Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by lordmayhem
She's continuing to be defiant and blameshifting. The blackberry is now compromised and she defiantly says she will get a new phone and changed her passwords. This now calls for drastic measures, don't you think?
It's time to lawyer up and start divorce proceedings. You can always put it on hold or cancel it altogether if she ever leaves the fog. It's also time to start considering wider exposure of the affair. How far you go will be up to her actions. It's time to go dark on her and do a strong 180. Stop engaging her. She's playing you like a puppet. Geez, she almost has you believing her bullsh!t.
time for hard consequences
dont be afraid, you will be fine whether you get R or D, just make sure it's the good R not a false one if you R
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera
What do you have to GAIN by telling her? I mean, seriously, why WOULD you? To get her to stop harassing you? Are you so doormat that you'll do anything to keep the peace? I know it's hard to stand up against someone constantly in your face, but consider this a good learning experience, to get you out of your comfort zone, by NOT telling her.
LEAD your family, shut your mouth except to say "If you're ready to go NC with OM, let's talk; if not, I have nothing to say to you."
this, time to go 180 hard and let your actions speak louder than words
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
dude, your wife is the type that needs a strong dose of consequences. imo, only D papers will do that. she calls your bluffs everytime. you told her to leave, she say release her from bills and she will. you folded. either your job don't pay enough to cover them, or you know she will hook up with him once she's out. i understand !! not having real proof of pa so far, you don't want to give her the chance by moving out. man i feel for you. when my fw stepped out, so did i. all the damn way!!! that came from knowing who and what type of man i am, so when she admitted feelings for ap, after vowing to hold only me there. i was the south pole. yeah there are gray areas, you are in one, so like these good people keep telling you. STOP talking to her, go dark. it's time to man up if you want this marriage. your wife has been wearing the pants, so if you want a better marriage if you to make it, you really has to be more ALPHA from now on. have you read " No More Mr. Nice Guy", or the 180 ?? DUDE, your marriage has changed, and it will never be the same. yes, you can make it better, but if she goes back to wearing the pants, expect this to happen again. so i say to you,, if or when you guys r, you need to get in touch with you. you need to stop being afraid to be on your own. you need to decide what you as a man will accept. you see, your wife knows the inner you, thats why she called your bluff, but to be the head of your family, you will have to bury that old inner man like Paul says in the big book. and be a new man, a man with confidence, principals, and boundries. so while you are going thru this trial. start working on developing a better you. Good Luck an God Bless you.
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Look at it this way. She is determined to win. Win whatever, fights, control, push you back into doormat, whatever. If you tell her your source, you are handing her a victory. Which will embolden her to go for even MORE victories at your expense.
Be silent. Be mysterious. Go out and GAL and make her wonder what YOU are doing. Show her that if she treats you like dirt, she gets dirt in return.
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by YPbPr
She already told me she's getting another phone and changing her passwords, etc.
So there is your answer. She is more interested in preserving her privacy so that she can continue her affair, or have new ones, than she is in repairing her marriage. I'm sorry. But your marriage can't survive that attitude. It's over.
You just need to decide whether it is over with you being officially divorced, or whether it is over with you being her roommate while she sleeps with other men.
Quote:
Originally Posted by YPbPr
So here's where I'm at. What do I have to loose telling her I looked at the phone? I say, nothing. If the marriage is done, then it's done. I know what I know and I don't need to continue monitoring her. I figure, tell her about the phone, explain it was to protect our marriage, and let the cards lie where the may.
What you have to lose is your frame. You are correct that you know what you know. And your wife knows your main source. But, you have told your wife that you're not discussing your sources. But your wife believes that, if she berates you long enough and loudly enough, you will cave and give her exactly what she wants. It looks like she's right.
You should talk to a divorce lawyer. It sounds like you spoke to her company's legal department about looking at her phone. But you're not going to be litigating your divorce through her company. You're going to be in a divorce court. So a divorce lawyer is the expert of what is dismissed and what is viewed dimly.
I suggest you maintain your frame. Yes, she likely knows that her phone is compromised. But I would maintain that you're not discussing your sources. I would add some hypothetical sources to the mix. Tell her you're not going to confirm, or deny, whether you have accessed her phone, or her email, or her Facebook, or had coworkers of hers (or his) emailing you information. Keep her hamster running in place.
Quote:
Originally Posted by YPbPr
If she's unwilling to to get into marriage counseling this week and accept the fact that I looked at the phone... ...and if she's not willing to give me the transparency then that's that.
I think you're a couple of steps ahead of where you need to be. The first step is your wife ending her affair. The second step is her apologizing to you for having the affair. Transparency comes after those steps. She's resisting taking the first step and you're trying to get her to the third. You can't force her. All you can do is refuse to be her husband if she doesn't end her affair, apologize, and work to repair her marriage. And you'll help her repair the marriage. But you can't end her affair or apologize for her. Those first two steps are all on her.
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Wow...stubborn and defiant in the face of obvious logic, with her marriage on the line. #1 She sounds just like my ex. #2 She will soon be your ex.
Keep taking charge. Don't tell her anything anymore unless she breaks down and admits her wrongs. I have a strong feeling she won't. Some waywards NEVER do, let alone in time to save the relationship.
Please file ASAP, for your own sanity and well being.
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Spoke with W's ex-H. Wow was he helpful! So much has gone on in her life that I don't know about. It's been a series of grass-is-greener and jumping from one ship to the next.
He also thought something fishy was going on with her in their marriage and he saw some texts, etc that he didn't like either.
W wants us to visit her IC tomorrow night for MC. I had said I was OK with that in the past and I said would do it so I think I'm stuck; however, W's ex-H said I should be wary of her IC and try to find someone else.
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Visit the IC, but I think you should be wary yet avoid bring defensive.
If she's been with this IC for a while, it could be because the IC has become a moral enabler for her, so be on guard for for that and being ganged up on.
The best bet is to go,listen, and if you think MC will help then propose a new fresh person so that she can continue IC in a safe environment that isn't compromised by the MC. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by YPbPr
W wants us to visit her IC tomorrow night for MC. I had said I was OK with that in the past and I said would do it so I think I'm stuck; however, W's ex-H said I should be wary of her IC and try to find someone else.
What should I do here?
It's fine to go. But you should go in expecting the counselor to be an enabler. If the counselor is sitting there telling you to excuse your wife's behavior because of some justifiable reason, then you stand your ground and refuse. You should be there to give your wife a safe place to acknowledge her affair, pledge to end it, apologize to you, and lay out steps to improve your marriage. If the counselor wants to talk about your wife's childhood, or anything else, then just state that you can get into that after she has pledged to end her affair, apologized to you, and committed to working on your marriage.
If the counselor isn't helpful in working toward your goals, then you should not go back.
Be a mighty oak incapable of being bent in some strange, and irrelevant, direction.
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by OldWolf57
dude, your wife is the type that needs a strong dose of consequences. imo, only D papers will do that. she calls your bluffs everytime. you told her to leave, she say release her from bills and she will. you folded.
No I didn't. I told her I wouldn't be in an open marriage and that if she didn't want to be with me then she should leave. She said she wasn't leaving the house. I said, then we should get a divorce. She didn't say much to that. Then she said, I'll leave but you need to sign something that says W won't be responsible for bills, etc. I said no way. So she says well I guess I'm not leaving. I can't physically remove her from the house. She has the guest room and I have the master.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OldWolf57
either your job don't pay enough to cover them, or you know she will hook up with him once she's out.
I can maintain the bills without her and she's knows that. That's why I said to W, "You can leave via divorce" I do know that I'm not going to let her move out before a divorce and pay for our current living situation while she tries on the OM. No f'ing way. So if she wants to move out now, without a divorce, then she needs to keep paying the bills here. Period.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OldWolf57
when my fw stepped out, so did i. all the damn way!!! that came from knowing who and what type of man i am, so when she admitted feelings for ap, after vowing to hold only me there. i was the south pole.
Would you mind re-explaining? Too much code for me to decode.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OldWolf57
you need to stop being afraid to be on your own. you need to decide what you as a man will accept.
I'm not afraid and I'm not afraid (anymore) of the consequences I'll receive from her. I'm not letting my W dictate my behavior anymore. Calling OM directly, calling her mother, and calling her ex-H were all empowering moments for me. I don't care what she'll do if she finds out and I'm using that attitude to carry me forward. I'm calling the shots now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by OldWolf57
you see, your wife knows the inner you, thats why she called your bluff
W wants us to visit her IC tomorrow night for MC. I had said I was OK with that in the past and I said would do it so I think I'm stuck; however, W's ex-H said I should be wary of her IC and try to find someone else.
Keep in mind it's her IC, for all you know she could have paid him/her to say things to put the blame on you or the OM. Posted via Mobile Device
404Likes
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180 
