My husband recently discovered I was having an affair. Initially, I tried defending myself and blaming him for being so emotionally disconnected in our marriage. The affair lasted for 5 years. The OM was also married. We didn't "date", spend the night together, etc. We met periodically and had sex. This usually occurred once a month.
Since my husband confronted me, and I got over my initial shock of being found out, I have been working really hard to regain his trust. He says he's not leaving and he loves me, and I trust him. I have given him full transparency and check in with him regularly when I am not home.
I have given him a lot of details about the affair. What we did, where we did it, etc.... There are a lot of issues that I am trying to work through, both personally and in our relationship; but I need to address each one separately....
What I need to know is how does knowing every minute detail help him? I have tried to give him as much as I can, but he continues to ask for more and we both get frustrated that I can't give him more. We are very different in that he has a vault that holds every detail of every event and conversation that he has ever had. I just don't work like that. I remember my emotional state and how I felt. It is so hard to give him what he says he needs.
What he needs is a wife he can trust. If that means spilling your guts over every minute detail, then that's what it means. You have earned abandonment. Anything less is a gift and you have no reason to complain.
As one who has been betrayed by lies and then found out on my own the truth, I can say that if he asks, tell him.
Sometimes, to the one betrayed, it's the unknown, the details, that drive us to think of the worst possible scenarios. And, many times, what we come up with in our own heads is far more seedy than the real event.
When he doesn't ask, don't offer details--that comes across as bragging, reliving or glamorizing.
I admire you for trying so hard to regain his trust... good luck.
Your husband wants to know if you gave up all the goodies to the OM that you may have withheld from him. He probably has a gut feeling that you let it all hang out with the OM. Of course, that's the way it usually runs, since wives don't want their husband to know what a slvt they can be out of hubby's line of sight. In my day, it was oral, these days it's anal. Other OMs wh@re out the WW or swing with her. Your husband wants to know just how far off the ranch you've wandered.
Five years? Really? Must have been very hot sex to keep going back. See?
Originally posted be UnbelievableWhat he needs is a wife he can trust. If that means spilling your guts over every minute detail, then that's what it means. You have earned abandonment. Anything less is a gift and you have no reason to complain.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Machiavelli
Your husband wants to know if you gave up all the goodies to the OM that you may have withheld from him. He probably has a gut feeling that you let it all hang out with the OM. Of course, that's the way it usually runs, since wives don't want their husband to know what a slvt they can be out of hubby's line of sight. In my day, it was oral, these days it's anal. Other OMs wh@re out the WW or swing with her. Your husband wants to know just how far off the ranch you've wandered.
Five years? Really? Must have been very hot sex to keep going back. See?
I agree with the posts above. You know the answers to all the questions he needs to ask. The very least you can do is provide him with them.
Repetitive questioning by a BS is natural and understandable.
He needs to regain trust by hearing the same answers over and over. He also fears "trickle truth" so if you've been holding back you need to lay everything out now.
Read the newbie link in my signature, especially the third post
1. Affairs are mostly about LYING, rather than sex. Cheaters get very good at lying. You know yourself how disturbing it would be to discover someone lied to you for a long period of time and you had no idea. It is nothing short of SHOCKING to discover that the person you're supposed to know the best in the world is a smooth, Oscar-caliber LIAR.
Many times an affair ends, but the cheater doesn't immediately share all details. This is known as "trickle-truth" and it's probably broken up a LOT of marriages that might have otherwise been saved. It works like this: you didn't want to tell him all the details at first, because you were ashamed. You told yourself that he didn't need to know, that more information would hurt him. But it really was just about the guilt you feel when you talk about it out loud with him.
He ISN'T hurt by the truth. He is hurt by the lying. And the sooner you understand this, the better.
2. For 5 years, your husband had one version of reality in his head. Then he suddenly discovered that it was not reality it all. It was a distorted, screwed up version of 'reality.' Now he is trying to piece together a long period of his life, using the information you had, to form a new reality.
He wants dates so he knows where he was when you were having sex. He wants times so he can see, oh, I was working late, I was with a friend, the kids were here...also, oh, that happened on father's day, or that was Christmas morning, oh that was Valentine's day. You can deduce for yourself why he wants the sex details.
Part of reconciling the two versions of reality is digesting the story from as many different angles as possible. So as the weeks go by, the betrayed spouse suddenly thinks, oh, I forgot to ask about such and such...like a piece of the puzzle. And then that bit of information gets incorporated into a larger whole.
Again, trickle truth plays a big role here. If, while processing information, the betrayed spouse discovers a new lie, then they sometimes feel they have to start over from the beginning, because their new, fragile version of reality just cracked again.
Remember folks are on this site b/c they have been betrayed and there is alot of hurt coming from there replies.
Look at the amount of post some vets have and those are the one that really want to help. Either they made the marriage work or they didn't but for the most part there are a few of us that can help with our experiences and perspectives.
Sometimes it can be hard to produce past information on the spot. You may want to talk to your husband about starting a journal in which you can write the details from your 5 year affair as they start coming back to you and that he can read whenever he gets a chance.
You may want to click on the Links below my signature and go read some good information that can help the two of you recover from the ordeal. They are not a substitute for good counseling which is what the two of you need right now.
OP you say "he loves you and doesn't want to leave".
After five years of cheating, why are you still with him?
Are you still there because he can support you financially?
Or, are you still with him because he's easy to pull the wool over his eyes while you do whatever you wish?
He's asking for details because he's trying to find out if the other guy could do for you that which he has never done and can't possibly do.
To your husband the affair was about betrayal rejection humiliation and lies. For 5 years you chose another man over him.
So now he is desperately trying to find how he can possibly trust you again. To do that he needs to know how you betrayed hI'm. What ways you did it. How you pulled it off. What you did with the OM. When he finally knows that he can begin to plan on how to protect himself from those things in the future and what to be on the watch for from you.
He is also feeling humiliated and rejected as a man. You chose the OM over him for 5 years.
He is also believing that you are wanting to continue choosing the OM over him. Have you told him the OM details? Have you chosen to protect the OM ? Or have you told the OMW? Btw outing the OM as a fellow cheater to his wife is a huge demonstration that you are choosing your husband over the OM. Protecting the OM instead shows your husband that the OM is still more important than him. Posted via Mobile Device
What you need to understand also is that this is not about you. Its about your husband and if he can work through this. I'm having a hard time understanding why you question anything he has asked for given the way you've treated him for the past 5 years. I would think if you were truly remorseful you would do whatever it took to reconcile your marriage and heal the one you betrayed.
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I can't give him what he needs! Help! 
