OldWolf57

Hey Y, look at the timeline, did her behaviour change around the time they got the contract ? Is that when you noticed something ?? Do you think she used her body to get the contract and is using it to keep it ?? So, let's say thats what happened, so what about the next contract ? Will she do the same again ??? Not saying thats what happened. But I say again, you are wasting too much mental and emotional energy on a marraige this young. Also, to keep yourself from going crazy, take the jacket to the cleaners. There, no old spice smell in your house.

YPbPr

Thanks for the support. My W left yesterday morning to head to her sister's. Yesterday morning was very hard for me. I had a friend come over in the late-afternoon and that helped me get through the day. W called at one point to make some small talk. I know what I should really be doing is no contact but I need to have some hard evidence first. That's very important to me. So my strategy is to play nice right now.

We talked about her day and she mention that her mother left. I found that to be incredibly telling. That made me remember all the things she told me about her family dynamics when she went through her first D and how her relationship with her mother suffered tremendously and it took a long time to get back to a healthy place. I'm seeing how this is about to happened to her all over again. She asked how I was doing and I said I was a disappointed. She wanted to know more about why and I went into me typical speech: I'm in this 100% for us, if you need your space I'll give it to you, and when you're ready to talk about us I'll be here to listen. She responded with the usual: I'm tried of fighting. I told her she should could reach me anytime and when she's ready to give me a call.

Got a text at 5a this morning saying she would be coming home this afternoon. She was suppose to go to a co-workers place. She asked that we don't fight since she's not sleeping, eating, and doing what she can just to get by. Hey I think I know what that's like

If I had hard evidence I'd tell her no but I don't. All I have is one e-mail exchange that's flirtatious and probably not enough to go on. Instead, I'm going to say it's OK and let her come home and I'll continue to work on getting what I need that will give me the confidence to do what I need to do: expose her, then the OM, and then her parents.

keko

Good plan.

Act cool/calm when she's around you, nothing suspicious.

happyman64

Ypbpr,
You should tell her she is welcome home anytime and there will be no fighting as long as she is 100% honest with you.....
Her mom leaving her is very telling that her daughter is screwing another marriage up.

Do you think you know why her first marriage really went sour?

HM64
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Shaggy

Her mom leaving is her mom saying she first believe her either and she refused to help her. Maybe try calling the mom and ask her how she thinks your wife could have cheated like she has. Then listen to the response. If the mom isn't shocked by that, then you know the mom knows.
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YPbPr

My guess is that the the first H checked out of the relationship because of nice guy qualities. My W can be demanding and emasculate which can begin a lack of sexual interest. It happened to me. He probably got focused on his job and not on her. I would have to say she might have strayed in to an EA at some point in the marriage and then decided to leave. If that's true I would have to guess this was the extremely toxic relationship she had immediately after her marriage. She describes one post-marriage relationship as crazy. They got tattoos, drank all the time, etc. It's not something she discusses in great detail and it's also very trying for her.

She just called after I texted back saying that I was OK with her coming home. She said she felt I was being distant and unsympathetic. Project much? I told her that wasn't the case. She asked what I was telling other people about us. I said I was only giving a couple close friends a very honest, unbiased story that my own faults in this marriage have come to the surface and it may be too little too late and that made me sad.

She asked if she could see me when she came home and I said yes. Not sure what we'll talk about. I got the feeling she might want to make the separation official and I'll have to be OK. Playing it cool and continuing to monitor is the name of my game right now.

YPbPr

Not sure I read that right. Are you saying her mom believed her until they all got together and then her mother knows it's now an A and is unwilling to help?

I'd like to wait until I can have access to the VAR again to listen for clues. Drives to the sis's are long so there's lots of opportunity to talk, right?

I can sense she's feeling guilty with all the questions about "What are you telling people?" She's trying to save face in this and put the "dissolvement" of us on me.

Eli-Zor

A couple of pointers:

Do not tell your wife what you are saying to other people , she is manipulating you and wants to cover her ass.
Call her mom and have a discussion, say your marriage is going through a difficult period, your wife is lying and you will not tolerate three people in your marriage . Say no more and excuse yourself .

Run the 180 pronto, don't blink , don't hesitate. Your wife knows she is up to no good, she does not know what you have on her, she is going to probe you and try make out your the bad guy.

The 180

The Healing Heart: The 180
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Eli-Zor

Don't agree to a seperation, it is a cover for her to act single and pretend that you agreed to it and that she is an available singleton. If she insists file for a D then call the OM's wife and give her a warning that your wife and her husband are exchanging flirtatious messages. Your not saying they are in an affair you are however giving the OM's wife the opportunity to verify her own position.
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Shaggy

If she comes home, she sleeps on the couch. The bed is for faithful married people.
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bandit.45

Eli-zor is right. Do not agree to separation. Sje only wants one so she can sleep with the other man without guilt. Tell her that she has two choices: complete disclosure and transparency or divorce. Those are her options.

I hate to use the term "man" up but you better grow a spine between now and the time she gets home.

And by the way, do you believe she is where she says she is right now?
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Shaggy

Listen to these people. No separation, tat just you approving of her contined cheating while providing her with a backup plan.

Have her quit on Monday. Can you expose the OM in anyway? Such as to HR? Coworkers?
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YPbPr

Your posts give me the feeling that you think I have hard evidence. I do not. I need to have that evidence first. I need time to listen to the VAR to see if something was said on the phone. The only piece of evidence I have is one flirtatious e-mail that a cop and lawyer told me they felt did not have enough proof and could easily be described as witty corporate banter.

FYI/ The OM is not married. He is single/divorced.

Here's what I'm thinking: do not agree to separation, do not call mom yet. Buy more time playing the nice guy and get a chance to listen to the VAR. See if there's proof on there. If so, expose her, expose A to family, expose A to OM... ...180.

Eli-Zor

I read that you don't have hard proof however she is in contact with a man who is sending her flirtatious messages , men do not send married woman such messages unless they are encouraged to do so. I do agree that you look for more evidence however a VAR alone is not necessarily going to get the information. Spread you probes and find out what is going on , her behaviour has to many red flags .

The evidence is for you , not for a court of law or a lawyer , it is to give you a solid base as to your next steps. Your wife could be innocent or she is working hard to cover her tracks.

As for him being single, if he has children with his ex wife then tell her, the next targets would be his parents , friends and coworkers .
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NotLikeYou

YPbPr, let me join others in expressing my sympathy for the situation you find yourself in.

In the title of this thread, you ask for guidance with exposure and execution of the 180. Some people have pointed out previously that you aren't doing the 180, and it is apparent that you are still working on the "Exposure" part of things.

Which is okay.

In reading your posts, the sentences I bolded above really jumped out at me.

Your need to nail down incontrovertible proof and continue to "play nice" while all this is going on strongly suggests that she has indeed emasculated you, emotionally and mentally. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. You're a man. While you can't dictate reality in the sense of "The road goes straight," when it curves around the mountain, you can definitely claim the position that "as my wife, you can't behave this way. If you do, you won't remain my wife."

The second part is where she texted, you responded (as usual, as predicted, as a faithful beta provider). Given the situation you are in, and the way your wife has been acting, you don't want to be boring and predictable. This is going to sound weird, but making yourself available to talk to her whenever the mood strikes her is not a good thing, and you do it 100% of the time. Independent of what else is going on between you two, you should stop being there to talk at her convenience any time she wants.

I didn't bold it, but your next sentence is "Project much," where you're being sarcastic, because SHE is the one that is cold and distant.

WRONG WRONG WRONG!

That is EXACTLY where you want her to be, doofus! You WANT her focused on you, wondering what is going on in your mind! You keep making it all about her because she has taken your ballzez. And in the process, you keep having no ballzez of your own. You must reclaim those testes!

So she asks if she can see you when she comes home. Oooooh she wants to TALK TO ME! Sure, honey, we'll talk just as long as you want to. I'll tell you how much I love you and how much I want us to work out, you'll try not to vomit at how weak and boring I am, and you'll end up wondering why you even came over.

YPbPr, I'm going to suggest that you change one little thing about your wife coming over today. Why don't you take a little control of the situation, and give her the gift of missing you? If she makes any noise at all towards making the separation "official," instead of telling her how much you love her and want things to work out, agree with her that its a good idea.

Tell her, I dunno, that you have a couple of "options" that you need some time to explore, yourself. Just leave it at that- "options." No details, no explanation, just agree with her that separation might do you both some good.

It's your life and your choices. Personal happiness and healthy control of your own destiny flows from the choices you make about yourself. It might be time to start making some different choices in your life!