Terrible terrible day yesterday...got no sleep last night..called in sick to work.
How it started:
Something kept telling me all week to check his truck so I did yesterday while he was still sleeping...lifted up the backseat and there is a built in storage container..guess what..discovered a laptop! I guess he went out and bought a refurbished laptop for about $75.00.
Started shaking inside and out..took it out and went upstairs and woke him up and confronted him...after about half an hour he admitted that about a month ago he initiated contact with his EA. We were definently going thru a really rough patch the last couple of months..and he said he needed a place to get a respite from our arguments, etc. I was ****ing livid...told him to get the **** out. Everybody I talked to from my sister, etc. thinks I should kick him out even just for a bit..but it is so hard..I love him and want this to work. Plus I know how it has been the last couple of months..lots of tension and anger on my side.
I feel sick inside...he came back and both of us talked thru the night and he was crying, etc. He said it was like he needed that fun flirtatiousness from her because all he got from me was *****ing and anger and resentment. He is going to destroy this laptop this morning in front of me because I told him if he wants this to work we have to have zero contact with her.
Am I fool???
22 year old son is livid..I told him yesterday what his dad did and he is even taking out his anger on me telling me that I am gutless for not kicking him out...I feel like crap..this is even worse than when I first discovered EA last fall.
22 year old son is livid..I told him yesterday what his dad did and he is even taking out his anger on me telling me that I am gutless for not kicking him out...I feel like crap..this is even worse than when I first discovered EA last fall.
Hurtful, but your son's not entirely wrong. Why is he still there?
Highwood, I'm so sorry that you are going thru this- again. Remember that affairs are an addiction; it's like dealing w/ an alcoholic, and you just found the bottle under his truck seat. You cannot change him. He has to do that. For him to arrive at that place, he has to feel the bottom. That means facing the consequences of his actions. If you let him back in, he will view that as no harm, no foul, and he will continue his destructive behavior. He has to see his world caving in on him. Prayers are with you.
I am so sorry. I understand when you say you love him and want it to work.
Do you love him with his lies, or do you love want you want your marriage to be. Because he lied when he bought the computer, and lied when he hid it from you, and then lied when he contacted her-again, and lied ....
He is effectively blaming you for his contact, saying all he gets from you is anger and he didn't like it. From where does your anger come? His original EA? Too bad, He has to suck it up.
You have the right to be respected, and I don't see that happening so far. Have you asked to see all the contact from the new computer?
I have learned through my own experience and research that many people who have affairs make multiple contacts with their affair partners before maintaining zero contact. Obviously zero contact is a necessity and your spouse needs to be willing to do that. But a slip up does not mean that he doesn't love you or that your marriage won't work.
I'd encourage you to visit my husband and I's blog where we tell our story as well as provide links to other sites with similar stories. My husband had multiple affairs and almost left us for his last one because it wasn't just sexual but became emotional. After confessing and ending it he attempted contact one time unsuccessfully and then gained contact one time after that for a period of two weeks. I know exactly how you feel. I'm not sure that "livid" even begins to describe how it feels. You have to start the trust building from ground zero all over again! But it can be done if he is willing.There is still hope.
Look I have been where you were after my Dday-wanting to kick him out but not wanting to give him time with the OW.
I had to kick him out that first night. Told him GTFO and go be with your w***e. I had too.
He slept in the car in our driveway.
He begged and pleaded the next morning. I was pulling my 180 (my own way-I had never read this board yet) but I did let him back in the house. Partly just so he couldn't be sleeping with her. I still wouldn't speak to him or look at him pretty much for 3 days, and I also picked my self up and went out every night. One night until 2am. He was so frantic. It was kind of funny & pathetic at the same time. Anyhow my intentions were not right at first (I was out of my mind nuts/hurt/sad) but it worked out. It will only even work if your spouse is really truly done. And if not-there is nothing you can do, except make it hard as hell on him & the OW.
Also-you should have kept that laptop--and not confronted until you got to see what was on it! It's not like he would have reported it stolen! Imagine if he went to get it out of his truck and it was gone! Patience my friend. Good luck to you.
Also-you should have kept that laptop--and not confronted until you got to see what was on it!
I completely agree with this.
It's not just about the contact with the OW that he's hiding. It's what's going on between them. It could be anything from him bothering her in an unrequited way up to the two of them planning how they're going off into the sunset together with all of your money.
There is this big problem that happens post DD, where you are furiously angry and disgusted by him, but these very justifiable reactions have the effect of pushing him further away. It is a tightrope you walk. I found reading Dr. Harley's Surviving an Affair shed light on how to handle all of this. As morituri suggests, DO THE 180. It gives your body and brain something to do other than obsess about his behavior, which is beyond your control. You will need to do this anyhow, no matter what the future holds--so start TODAY.
(Also I assume because you've been on this merry-go-round for a while, that you are fully up to speed on Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.)
But I agree with what's been said, he has not hit rock bottom, he does not believe that there are consequences for his behavior other than you being deeply hurt and angry. That is just not enough. Don't beat yourself up over it: if that's all it took, TAM would not exist.
Highwood, so sorry. I let my anger get the best of me since December and I became the bad guy. I got my anger under control for several weeks now but there was a lot of damage done to my wife. I can say she deserved it initially but not the constant barrage over several months.
I would have thought about going balistic if I found out if my WS was in contact with the OM or started something with someone else. Though keeping my anger under control is very important to me right now, for my own sake.
I would opt for full disclosure, full accountability, a NC letter. Kind of a start over deal. It sucks, but if you want your marriage to work, you are more or less back at square one.
As justified as we (BS's) may feel, get your anger under control. Seriously. It is doing you any good. You have a right to be angry, but don't go over the top.
__________________
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
Highwood, looking back on my DDay #2 almost a year later, even though it made me so angry and hurt so much I am almost grateful for it because it got me out of limbo and made me realize my ex was not committed to me, had not been committed for a long time (if ever??) nor was going to ever stay committed again. So I took off my ring that very moment, and reached for the yellowpages, and looked up attorneys at law.
This is terrible, truly. I understand that they get a dopamine rush out of their affairs that is like an addiction. But seriously, this is way out of the park. It is so planned, premeditated and meant to benefit himself at your expense. All for him and to he!! with his wife and family? And the woman is younger than your son??
Sorry you have to go through this. I am also in R. It is so hard because you don't know what the truth is. The thing that kills me, is that THEY KNOW THE TRUTH. They know what is going on. And we have to run around trying to figure it out while they stall, lie, minimize, blame-shift and gaslight.
Don't let him make a fool out of you. You are right, if you are nice or talk about the weather or be in the same room, he WILL see that as everything is alright. My H is the same way.
Be strong and please take care of yourself. BTW, why do you feel that he thought he got away with it? What skills did you employ to catch him?
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Had another D-day yesterday....need advice. 
