle with fights we had, and how arrogant and adamant she was that I was stupid for feeling what I was feeling and how it was all in my imagination and those types of fights.. fights over her wearing her wedding ring, not saying she loved me anymore, leaving the house without saying goodbye or a kiss.. the coldness. She was starting to be nice to me, and change as far as that went, probably because her affair was getting boring and she was staring to realize I wasn't so bad.. but she was still sneaking off with him.

Thanks if you can answer, I understand if you'd rather not go there.. it's been a long time. You've been so helpful to me, and Dig as well. I'm happy you two are doing good.

Done ranting.. sorry if my posts have been harsh as of late, I'm still struggling with rage phase.. week 3 or 4 or so..
I wrote a 3 part thread about my affair. It may or may not help you. If you look under my profile spot and see what threads I started, you can find them there. I'm sorry that you are struggling. I have watched Dig in that spot a few times and all I can do is be there for him 100%.

Which is what I denied him during those years.
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Old 05-09-2014, 06:27 AM   #45 (permalink)
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Apparently I got a lot more info than most - apparently. But I still have a million questions.

Think about this. There was the affair and all the intimacy she had going on with this grub.

That hurts, but almost as bad is to think of all the family things we were doing during this time. Trips away - one off special family holidays, long weekends; the whole kit and kaboodle. Family.

And all the time she had her heart & mind with this piece of excrement - all the time she smiled for the camera and she was doing that.

The best family photo we ever had taken was smack bang in the middle of her betrayal. It's still up there on the wall but even today I cannot look at it like I used to. I went to some trouble to set that up - it's a great family pic and to think she had the composure to go through with it.

At least my children look amazing - and that's the only reason that pic is on the wall.

See how much is taken away? Far more than cheaters ever give thought to. And for what?
My wife let me take her to the jeweler and buy her a new wedding ring since she 'lost' her other one, probably hocked it to buy a hotel room for her first time with her lover. One of those things I'll never know the truth about. She cheated through a couple trips to Orlando that I know of, now I know why she wanted me to go off on my own and kept getting annoyed that I always wanted to do things together as a family and wouldn't just split and go our own ways.. She must've needed to text her boyfriend some photos of her family trip to make him jealous. I loved Universal.. Hard Rock.. too bad I was alone and didn't have someone to enjoy it with, I just thought I did.
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