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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-25-2012, 07:55 PM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out Husband was texting coworker

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dont know how. i am so new to this
Ok. At the top of the main forum (where you're looking at the titles of all the threads posted by others) you will see a "New Thread" button at the top of the list on the left-hand side. Click that and repost what you wanted to say.
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:06 PM   #47 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out Husband was texting coworker

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ok wonderful! and one more question for tonight i hope..
how much time do i spend on this? ever since d day my mind has been on this..im tired of thinking about it..how much time and energy spent on this is too much?? thank you!
Well, this is where you get into what they call the 180. The link is below.

The 180 boils down to being the best person you know how to be. Eating right, getting plenty of rest, going on antidepressants if need be, getting fresh air, going for walks or getting exercise. Concentrating on being the best person you can be.

Now for a SAHM--and this is really tough to say to you, but this is how it could work--you stop doing his laundry, picking up after him, stop fixing him food. Make him fend for himself. You are NOT angry, mean, resentful, silent, a jerk. You are brisk, happy, just not very preoccupied with him...you are moving on and making plans for the next stage which may not include him.

You know what might blow him away--if he isn't used to this, and I suspect not--is to leave ALL the kids with him on a Saturday and take as much time as you can for yourself. Not sure if you're BF'ing and how long that could be possible, but it would be good if ALL the kids were there. Just give him a little taste of being a single dad. Because if you divorce, he is going to be sharing custody, and there are going to be times when this is what it will be like.

The Healing Heart: The 180

And have you read this yet? It has sample NC letters and a handy table comparing remorse and rug-sweeping--you will see that perhaps YOU aren't rug-sweeping, but that he is.
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What is reaction to counseling?
What is he doing to PROVE he is not contacting her?
I have some more thoughts but will save them for a separate thread.

Last edited by iheartlife; 04-25-2012 at 08:20 PM.
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:19 PM   #48 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out Husband was texting coworker

So the other thing I was thinking today is WHY he is acting this way. He may have serious personality defects or mental issues. But assuming he's mostly normal:


--is he spoiled at all? Does he carry any sense of entitlement? Did his parents coddle him a lot? Is he used to getting what he wants? Stuff to explore in counseling.

--on a totally different tack: he is working 2 jobs. You have 5 kids. Are finances tight? Is it possible finances are worse than he's telling you? Could he be under some strain from this, and so he's resorting to the escapist fantasy of an EA (however one-sided)? Some people use drugs or alcohol, some people overeat, some people get addicted to video games, etc. Could EAs be his preferred method of 'blowing off steam' and forgetting he's a dad with enormous responsibilities? More to explore in counseling.

Of course--none of this EXCUSES his IMMATURE, CHILDISH choices. It's just possible explanations that he has to work through / past so that (like an drunk reaching for the bottle) he stops getting involved in fantasy relationships which are no joking matter and very risky for many reasons.

Now, I don't think this has been brought up yet--WHO IS SHE?? (Could she be the original EA person? Could it have been going on all this time, or started up again?) WHAT ARE THEY SAYING IN THE TEXTS? He has to tell you EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING.

If you find out who she is, I strongly recommend telling her parents / significant other WITHOUT warning your husband of your plans. You have to kill the fantasy dead.

There have to be consequences, NOT THREATS, if he's lying to you, like telling his mother again, or filing for divorce, or something--liars will not stop lying just because you're really really mad at them.

If she is a co-worker, he is going to have to quit his job with that woman. He cannot remain in contact with her via work. However she's connected to him, that has to be cut off and ended. It's another FAIL if that doesn't happen. NC means 100% NC.

For a serial cheater like he is, though, there are much deeper things to explore.

Again, if he is dry heaving over this, this man is going to break contact within a month, or I will be absolutely shocked. Somehow you need to be able to read these texts and get inside his head. There is way too much you do not know and you need this to make your next choices. I suspect they are telling each other they're in love. I know that's very painful, but his reaction is SOOO out of whack with an innocent flirtation--it's the polar opposite, frankly.

He has some secret parallel life he is carrying on, we just don't have a clear picture of what that is yet.
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Old 04-26-2012, 08:01 AM   #49 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out Husband was texting coworker

hard consequences, you need to show him what life will be like without him

let him imagine the amount of garnishment will be taken from his pay checks
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Old 04-27-2012, 11:31 AM   #50 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out Husband was texting coworker

Just checking in, hoping you're ok, thinking of you.
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