WH had a drunken ONS, on the same day of my anniversary of three years cancer free. I found out about it a day later, the same day I found out my mom has a serious form of cancer. (My dad is currently undergoing treatment for an early stage cancer. My mom and my cancers are not genetic/hereditary, just dumb luck.)
WH and I have been together 13 years, married 6. Everyone thought we had just about the best relationship possible, and I agreed. We talk, we are best friends, etc. this is why I'm having trouble understanding how he could do this to me. It's not like I've never come close to a stupid drunken mistake, but I always stopped myself before it went too far. WH actually purchased a hotel room for a couple of hours (classy, right?). He also thought he got away with it, but luckily I have super sleuthing skills.
I'm not really sure what I'm looking for by posting here. I feel like if I agree to work things out, if I smile at him or hug him or kiss him, if I let him stay in the same room or enjoy time with him, then that means it was no big deal. I don't know how to tell him what I need him to do (he keeps asking), because I'm not sure what, save a time machine, could help. I believe he is sorry and loves me. But I'm totally lost and feel like my world has been turned upside down.
Some days I feel okay, other days I feel like nothing is ever going to be right in the world again. Every time I think about it, I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach.
You might gain some insight from this thread, although various parts of your situation are necessarily different. Be warned, it's posted by the cheating spouse, not the loyal spouse as is usual around here.
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This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
Of course it may be more than an ONS and that is where your sleuthing skills may come into play. I am not saying it was more but look into it.
Yes, you are new to this so you need to wise up fast and learn the #1 lesson: cheaters lie. You already see that you had to use sleuthing; he wouldn't just come clean. There may be a lot more that is hidden away.
If there is, he is telling himself what you don't know won't hurt you.
The best way to gather information is not to confront him and ask him--remember? cheaters lie. Don't disclose how you're getting your information or you will be training him how to hide it better.
1) No contact whatsoever with OW, hopefully this is an easy one since it was a ONS. If she contacts him he has to ignore it and tell you of it right away
2) complete transparency- all passwords are given up, he allows you to look at whatever you need to including his phone, he lets you know of his whereabouts. Without telling him you should verify his actions with spy tech until you feel comfortable and regain trust.
3) he is 100% remorseful and takes the blame for the ONS, he does not gaslight, trickle truth or blameshift. He does what you need to heal
4) spend 10-15 hours a week of one on one time to rebond
do consider that you may have not uncovered all of his past cheating
1. Done.
2. Doing.
3. How do I know what I need him to do? I feel like the pain is never going to go away. (Though I do realize a ONS is probably easier to deal with than long-term affairs...I don't know how y'all do it!)
4. Ok and we start MC this week too.
3- he helps you when you feel upset, he tells all of the truth and answers all of your questions, he doesnt say he cheated because of what you did in the marriage but he gives honest answers, if you need him to call every 20 minutes because you are feeling anxious then he does just that, if you need him to hold you more then he does just that, if you need him to throw out the suit he wore to the ONS because it reminds you of the affair then he does just that, etc. etc etc
1 week out is very raw
and I personally don't care if it was a ONS or a year of cheating you have lost the trust in your husband and it hurts like hell right now
if you have time you can read my story in my signature, I have been in successful R for over 30 months
Thanks. It really helps just knowing other people have been there and even made it through this. I always said it would be a deal breaker for me. I feel like something must be wrong with me if I can't leave. But I don't want to throw away our mostly wonderful relationship over this. But I don't want to be an idiot. Does that make sense? Lol I feel like I don't know what to do to even begin processing this.
Thanks. It really helps just knowing other people have been there and even made it through this. I always said it would be a deal breaker for me. I feel like something must be wrong with me if I can't leave. But I don't want to throw away our mostly wonderful relationship over this. But I don't want to be an idiot. Does that make sense? Lol I feel like I don't know what to do to even begin processing this.
I felt exactly like you- cheating=divorce
you don't have to commit to a decision right now, it was a few weeks before I saw that my wife would do what it takes for me to truly R
Thanks. It really helps just knowing other people have been there and even made it through this. I always said it would be a deal breaker for me. I feel like something must be wrong with me if I can't leave. But I don't want to throw away our mostly wonderful relationship over this. But I don't want to be an idiot. Does that make sense? Lol I feel like I don't know what to do to even begin processing this.
In 2010 my wife had an EA. I went into counseling. My WS did not. She swept everything under the rug. My counselor told me that my wife would do it again and it the guy was local it would go PA. We talked about it and my wife said it would never happen. I told my counselor if she did I was done. Less then a year later it happened.
We are in R but it sucks. Never say never. And you will feel partly like a fool if not a full blown one by sticking it out. But that is all part of it. Sucking it up, working through the pain and the emotions.
You are still in shock. Give it time. You do not have all the information.
Your WS needs to give you full accountibilty of his where a bouts for quite a while.
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This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
You are invested in him, he has been there for you during some really hard times. You will find the strength to leave him when the time comes--if that is a path you find you must take. You are still trying to recover from the shock, you are still trying to get your bearing in terms of precisely what it is you're dealing with.
These things are long-haul. Pretend you instantly knew you wanted to divorce him. It couldn't happen with a snap of the fingers, any how.
As has been said, you have lots of time to think about that. That is not the main goal for today or tomorrow.
Don't put yourself down, second-guess yourself, blame yourself. It's a waste of valuable energy that you need to channel in other directions. Affairs are all about them, they weren't thinking about you, it's not about you.
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My world is crumbling 
Re: My world is crumbling 
