Re: Weird, one particular question and he loses it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by hurtingbadly
I totally catch your drift and I've pointed that out to him before.
Yes, he told me he thinks he played with her boobs. He can't remember for sure, but thinks he did. Story is gross -
He was sharing a room with a coworker, they were all drinking at the bar, coworker brings the girl back to the room. WS passes out on bed to awake to his coworker and girl having sex beside him. After they are done she then offers to give WS a BJ. I have spoken to the coworker twice about this. He tells me WS was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Re: Weird, one particular question and he loses it?
Maybe he had just reached the limit of what he could emotionally handle at the moment. It might not have been he question, but instead just one question too many for him.
Re: Weird, one particular question and he loses it?
Oh, well that's a nice buddy response. Let's look at it this way. You tell him the same story, except the roles are reversed....
Hmmm... how would that start...
"Sorry honey, When I was on that trip with my coworker, she brought a guy back to our room and i woke up and all three of us were in bed together. I think I played with his balls, but I really can't remember....we were all drunk. I didn't go all the way. Just a blowjob. But I like giving them to you the best."
Oh, and don't forget, yell at him and storm out of the room if you get tired of answering his questions about it.
Yeah, Right!!!!
Do you think he would put up with that crap from you???
Re: Weird, one particular question and he loses it?
Sounds all too familiar.It sounds like "narcissistic rage" to me. That's when the person in question has a narcissistic personality, in this case your husband sounds that way. Most cheats do. When they're about to exposed for what they really are, or some truth is going to be exposed etc. they will yell down the person from whom the threat is coming.
Re: Weird, one particular question and he loses it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vegemite
Sounds all too familiar.It sounds like "narcissistic rage" to me. That's when the person in question has a narcissistic personality, in this case your husband sounds that way. Most cheats do. When they're about to exposed for what they really are, or some truth is going to be exposed etc. they will yell down the person from whom the threat is coming.
Re: Weird, one particular question and he loses it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by hurtingbadly
No, he lied to me for ten years. Everything I've gotten has been like pulling teeth or from threats. I didn't know about the ONS. Four years ago he had an EA with a coworker that he kept denying. I found out I had HPV and thought it was from the EA. I finally threatened him with a poly after years of worrying and he broke down and told me the coworker wasn't a full blown EA, but it was crossing the line and maybe was headed that way. He said he never touched her, that he actually had received a BJ from a model they had used on a business trip ten years ago. He said that was the only thing he's done that the HPV could have come from. This was the night before I was gonna schedule the poly. I still have doubts. He trickled truthed me right before the poly. Told me he kissed a model, left out the BJ! I'm personally not so sure it wasn't intercourse or the EA wasn't a PA. He says his frustration comes from me still not believing him. That he finally came clean and I still question him.
Ohhh yes! I had a response to this, was going to post it but thought I had better check that fact 1st. Glad I didn't. And I won't be.
Lying is totally fu*king sh*t isn't it! I hate liars. Funny, yor story has triggered me. I had decided to let it go. But I realise how stupid that would be and I would rather be alone than used and abused and in the dark about it. When I see him tomorrow he will be getting the cold shoulder followed by very forceful demands (more than he ever had) followed by a split (...again) and then a demand for a lie detector done by a certain date. And only then, if all 'true', and if I feel like it, will I get back with him.
We need to stop the self inflicted torture here. They do the actions, it is up to us to deal with them. If we do not we only have ourselves to blame for subsequent misery.
Re: Weird, one particular question and he loses it?
I did ask him again about this. He says the answer is he doesn't know. That's his answer! He doesn't know if it felt weird being with another person after so many years together. He says he was too drunk to remember and it was too long ago. Yet, he can remember feeling shame right after it happened. I asked him how he can remember that, but not the other feeling. He said the shame was intense so he remembers that part. I dunno... He still was acting defensive. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Weird, one particular question and he loses it?
So many of your posts recently have centered on the "why" of certain things. So I figured I'd throw one back your way:
"Why have you opted to not use the polygraph?"
I mentioned in one of your other threads the advice my IC gave me about looking for the "why." The quest to answer that question can become a self feeding obsession, derailing any possibility of R.
You've been at this for 7 months? If you have any doubts at this point in time, you must go the poly route. Otherwise it starts to look like you are afraid of the answers, or you enjoy the drama/torture of it all.
You mentioned he was on Zoloft for depression, how long he has been on it, the length of time since the last adjustment of dose, how consistent he has been with taking it, could all be factors in how well he copes with prolonged elevated periods of stress (your justified gustapo treatment).
He could just be tired of taking crap from you on the topic, but lacks the testicular fortitude to walk away, so he acts in a passive/aggressive kind of way. Not healthy any way you chop it.
Re: Weird, one particular question and he loses it?
So I shouldn't still be doubting at seven months out?
Don't people still find out crap even this far out?
I mean, he did lie for ten years so what's seven months to him?
I told him this morning that I think I need the poly, that I still feel I have no closure and it's making things more difficult for me. He said he'd be happy to take the poly, said it twice and calmly. But, then he got up suddenly and got into the shower. He had to go to work, but I thought that was odd. Look at how paranoid this crap has made me!
Thing is I threatened the poly before and he said confidently he'd take it, even helped me look up people in our area. Then the night before I was gonna schedule it he confessed to the BJ. So, I don't know if this is just another bluff. I should have followed thru the first time. Then money got tight... Sometimes I wonder if the BJ story was just a way to get him outta the poly.
Re: Weird, one particular question and he loses it?
Well, he has trouble facing that side of himself.
Probably if he were to answer it would be something to the effect that yes it felt weird but he over-rode the feeling because he wanted to feel weird, to see how it would feel to do something wrong, and what would happen.
Read the story of Pandora's Box.
All of us have opened it at one time or another, in one guise or another, not necessarily overtly sexually, but maybe we have flirted, maybe we have not given something it's full due, maybe we've cheated, or allowed ourselves to have thoughts we didn't want to have, or pushed the limits of a relationship to test it.
When we do, it changes our self image, and that can be a very difficult thing, suddenly to be permanently glued by virtue of the physical realm, to an entirely different and contradictory spiritual space (evil) that we beforehand did not want to acknowledge.
I think this is what might have caused him to react so strongly to your question. The only way to approach it is to ask perhaps how it felt to do something that most of us only think about, and how he now manages to accept the part of himself that accomplished the physical manifestation of a thought...and whether there is anything you can or can't do that would be helpful in his healing, and becoming whole again, if healing is what he chooses to do.
Not everyone will want to heal, because to heal means to accept that you damaged yourself in the first place, and not everyone can accept that they would do something like that to themselves. And of course, not everyone cares, some people put on an act and have no intention of changing. That's for you to discern, whether your husband is heading towards healing or towards carpet sweeping and band-aid approach.
Re: Weird, one particular question and he loses it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Homemaker_Numero_Uno
Well, he has trouble facing that side of himself.
Probably if he were to answer it would be something to the effect that yes it felt weird but he over-rode the feeling because he wanted to feel weird, to see how it would feel to do something wrong, and what would happen.
Read the story of Pandora's Box.
All of us have opened it at one time or another, in one guise or another, not necessarily overtly sexually, but maybe we have flirted, maybe we have not given something it's full due, maybe we've cheated, or allowed ourselves to have thoughts we didn't want to have, or pushed the limits of a relationship to test it.
When we do, it changes our self image, and that can be a very difficult thing, suddenly to be permanently glued by virtue of the physical realm, to an entirely different and contradictory spiritual space (evil) that we beforehand did not want to acknowledge.
I think this is what might have caused him to react so strongly to your question. The only way to approach it is to ask perhaps how it felt to do something that most of us only think about, and how he now manages to accept the part of himself that accomplished the physical manifestation of a thought...and whether there is anything you can or can't do that would be helpful in his healing, and becoming whole again, if healing is what he chooses to do.
Not everyone will want to heal, because to heal means to accept that you damaged yourself in the first place, and not everyone can accept that they would do something like that to themselves. And of course, not everyone cares, some people put on an act and have no intention of changing. That's for you to discern, whether your husband is heading towards healing or towards carpet sweeping and band-aid approach.
He did carpet sweeping and band-aid approach for almost a decade and is possibly still doing it. He chose to hide it and not deal with it. I think part of his depression has been the realization of what he is and how others are viewing him. I also think most of what we're going thru is self pity on his part and not so much on the hell this has put me thru. He wants me to pretend I'm happy, in love with him and that nothing happened.
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Re: Weird, one particular question and he loses it? 
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