Found her out!!
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-23-2012, 07:35 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Found her out!!

My "Loving wife" is watching TV as I type this and Im shocked, stunned. I went on our laptop and opened the internet and it went on to the home page. I was looking for an item on ebay that I bought yesterday and was getting another one for my mate when in the history folder was a facebook message from a guy who my wife know....Her facebook page wasnt shut down so I clicked on and it read "cant wait for you to have you again in my bed" Im totally totally shocked, I read through the whole messsage thread.............basically they have been at it a yr, they met the day before we went away on holidays!!!!!!!!!!! Ive printed all the messages off as proof
How do I confront her about this,jesus my heart is beating out of my chest.
We have a pretty good relationship, doing normal things like meals, nights out etc both early 40's
Im broken
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:43 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found her out!!

First of all--his is married or partnered??? Do you know this guy at all?

Do not confront her til we advise you better.

DEFINITELY KEEP the print outs of their affair conversations.
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found her out!!

Oh and can you copy/paste the emails to a safe place so you have them handy for future reference?
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:47 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found her out!!

Yep, wait to confront. Rookie mistake to storm off and confront right away, they delete the evidence and take it underground and you're left none the wiser with way fewer options for detecting what's truly going on.

(spoken from experience!)

Last edited by iheartlife; 04-23-2012 at 07:52 AM.
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:49 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found her out!!

calm down first

you need to think before acting and you need to learn from our experiences so you dont fall into the same traps we fall into

for starters read the newbie link in my signature

next find out what you can from OM- is he married also? If so you should send the proof to his wife or GF

next you should seek legal counsel to know your options

also get spy equipment up and running- in particular get a keylogger on the computer. Never reveal your sources.

when confronting be aware of gaslighting, trickle truth and blameshifting
When you confront your wife you should say something along the lines of this:

"Wife I know that you have been cheating on me. I honestly can't tell you if I will file for divorce or not. But as it stands right now, if I do not get the entire truth from you I will most certainly will file. After I hear what has transpired I will take the time to make a decision."

also make a doctor's appointment for STD testing
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Old 04-23-2012, 08:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found her out!!

Brew--do not confront yet at all. You need to get more info first.

Try to remain calm as best you can and definitely don't let her know that you know yet.

AR, I respectfully disagree with the bolded part (for when he's ready to confront):

Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered View Post
When you confront your wife you should say something along the lines of this:

"Wife I know that you have been cheating on me. I honestly can't tell you if I will file for divorce or not. But as it stands right now, if I do not get the entire truth from you I will most certainly will file. After I hear what has transpired I will take the time to make a decision."
IMO, he should offer NO glimmer of hope of possibly reconciling. She has to feel the weight of her actions.
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Old 04-23-2012, 08:19 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found her out!!

I think you have all of the proof you need. She has been betraying you, humiliating you and disrespecting you and your marriage for a year. My suggestion would do the following:
1. Expose the affair to the OM's wife immediately.
2. Get tested for STD's.
3. See a lawyer to understand your options.
Your wife has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
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Old 04-23-2012, 08:19 AM   #8 (permalink)
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First stay strong, we know you are in hell of emotions.Its time for your brain to work not your heart, then only you can come out of the hell you are living now ( i hope you can)

Dont confront her now, stay cool even if it kills you from inside, collect as much evidence as possible, else she will trickle truth and make you a demon, who forced her to have an affair.

cheaters never accept the affair as their choice, they want to shift the blame on you so that they can feel less guilty or save their face. Dont accept her BS blame, listen cheaters open their mouth to lie, lie and lie. Affair was her choice and she should own this crap.

Never ever beg her to stay, she is in an affair and screwing on your back means she don't have any respect for you or your marriage. so if you beg her she will loose the traces of respect left for you.
Play cool, even if its hard. Dont be so emotional, stay calm and deal with her without much emotions, this will be against her expectations and she will become terrified.

so wait and collect maximum evidences as possible and collect the informations regarding the OM.

Then get ready to expose the affair to all the concerned as soon as you confront her.
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Old 04-23-2012, 08:21 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Expose the affair to OMW, she can help you to get more evidence and details regarding time line.
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Old 04-23-2012, 08:22 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found her out!!

By the way, if the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be wondering how to confront you about this? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

I am just wondering since this has gone on for a year if your wife thought even if she got caught you would forgive her anyway so she had nothing to lose. Did she ever bring him to your home? Expose and confront immediately. Good luck.
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Old 04-23-2012, 08:25 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found her out!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
Brew--do not confront yet at all. You need to get more info first.

Try to remain calm as best you can and definitely don't let her know that you know yet.

AR, I respectfully disagree with the bolded part (for when he's ready to confront):



IMO, he should offer NO glimmer of hope of possibly reconciling. She has to feel the weight of her actions.
I disagree because even if he wants to D this gives her the out to confess
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Old 04-23-2012, 08:26 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found her out!!

ugh he logged out right after he posted, he's probably getting gaslighted
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Old 04-23-2012, 08:26 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found her out!!

She has an out to confess no matter what.
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Old 04-23-2012, 08:31 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
She has an out to confess no matter what.

no incentive as most cheaters trickle truth

Ive seen this work before BTW
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Old 04-23-2012, 08:34 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found her out!!

But if she trickle truths, then she doesn't really care. Him telling her to confess all is one thing. Him telling her he's "not sure" whether he will stay with her or not--no dice, IMO. Hard consequences are the only things that work with a cheater.
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