Shaggy

If there is an A you really need to expose because it's clear that the job is continuing to feed the contact and the cheating. The choice is expose and end the affair, or not expose and end the marriage.

Her changing her willingness to do whatever, is her seeing him more and her deciding to continue te affair. You're playing softball while she is hardening herself and getting ready to advance the affair.
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YPbPr

I'd rather cut it off before it happens if it hasn't gone to a PA. I'm starting to feel like I'm paranoid and overreacting.

turnera

Patience, grasshopper.

Give it at least until Saturday before you go having any talks.

What are you doing on the other fronts to get intel?

keko

If there was no affair/you had no knowledge about it then yes you could have had "us" conversation. But since she is displaying plenty of A red flags, you have to decide if your conversation will be about ending the marriage or A. If its the latter you need a whole lot more evidence then the email and receipt.

profos

Ok, this thread is about executing the 180.

You've got a cheating wife who isn't interested in fixing anything.

Forget about any "us" conversations about seeing where the relationship is at.

You're not doing anything close to a 180, it's more like you're running in a big circle, call it a 360 if you will, with your own tail always just out of reach.

YPbPr

I was thinking Sunday/Monday. Not doing anything else other than the VAR in the car. I have a keylogger on my computer (she never uses it) at the house. Her laptop and cellphone are unobtainable. In an instance where she might leave her cellphone behind, I have the archive software to download the data instantly. She'd have to forget the phone in the house for that to happen though. Not likely. I check receipts in her purse from time to time. Nothing much new there lately.

The affair means nothing to me. Our short marriage and partnerships have nothing on the line. No kids, no house, no combined income or back accounts. There's no alamony issues. It's just a quick split. What's yours? What's mine. That's it.

I guess if I wanted to accelerate things I could forget about the possible A and simply have a marriage talk. Something like, "I know you're trying to get your mind around what you want to do. Last week, you wanted to make it work and get into MC. Since then, you've thought that might not be the best for us right now. It's a week later and you're still uncertain about us. I cannot live in limbo. You mentioned you want to move out. I think you should do that starting tomorrow and we should make arrangements for a divorce."

keko

If you have nothing lose(marriage wise), take the risk and get the backup off her phone.

YPbPr

You know what. You're right and since I don't care about the affair or having to prove anything then I'm going to take some advice I found in another thread and say:

"When I married you, I meant my vows, I meant it for life. Now you've told me you aren't sure about us and you want out and I've come to the realization that I deserve better, deserve someone that wants to be with me with certainty. If you want to work on the marriage, then we can, together. If you don't want to, then it's best we cut ties as soon as possible so that we don't waste each others' time. I deserve a partnership, not a one-sided relationship."

I don't need to prove anything extraneous. This is about respect. I'm not getting any so why put up with it?

PHTlump

When you confront her, don't try to trap her in lies and then explain how you know they're lies. That plays to her strengths and your weakness. Tell her that you need to talk. Then say, "I know about OM." Stay silent and wait for her to respond. She may shrug and ask what you know. She may gasp and look guilty as hell. She may laugh and be relieved that she doesn't have to hide anymore. If she asks how you know, tell her it's not important. If she asks what you know, tell her that you know that she's betrayed you with OM. Be vague. Then, tell her that you refuse to be in an open marriage and that she should go.

After that, you go dark and let her come to you asking for forgiveness, if she wants it.

Good luck.

keko

If you are 100% you will D her, make sure to expose them to both of their companies. Don't let the sc**bag's get away with it.

YPbPr

I've started the process. W sent a text saying she's going for drinks. I responded saying we're going to have a chat when she returns and now the firestorm of sh*t has begun. First W asked about what. Second text said I can't say that and not say why.

I'm going dark now and when she comes home I'll state what I mentioned above. I think it's actually stronger than getting the OM or the A. It says, I don't like the way you're acting. Period. Get out.

keko

What if she comes straight home without having drinks? What will you do then?

I still think you should gather hard evidence without jumping to conclusion's.

YPbPr

I'm not jumping to conclusions. I'm letting go of the A. I'm not acknowledging the OM. I WILL NOT MENTION EITHER. I'm simply saying, quit fencesitting. Get on the bus or get off.

keko

Your last post's made it seem you were going to mention OM/A, maybe I misunderstood them.

What if she gives in and decides to continue the marriage, while secretly keeping tabs with OM? Giving an ultimatum to a cheater will either backfire or a false R. Keep your response's ready for each option.

baldmale

Should have told her to come straight home then or expect to find her bags packed when she finally staggers home.