Your main issue is that he's done it before. This isn't someone with a whistle-clean record that we're talking about.
There are some situations where a husband might just be a friendly guy who texts everybody that much.
But the point is, if you had handled the first situation in the 'TAM way'--there would have been clear and explicit boundaries set for your husband. He has a problem with flirty texting and relationships with coworkers of the opposite sex. It's not any different than someone who can't stop themselves from eating the entire bag of candy or the basket of chips at a Mexican restaurant. Avoidance should be the FIRST line of defense because of his inability to exercise good control. He should UNDERSTAND if you find such texting eating you alive. At least, it would be eating me alive.
I do think you could dramatically improve things by upping the alone time TALKING and not watching movies. Hiring a babysitter and getting out of the house. You can do something like walk around the block with the babysitting time if he doesn't fully trust babysitters. How much do you get out, anyhow, if he insists that you be home so much?
(Just to be clear, spending lots of quality time and getting to know his love languages, love busters, and needs per those books is all great, but they don't have much of an impact at all on spouses deep in EAs.)
I went into text messages and was alarmed by the amount. Long story short I confronted him and he lied about who it was (a male co worker) and then I did more digging (never came up with much more) and I did more thinking and realized that I couldn't believe his story. I accused him of it being a female and he came clean..or as clean as he needed to pacify me.
He says that he did nothing wrong,
This.
It is the heart of the matter.
If he really believes that he did nothing wrong, that means you would be perfectly OK with what he was or is doing, right?
If that is the case, why did he feel the need to lie about it?
.i said, "but we have been doing soooooo well over the past few years." and he said, "i know..so lets not take this is the wrong direction" you're making this something that it isnt."
That is what he said.
What he meant was, "Please lets just sweep this under the rug!!"
ok..so ive woken up to the fact that their texts may have been inappropriate..although, still hoping not. i do not plan on sweeping this under the rug. i bought the book, "Not Just Friends" and started reading it today. i talked to my husband this morning before he left for work..he seems very sad and depressed, so im certain he cut off contact. i asked him what did he say in the text that he sent to end contact and he said, "i just told her that my wife was upset about the texting and to stop". "i told her to stop". hmmm.. so i asked, "do you think that she will try to contact you again?" and he said, "naaww..i dont think so..only been since end of february". he said, "why do we keep going back to this?" and i said, OHH..i did a bunch of reading and what im feeling and doing is normal. and he said, "they just want you to think its normal". huh? ok..so anyway, he dry heaved in the shower as im standing there doing all this questioning. he looks like cr*p and i feel like cr*p. ive lost 5 lbs which i did NOT need to lose.
im still super mad at him..i still love him with all my heart..but i also woke up this morning with the strength to leave him if necessary.
what is my next step besides reading the book and alone time with him? and hopefully getting him to read the book.
Wow, that is really bad. Dry heaving and depressed. You see it's not just a silly thing.
First: him breaking contact that way is a FAIL. He has to draft a letter in his handwriting, use the format that's here or else in the book, you certify mail. He shows you the texts and gives full access to phone.
Get into MC, find someone well versed in EAs and the power allure they have.
This is a bigger issue because he's done it 2x. Rug sweeping is failing to get to WHY he is doing this again, it's not just taking it seriously. Posted via Mobile Device
My husband doesnt text a Co worker, he actually texts women that he replies to their ads on craigslist or another site called backpages. most of them want him to pay for sexual interactions. he emails them and texts them all the time whether he is out with me someplace or sitting right next to me. He always has his phone on vibrate and when i ask him who he is texting or why he does this to me he just gets pissed and tells me that i need to stop being a ***** and leave him alone or he is moving out. I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I AM SUPPOSE TO DO ABOUT THIS!!!
My husband doesnt text a Co worker, he actually texts women that he replies to their ads on craigslist or another site called backpages. most of them want him to pay for sexual interactions. he emails them and texts them all the time whether he is out with me someplace or sitting right next to me. He always has his phone on vibrate and when i ask him who he is texting or why he does this to me he just gets pissed and tells me that i need to stop being a ***** and leave him alone or he is moving out. I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I AM SUPPOSE TO DO ABOUT THIS!!!
Feelhated, that is an awful situation. If you open your own thread you will get more specific advice. Posted via Mobile Device
Wow, that is really bad. Dry heaving and depressed. You see it's not just a silly thing.
First: him breaking contact that way is a FAIL. He has to draft a letter in his handwriting, use the format that's here or else in the book, you certify mail. He shows you the texts and gives full access to phone.
Get into MC, find someone well versed in EAs and the power allure they have.
This is a bigger issue because he's done it 2x. Rug sweeping is failing to get to WHY he is doing this again, it's not just taking it seriously. Posted via Mobile Device
ok i will try to do all that you mentioned. now, do any of my emotions and how i feel about all of this matter? is it worthless to let him know that im upset that he compromised the boundaries of our marriage? that he let someone else in? that he risked tearing apart our family and all of our goals and dreams? IM SO MAD ABOUT THAT!
and second, can i communicate any of this in emails, letters or texts or do i need to do all of this face to face with him? theres the whole time aspect. or do i want the time that we are able to spend together to be more positive?
you are and absolute Godsend! thank you for your help! im already on page 42 of that book..i cant read it fast enough.
Yes, of course you tell him this. It may be easier to write because you need to change course. Old stuff didn't work. Take the anger and emotion out. This is how you take back control.
I would be telling him that you fear he's broken. That these relationships are a sign that HE needs fixing. That while the marriage could stand improving, that the first priority is to understand why he's going outside his marriage for attention and validation. He needs counseling. Posted via Mobile Device
Yes, of course you tell him this. It may be easier to write because you need to change course. Old stuff didn't work. Take the anger and emotion out. This is how you take back control.
I would be telling him that you fear he's broken. That these relationships are a sign that HE needs fixing. That while the marriage could stand improving, that the first priority is to understand why he's going outside his marriage for attention and validation. He needs counseling. Posted via Mobile Device
ok wonderful! and one more question for tonight i hope..
how much time do i spend on this? ever since d day my mind has been on this..im tired of thinking about it..how much time and energy spent on this is too much?? thank you!
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Re: Found out Husband was texting coworker 
