Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by PHTlump
What you have to lose is your frame. You are correct that you know what you know. And your wife knows your main source. But, you have told your wife that you're not discussing your sources. But your wife believes that, if she berates you long enough and loudly enough, you will cave and give her exactly what she wants. It looks like she's right.
I haven't caved yet. It was a suggestion to you folk. I figure that bberry has been compromised so why not offer it up? I'm at a major standstill her since she won't move forward with transparency without knowing my sources; however, I get what you're all staying... Stick to my guns and don't reveal just to maintain my boundaries. Like someone else mentioned, maybe I should say to her, "Look, acknowledge what you've been doing is wrong and apologize." That could be a first step. She did have a moment like this already a couple nights ago and I thought that wad the major first step but then she came home that day and said she couldn't do "this."
Quote:
Originally Posted by PHTlump
You should talk to a divorce lawyer. It sounds like you spoke to her company's legal department about looking at her phone. But you're not going to be litigating your divorce through her company. You're going to be in a divorce court. So a divorce lawyer is the expert of what is dismissed and what is viewed dimly.
I spoke to my divorce lawyer. I do NOT speak her company's legal department. They don't have one (it's the owner's H). My attorney said looking at her bberry is of no offense and I shouldn't be afraid to tell her I did that. It won't affect D proceedings since we've only been married for such a short time and there's no tied assets.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PHTlump
I would add some hypothetical sources to the mix. Tell her you're not going to confirm, or deny, whether you have accessed her phone, or her email, or her Facebook, or had coworkers of hers (or his) emailing you information. Keep her hamster running in place.
I started that process already saying if I told her my source, that PERSON won't tell me anymore — implying on her confidants is exposing her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by PHTlump
The first step is your wife ending her affair. The second step is her apologizing to you for having the affair. Transparency comes after those steps. She's resisting taking the first step and you're trying to get her to the third. You can't force her. All you can do is refuse to be her husband if she doesn't end her affair, apologize, and work to repair her marriage.
OK. Here we go. This is what I was talking about. She said nothing is going on anymore. She says nothing physical happened. She kind of apologized a couple nights ago. So maybe I get her to go through these steps again but how do I get her to TRULY end affair?
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaggy
I didn't know she had moved out of the marriage bed and into the guest room.
Has she also stopped intimacy? Posted via Mobile Device
Two night in the guest room. She tried to get in the master last night and said, "Slide over." She lasted an hour I think and then went to the other room. It's been two night for and she asked me to call the cable company this morning so they could install a new cable box in the guest room. She offered to do it herself but the bill is in my name. I think calling the cable company would be such a b*tch move on my part. How can I not be a p*ssy here and say f*ck you without feeding her notions that I'm immature. Cause if I say I'm not doing anything for you she'll just say, "It's actions like that that show me you're not improving yourself and you're still the same."
Intamcy... I hadn't had sex with for a few weeks when I though things were going on. She got tanked two weeks ago and I nailed her hard. She doesn't quite remember it all. Didn't have sex again until a week later.
On the topic of sex... She's not the kinkiest person so sometimes a lot of her inabilities in the bedroom make me go soft. She sometime looks uncomfortable in the bedroom like she doesn't know what she's doing or what she wants. We've JUST started talking about this and she says she likes to be on top and I go soft sometime when she does that. That's because she's kind boring on top. She wants everything done so slowly and but she's not vocal about it at all. I'm not a mind reader. She told a friend via email that I have sex like an adolescent. WTF? She has no idea that it's a lot of her actions her that change my reactions.
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
You truly don't get her to end the affair, also you can do is stop tolorating it by making it uncomfortable and inconvienent to continue.
You do this with what you have done so far and you file and have her served and it will be up to your WW to end the A and start doing the heavy lifting before the D is finalized.
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
By having her hand over her phone and computer any time you ask, so you can verify there has been no contact.
By her giving you the passwords to said phone and computer.
By having her tell her parents what she did.
By her writing a NC letter to any men she's cheated with.
By her going to a MC of YOUR choice.
IF you're really still messed up, you can add things like taking a polygraph and signing a postnup in case she ever cheats again.
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
^^^ So I get what you're saying. File for D now. Show I've had enough. Tell her what I want and then give her the period of the D to make the changes she needs to make. ^^^
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by YPbPr
She offered to do it herself but the bill is in my name. I think calling the cable company would be such a b*tch move on my part. How can I not be a p*ssy here and say f*ck you without feeding her notions that I'm immature.
You say "you are choosing to sleep apart from your husband who doesn't want that to happen. Therefore, I can't in good conscience HELP you sleep apart from me by making your new room more comfortable. That crosses my boundaries of self respect."
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by YPbPr
^^^ So I get what you're saying. File for D now. Show I've had enough. Tell her what I want and then give her the period of the D to make the changes she needs to make. ^^^
Not if you're just trying to trick her into doing what you want. You do it if you truly WILL walk away from her if she doesn't stop cheating.
It's that letting go thing that makes the difference. I love you, I want you, but I will not share you with another man in body or spirit. If you can't or won't commit to me then I have no choice but to leave this fake marriage.
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Cable box sounds like a sh!t test...she's trying to evoke sympathy and see if she can still make you do anything. Pretty sure she knows your social and other info and as your wife can probably call and make simple additive changes to your cable account, something as simple as adding a box...if she called and tried to cancel your service or change address or put it in her name, etc, then they'd require you on the phone to sign off on it. But I can't speak for your local cable company.
Do whatever you want, man. My ex did that to me for a while, first dog food, then couldn't find an Ethernet cable (so I was "obstructing her work"). All things she could easily do herself. Etc etc. resolve it if you want. Let her figure it out if you want. You're in charge. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Y,
You are not thinking like her.
She wants you to order her a cable box. "F" that!
Get her some books about Infidelity and tell her to shutup and start reading now before she becomes a 2x loser in marriage.
Surviving an Affair - by Willard F., Jr. Harley, Jennifer Harley Chalmers; Fleming H Revell Co; ISBN: 0800717589
Not Just Friends - Protect Your Relationship From Infidelity And Heal The Trauma Of Betrayal by Shirley P. Glass, PH.D with Jean Coppock Staeheli; ISBN: 074322549X
That is how you deal with the situation.
Stop letting her take control. And if she wants cable still, tell her to order it herself so that some utilities are in her name for the future when she is alone.
Get tough my man or she will never respect you....
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by YPbPr
Two night in the guest room. She tried to get in the master last night and said, "Slide over." She lasted an hour I think and then went to the other room. It's been two night for and she asked me to call the cable company this morning so they could install a new cable box in the guest room. She offered to do it herself but the bill is in my name. I think calling the cable company would be such a b*tch move on my part. How can I not be a p*ssy here and say f*ck you without feeding her notions that I'm immature. Cause if I say I'm not doing anything for you she'll just say, "It's actions like that that show me you're not improving yourself and you're still the same."
Intamcy... I hadn't had sex with for a few weeks when I though things were going on. She got tanked two weeks ago and I nailed her hard. She doesn't quite remember it all. Didn't have sex again until a week later.
On the topic of sex... She's not the kinkiest person so sometimes a lot of her inabilities in the bedroom make me go soft. She sometime looks uncomfortable in the bedroom like she doesn't know what she's doing or what she wants. We've JUST started talking about this and she says she likes to be on top and I go soft sometime when she does that. That's because she's kind boring on top. She wants everything done so slowly and but she's not vocal about it at all. I'm not a mind reader. She told a friend via email that I have sex like an adolescent. WTF? She has no idea that it's a lot of her actions her that change my reactions.
You said she told a friend "via email that I have sex like an adolescent". I would bet she got crazy with the OM -- even though she has denied. You read on other posts that wife/gf does things with OM that they never did/do with husband. Why would she compare/say that about you -- unless she has experienced others. Just a thought !!
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
^^^ Possible ^^^
So W's mom has been e-mail easy topics with me saying she's hopefully, praying, etc. Then she write something like...
"I think to win her back, you’re going to have to lay it out there How you came to know these things. And, assess for yourself if you have gone overboard on this and can let it to/stop doing in the future…
Think about it.
xo"
Her mother also told me that my W's first H hired a PI when he became suspicious and then said he suspected the lawyer guy I mentioned earlier. W's mom went on to say that lawyer guy is a paternal realtionship.
So I called my W's ex-H. He denied saying he used a PI but said he saw texts, etc that he didn't like. I thought lawyer guy was someone she met during their divorce. Guess not. He was someone she met at the gym and started a relationship with. He's not certain if it was PA but he said it was flirty. He also mentioned this is his her pattern.
So here's what: Either I'll be the one the fix her or I won't. I'm halfway out the door here since I'm thinking people don't change.
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Quick update: W's mom wrote another email saying the communicated today and she told my W that I was sad, I love her, and I'm trying. She said she did not go further with it. If my W asks if I mentioned the EA should I be honest with her?
Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180
Quote:
Originally Posted by YPbPr
I thought lawyer guy was someone she met during their divorce. Guess not. He was someone she met at the gym and started a relationship with. He's not certain if it was PA but he said it was flirty. He also mentioned this is his her pattern.
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Re: Need Guidance With Exposure and Execution of 180 
