YPbPr

You're taking the position of move on when a lot of recommendations on this board suggested I gather evidence and then (if EA or PA exists)...

-NC letter
-Complete transparency
-Expose to friends and family
-Therapy, etc

Of course I'm afraid to be one my own but I also can't feel goof about leaving without knowing I did everything to make it work.

So yesterday I accessed the phone via the advice I received in this thread. Amazing advice. Thank you. Nothing in-you-face that expose sex but lots of conversation with W's friends discussing feelings for other guy, feelings for me, etc. She's told some of her colleagues, personal friends, and even one of my friend's W.

It also appeared that there was some failed attempted meet-ups. Looks like he stood her up once and then she recently chickened out of a meeting.

There was also a text to colleague on the night she came home at midnight say, "I f*cked up." Also, the VAR picked up a phone call with OM. No I love yous or anything very intimate. Just conversation. Super boring convo if you ask me.

It appears she maintained an EA for last month of two and is now in the process of trying to end it. My guess is there was a hook up or two in there. I mean why else progress this thing so far?

So I called her out on it last night. Caught her in a lie when I asked who it was. Once I dropped his name everything changed. Like our last argument W got defensive and argumentative. Once I said I'd call the attorney tomorrow and file she changed her tune a bit. She hasn't come clean or out with everything but I'm seeing remorse for the first time. I originally asked for transparency during her defensive stage and she said no. After the reference of D she started considering it.

I'm going to see hoe she responds to the NC letter and transparency tonight. We have MC scheduled for Thursday at which point I will expose everything I know (without revealing sources). She wants to have MC at her IC's office which I think would be and OK place to expose. Thank I can gauge how effective her IC is.

bandit.45

Quit moving so fast.

First off, tell her she needs to come clean with everything. Tell her you know more than what she is teling you and you might even go so far to say that you have proof the affair went physical and that if what she tells you does not match up with the evidence you have, then the convo is over and you will get the ball rolling on divorce tomorrow. Bluff her as much as you feel you can.

Do not forgive her!.... yet. Tell her the marriage is on hold and she is on probation for the indefinite future. She WILL go tpo IC and MC with you. She WILL write a no contact letter, let you approve it, and send it to the OM in your presence. She WILL, hand over all cell phone and computer access passwords and she WILL hand you her cell phone whenever you ask to see it.

No more male friends, no more GNOs, no more working late hours, she calls you when she leaves somewhere and when she gets somewhere. Don't ask if she will do these things, tell her she will do these things. If she balks, ask her to pack her bags and leave and that you will have her served with divorce papers.

You need to get mean with this woman and quit fooling around.

happyman64

Y,

I would wait until Thursday about the No Contact.

Wait and see if your wife opens up to you anymore over the next few days. I think it will be enlightening for you.

You took the 1st shot.

Be quiet, watch and listen. These moments will unnerve her if she is remorseful or has guilty feelings.

Be the strong quiet type for the next few days.


That is my two cents!

HM64

turnera

Yeah, refuse to talk about any of it until Thursday unless you want to ask her if she's ready to write a NC letter. If she says no, then say 'I have nothing to say to you then' and walk away.

keko

Was this the day she smelled old spice?

the guy

If you got a boring convo on the VAR with OM and WW it mostly confirms this A has taken its course. So the good thing the OM will soon be out of the picture IMHO. But who knows, so stay vigalent.

Print out some random divorce forms off the internet or makes some up on Words and have them with you when you talk tonite. A nice tactic that may scare her straight. It seems you have her on the run with the divorce. If she aggrees to NC and transparency, then rip those forms up. If she does not aggree then expose the hell out of this affair and fill.

I have a feeling she will call your bluff tonite, but I hope I'm wrong.

chapparal

I would not dierectly say I know you had sex with the OM unless you absolutely know for sure. That could kill your cred. You can strongly imply it however, even say I know you ****ed up.

In the convo you heard, did the OM sound romantic at all? It sounds like a convo an established couple would have.

chapparal

You may be able to download and print out a divorce packet online. Some areas you have to pick one up at the county courthouse.

How did she describe her feelings for you and the OM?

Good luck

YPbPr

Thanks all. She came home and started a conversation about us. I was very calm and listened but she opened right up and said she doesn't have it in her to continue. Then she really started questioning how I had the intel I had.

I stood my ground and calmly state I simply knew what I knew. She said I must have looked at her things like cell phone, email, or computer. I'll admit... It's sort of hard to just keep saying I know what I know. Any ideas of what else I might say to that?

Well... I told her about NC and complete transparency. Her argument is that how can she offer me that when I can't be honest and offer my sources. Again. "I know what I know."

So, I asked to her to leave. She said no. I asked again if there was a friend she might be able to stay with. No. Then I offered to put her up in a local hotel. She said no. She got petty at couple moments when divorce came up. She said she wasn't going to leave the house and might fight me for it if we split up. Not sure how she could actually do that - we rent — but later she agreed to staying in the guest room.

She insists nothing physical happen with OM. She insists she's stopped the emotional relationship. I asked when the last time she spoke to him and she said today. I explained to that she could never get her head clear until he was out of the picture.

What's my next course of action here? I'll be checking in here and there throughout the night.

happyman64

Y,

What does she mean when she says she does not have it in her to continue??? Fighting??? The Marriage???

You were right about not revealing your sources.

You were also right about her attitude not changing until she goes No Contact.

Keep fighting for your marriage Y.

HM64

Shamwow

You did good, same thing happened when I confronted, the irrational stonewall is hard to face. You can just calmly say "don't turn this around on me. I'm making a valid demand as your husband." and then just stand there and wait for her to react. If she doesn't, you could just say "I see", then excuse yourself and leave for a while to let her think. Stay strong...
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Shamwow

Tell her "it's YOUR (her) actions we're discussing here." as long as you do it without emotion it will start to take effect. Don't argue or react, as a wise poster said to me once: be Mr. Spock.
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keko

Dont ever reveal your sources, if you think you're going to slip just run out of the room.

Her questioning your intel more then the marriage itself speaks alot of what she see's you as.

the guy

Jesus christ. this women is about to lose her marriage and she is concerned about the intel, IDK why the A fog still surprises me after so many posts I've done.

the rent thing is so afffair fog it stinks.

Tell her you paid alot of many for the intel and give her a biz card for some random PI.

Right now she doesn't get it. She realy doesn't get it, you have to play hard ball until the shift in power can accures.

She is going to lose her marriage and she is just so damb fogged in. File get her served even if it some half ass paper work.

I can't remember are all your account seperate if not close them or freeze them. This is the perfect time to give her a taste of the reality to come.

Ask your lanlord if you can give a thirty day notice and retract/ withdraw it in a few days. Talk to the landlord and see if they can help you in bringing your WW out of her fog.

So guys I'm in a bad place..I seem to be triggering IDK

YPbPr

Thanks again. Feels good to assume control. Shes on the couch and I'm upstairs in the bedroom enjoying tv and being relaxed shes already come in once to say she's open to navigating this through MC later in the week. So ill give her that. When should i tell her mother? Wait until MC and see how that goes? That won't be for a few days.

To answear a question above, most of the time she says she doesn't have it in to continue with the fighting, analyzing the psychology etc. Tonight i felt she meant in that she didn't have it in her to work on us.
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