We had problems with my husband texting a female co worker about four years ago. It took a long time but I regained all trust back, and more. We have since had two more children and I know for a fact that we are my husband's life. (We have 5 children, 2 from my previous marriage and then our 3) We are everything to him and there would be no point to his life if we are gone. But my husband compromised the boundaries of our marriage by texting this co worker. He says that he would never put our marriage or family into jeopardy. But in my opinion, he did!!!
I never look at our phone bill but for some reason I did and I went into text messages and was alarmed by the amount. Long story short I confronted him and he lied about who it was (a male co worker) and then I did more digging (never came up with much more) and I did more thinking and realized that I couldn't believe his story. I accused him of it being a female and he came clean..or as clean as he needed to pacify me.
He says that he did nothing wrong, they were just friends and that he doesnt care if he has to end talking to her.
I looked at the phone bill again this morning..it went on for about 7 weeks. she contacted him, first (according to him, she got his number off of a posted board at work). i can tell that she contacted him more often than vice versa. in fact there are many days that she texted him and he didnt even respond. the texts take place during work days and hours except for two different days..and those are very brief. (oh and he was texting her while driving home from work in the mornings!!! this ticks me off the most, for some reason.)
Soooo...i totally flipped out when i confronted him about it being a girl that he was texting..i was way up into his face, etc. not how i would normally act, although i have always been a jealous spouse (i think because of his previous actions). I thought that I was going to lose it. I have since calmed down, of course. I brought the topic up, again the next day or two after all the make-up s*x and his reassurance of how much he loves me, etc. (which was wonderful and i dooooo know that my husband loves me to the end of the earth..not just by words but by his actions..he does so much for me, hes so helpful, always trying to make my life easier (up until now). This is really hard for me. I am so shocked. He says that my questions and jealousy have to stop..that im acting crazy. What do I need to do or say to make him understand that what he did was wrong..and that i am not crazy for wondering and worrying, now.
I dont even know when to talk to him. we are so busy with the kids and he works days now and doesnt get off till 6 with a long commute, getting home at 7 at night(he was transferred about 2 weeks ago, so they dont work together anymore, either). We are both full time students (classes online)..I homeschool and am sahm to our kids ages 14 yo to 14 months.
Ive had a range of emotions..first anger, fear and panic..then over the weekend i actually cried..yesterday i didnt do too bad and i was feeling very in love him (im fasting and praying). today im mad and anxious..wish that i could just leave him but i DO NOT want to put all five kids through that!!! ive even considered that if it came to it, i would change our marriage dynamics to an open marriage..crazy i know, but i do not want to tear apart my family.
my husband looked like he had been hit by a bus when he left for work this morning. hes soooo tired..we both are.
he said that i was going to give him a heart attack with all my questioning and craziness. i said, you brought that on yourself. didnt you feel like you were going to have a heart attack when you were sitting there texting her every night?
does everything that we discuss about this have to be face to face or can i do emails and texts with the stuff that i just want him to think about. i thought about texting him a prayer this morning that i am hoping that we can both pray. (about keeping our hearts guarded and respecting the boundaries of our marriage..etc)
Something about this seems off to me. What were they texting about? It sounds as if more was/is going on. He may love you and the family you have built, but that doesn't make him immune to cheating. Has he told you what they were texting about so often and for 7 weeks? Take it from someone who knows.. it doesn't sound innocent to me. I'd look into it further. He's not going to give you the answers you need. You'll have to find another way.
oh and if my post wasnt long enough, i thought of a couple more things. how do i get through this without pushing him away or even pushing him into contacting her again? its soooo hard when you love your spouse soooooo much that you dont want to hurt them, even when they have hurt you. i am worried about his health. hes overweight and seems depressed. i know that he hates his job and that he hated his night job, too and that he was extremely bored and im sure that she brought him out of his "groundhog day"...i know that this is strange but i sort of feel bad about that..that i took away his "friend"..is that weird??? i want him to know that i love him but that im still hurting and angry. ive even considered seeing a counselor.
He may love you and the children to the ends of the earth, but he gets pleasure from hearing another woman tell him how terrific he is. With no strings attached--she doesn't criticize him or tell him the sink is backed up again or why didn't he come home early today and why did he forget to buy milk. It is a FANTASY and that is why he enjoys it so.
You need to get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It explains everything you didn't want to know about emotional affairs. (I'm starting to feel like I need to get a cut of her sales for touting this book so much. Sorry about that to the regulars!)
My husband was in a long-term EA. Like, 4.5 years. It is like an addiction for them. There is this ping of a reward that they get, validation, pleasure. It is just enough that they get hooked. Stopping once they've started is very, very hard.
It's hard enough for them to stop that you getting angry or feeling hurt is POINTLESS. It has ZERO effect. So stop wasting energy in that direction.
What you know right now is the tip of the iceberg. He's done this twice? What's to say he hasn't done it the entire time--you never checked his phone. I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying that because I NEVER CHECKED MY HUSBAND'S PHONE AFTER FIRST CATCHING HIS EA BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER. Stupid, silly me! Addicts are liars and people in EAs like your husband truly act in every way like addicts (even though many people hate calling them that). Assume he is an addict, because this is how you are going to be able to cope.
Another huge issue I see is that you never have time together. Marriages need time. I'm going to say something terrifying, but experts say that you need at least 10 hours of UNINTERRUPTED, QUALITY ALONE TIME with your husband each week--15 is ideal--and people in a suffering marriage need about 20.
Please go and get that book. Right now I see you second-guessing yourself and vulnerable to 'gaslighting'--him telling you whatever you want to hear to get off his back. There is a (small) chance he will see himself in the pages of that book, our marriage counselor (MC) just recommended that my husband read it after I already had.
Something about this seems off to me. What were they texting about? It sounds as if more was/is going on. He may love you and the family you have built, but that doesn't make him immune to cheating. Has he told you what they were texting about so often and for 7 weeks? Take it from someone who knows.. it doesn't sound innocent to me. I'd look into it further. He's not going to give you the answers you need. You'll have to find another way.
he says that they were talking about work and the people at work. believe me..my mind goes crazy wondering. also, not that it matters but there were no phone calls what so ever.
He may love you and the children to the ends of the earth, but he gets pleasure from hearing another woman tell him how terrific he is. With no strings attached--she doesn't criticize him or tell him the sink is backed up again or why didn't he come home early today and why did he forget to buy milk. It is a FANTASY and that is why he enjoys it so.
You need to get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It explains everything you didn't want to know about emotional affairs. (I'm starting to feel like I need to get a cut of her sales for touting this book so much. Sorry about that to the regulars!)
My husband was in a long-term EA. Like, 4.5 years. It is like an addiction for them. There is this ping of a reward that they get, validation, pleasure. It is just enough that they get hooked. Stopping once they've started is very, very hard.
It's hard enough for them to stop that you getting angry or feeling hurt is POINTLESS. It has ZERO effect. So stop wasting energy in that direction.
What you know right now is the tip of the iceberg. He's done this twice? What's to say he hasn't done it the entire time--you never checked his phone. I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying that because I NEVER CHECKED MY HUSBAND'S PHONE AFTER FIRST CATCHING HIS EA BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER. Stupid, silly me! Addicts are liars and people in EAs like your husband truly act in every way like addicts (even though many people hate calling them that). Assume he is an addict, because this is how you are going to be able to cope.
Another huge issue I see is that you never have time together. Marriages need time. I'm going to say something terrifying, but experts say that you need at least 10 hours of UNINTERRUPTED, QUALITY ALONE TIME with your husband each week--15 is ideal--and people in a suffering marriage need about 20.
Please go and get that book. Right now I see you second-guessing yourself and vulnerable to 'gaslighting'--him telling you whatever you want to hear to get off his back. There is a (small) chance he will see himself in the pages of that book, our marriage counselor (MC) just recommended that my husband read it after I already had.
thank you..i will get the book. but what do i say to him right now? its so hard. i want to text him..to reach out to him. to feel his reassurance that everything will be ok. i have a whole day ahead of me with 5 kids calling "mommy".
I hope you didn't miss my lengthy post above, we cross-posted.
if hes an addict then what are the chances of recovery? and yes, i wondered too if hes been doing this all along. i am not going to go back through the past year of the phone bill. i dont want to know. all i know right now is that i am MAD at him. i kept saying, how would u like it if i texted another man, etc..he of course said that he wouldnt care because he trusts me. blah blah blah
Something about this seems off to me. What were they texting about? It sounds as if more was/is going on. He may love you and the family you have built, but that doesn't make him immune to cheating. Has he told you what they were texting about so often and for 7 weeks? Take it from someone who knows.. it doesn't sound innocent to me. I'd look into it further. He's not going to give you the answers you need. You'll have to find another way.
thank you! how will i find out? i called verizon and they said that its a legal process to get the texts and that they only keep 3 to 5 days worth.
what kind of irl support do i need..i want to pick up the phone and call my sister and my mom but they arent going to be very understanding. they are going to be so upset with him, etc. and what if we work everything out and then all of my family is mad at him??
Without knowing what happened last time or the scope of what's going on this time, your reaction seems over the top to me, and would likely explain why your husband reacted the way he did when you initially asked him about it. I understand it might be tough, but if you can talk to him rationally about it, it would really help both of you to work through it.
Btw, what was the result from the other incident? Was it an emotional affair? What did you two do to make sure it didn't happen again? Did you address the issues that caused the incident? Or did it just get swept under the rug?
Without knowing what happened last time or the scope of what's going on this time, your reaction seems over the top to me, and would likely explain why your husband reacted the way he did when you initially asked him about it. I understand it might be tough, but if you can talk to him rationally about it, it would really help both of you to work through it.
Btw, what was the result from the other incident? Was it an emotional affair? What did you two do to make sure it didn't happen again? Did you address the issues that caused the incident? Or did it just get swept under the rug?
C Posted via Mobile Device
I totally disagree. This is not about her overreacting. I agree that being super emotional is not a way to handle this problem. But everything that she's saying is 100% in line with emotional affairs. Forgive me if you have personal experience with them, but I suspect you do not given your response.
You will not be able to read his texts without his phone. The phone company will not release them without a court order.
But you may be able to get a sense of how much / how often he is texting if you can view the phone bill oneline. Verizon provides a list of all the texts by phone number origination for the past month (but no further back than that). You have to access the online account. My husband had not created one so I made one for him. However, you have to use his email to do his, and the carrier of course sends him an email to say the account has been set up.
If you read Not Just Friends, which is quite a well-written book, you will see precisely why you are feeling the way that you do. Please don't let anyone tell you otherwise, it's the main reason why emotional affairs are so easy to fall into, because half the time people think they don't qualify as cheating.
Without knowing what happened last time or the scope of what's going on this time, your reaction seems over the top to me, and would likely explain why your husband reacted the way he did when you initially asked him about it. I understand it might be tough, but if you can talk to him rationally about it, it would really help both of you to work through it.
Btw, what was the result from the other incident? Was it an emotional affair? What did you two do to make sure it didn't happen again? Did you address the issues that caused the incident? Or did it just get swept under the rug?
C Posted via Mobile Device
Well he admitted his faults..he changed his cell number..we both have passwords to everything now..except his work email..and my personal email. but ive seen in his work email and i doubt he would have personal stuff..i thought that i worked through alot of my insecurities..i began to trust again..from what ive read, we did not sweep it under the rug..so im just really really suprised..oh and yes it was an EA a few years ago.
if hes an addict then what are the chances of recovery? and yes, i wondered too if hes been doing this all along. i am not going to go back through the past year of the phone bill. i dont want to know. all i know right now is that i am MAD at him. i kept saying, how would u like it if i texted another man, etc..he of course said that he wouldnt care because he trusts me. blah blah blah
To address this question: you should be alarmed about the addiction in the sense that it is hard to break. I think he can recover if you sense that he truly loves you and hasn't checked out of the marriage. But the truth is you hardly see him, so how do you really know?
You being angry and upset is to no effect. That worked with other issues in your marriage--like, let's say, he's always late. You tell him how much it bothers you, he works on fixing it.
So unfortunately like everyone else on the planet, you think, ok, he is doing something I find upsetting, we're married, he loves me, I will calmly tell him I don't like it, and voila, he's going to stop.
Emotional affairs do not work that way.
I sense that he really didn't think that the original co-worker texting problem was something wrong. THAT is a serious issue. I caught my husband three years ago for the first time in his EA (also lots of texting, emailing, phone calls). He KNEW it was wrong and never once made me try to feel otherwise. But still, that wasn't enough for him to end it. You have this additional hurdle to overcome which is why I'm so strongly recommending the book.
Do you have any thoughts on how to manage to spend more alone time with your husband? What was your reaction when I mentioned how much time you should be spending together alone? You are terrified of a divorce. This is something you need to address IMMEDIATELY. Babysitters are expensive, but they are far cheaper than counseling or divorce.
I totally disagree. This is not about her overreacting. I agree that being super emotional is not a way to handle this problem. But everything that she's saying is 100% in line with emotional affairs. Forgive me if you have personal experience with them, but I suspect you do not given your response.
You will not be able to read his texts without his phone. The phone company will not release them without a court order.
But you may be able to get a sense of how much / how often he is texting if you can view the phone bill oneline. Verizon provides a list of all the texts by phone number origination for the past month (but no further back than that). You have to access the online account. My husband had not created one so I made one for him. However, you have to use his email to do his, and the carrier of course sends him an email to say the account has been set up.
If you read Not Just Friends, which is quite a well-written book, you will see precisely why you are feeling the way that you do. Please don't let anyone tell you otherwise, it's the main reason why emotional affairs are so easy to fall into, because half the time people think they don't qualify as cheating.
We have cruddy phones that dont hold many texts plus he deleted his messgs..i do too though otherwise the phone runs real slow. i have looked at the past few months of the bill..we have online acct that we bith know about..i can see all the texts..they didnt have any pix texts. it started on 2/25 and ended the day i found out..last thursday. it was almost daily except for when he was home..i would have to say without counting that there were about 30 texts avg per work day.
hopefully barnes and noble has the book..i will drop by there today.
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Found out Husband was texting coworker 
