Please listen to the advice you are being given. The ladies are spot on so I won't repeat what they have already said.
We have all been in your situation and what they are telling you is 100% correct!
I'm sorry to say it honey but you are enabling your Hs behaviour. You are allowing him to string you along and not make decisions. The comment he made in MC about waiting for you to be strong enough for him to Leave you was very telling. I think he was testing your reaction and this is possibly what he is doing. I'm sorry but I'd bet my house he is still in the A. Your story is very similar to mine. My H was very confused, didn't know what he wanted, meanwhile my heart was breaking! So eventually I took the advice I was given here, I put my big girls knickers on and told H that I'd had enough. I didn't want to be part of his drama anymore and that he was free to go do what he wanted. It killed me, but I meant it. Enough is enough!! 3 weeks later he dumped her and wanted to commit to me and our marriage 100%.
I'm not saying this will be the definite outcome for you but sweetly you deserve more than the scraps he is giving you. You need 100% comitment from him otherwise you don't need him.
Be strong and let him go. Take the high road my friend.
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Thanks for all the advice guys. I am trying to take it all in and I hear everyone telling me to give him and ultimatum. But, he says that he's trying to take it slow and do baby steps. I'm afraid to pressure him because he told me that the pressure makes him feel more negatively toward our reconciliation. And since I stopped pressuring things have been steadily improving between us--he's acting loving instead of mean, he's initiating affection, he's spending lots of time with us, etc. I just have this hope that if I give it a little more time he will come around and recommit. But my main thing is figuring out when enough is enough. But if I do discover a continuing affair, I will definitely show him the door, there is no question. In a way, it would be easier for me at this point if it were clear that he was still in the A because then I would know what to do. Currently, all I can do is vacillate between taking him at his word and speculating about all the ways he might still be deceiving me! Clearly we aren't reconciling yet, because if we were then he would be doing all the stuff they say to do in those books on infidelity to build trust (he will do those things--like show me his emails, etc, but he doesn't initiate these things, and it is embarrassing to me to ask for them routinely). I do hear what you all are saying though and I do think there will be a time for me to take a hard line like that, but maybe I'll give it a little bit of time to see if we continue to make forward progress. If this stalls out, I'll know what to do, so thanks.
He is married to you and you have a baby together..I'm sorry but he lost that right to take it slow and do baby steps...and poor baby wondering if he should recommit to you...sorry but your H is an idiot!
I know it is hard and you want to save your family but remember preserve your dignity as well.
If you guys are not reconciling, what the heck are you doing?!?!?!?!?!? First he cheats on you then HE has the GALL to tell YOU what HE wants?!?!?!?!?!
I'm gonna have to leave this thread because I just can't keep banging my head against a brick wall like this. Unbelievable.
I like that line about putting too much pressue on him makes him feel negative toward your reconcilliation...WTF! You are his wife and you have a child together...that should be the pressure for him wanting to keep his child's parents together.
Taking it slow and doing baby steps are what you do in the early part of a relationship to make sure it is right...you do not do that after you have married and there is a child involved. Man you must feel like you have two kids to look after with this jerk.
Thanks for all the advice guys. I am trying to take it all in and I hear everyone telling me to give him and ultimatum. But, he says that he's trying to take it slow and do baby steps. I'm afraid to pressure him because he told me that the pressure makes him feel more negatively toward our reconciliation. And since I stopped pressuring things have been steadily improving between us--he's acting loving instead of mean, he's initiating affection, he's spending lots of time with us, etc. I just have this hope that if I give it a little more time he will come around and recommit. But my main thing is figuring out when enough is enough. But if I do discover a continuing affair, I will definitely show him the door, there is no question. In a way, it would be easier for me at this point if it were clear that he was still in the A because then I would know what to do. Currently, all I can do is vacillate between taking him at his word and speculating about all the ways he might still be deceiving me! Clearly we aren't reconciling yet, because if we were then he would be doing all the stuff they say to do in those books on infidelity to build trust (he will do those things--like show me his emails, etc, but he doesn't initiate these things, and it is embarrassing to me to ask for them routinely). I do hear what you all are saying though and I do think there will be a time for me to take a hard line like that, but maybe I'll give it a little bit of time to see if we continue to make forward progress. If this stalls out, I'll know what to do, so thanks.
Your friend,
Possibly in Denial.
I know this is killing you, but you are letting fear rule the day.
He already knows you will wait while he figures out what he wants. So waiting isn't going to give you the result you want. He has already told you that he isn't sure if he still wants the marriage? And now things are better between you? Because you stopped "bringing up problems"?
You have it all backwards, I am sorry. He should be reading articles about how to save his marriage, and waiting for you to decide to give HIM another chance.
You need to find a way to reverse this or pull out.
I know this is killing you, but you are letting fear rule the day.
He already knows you will wait while he figures out what he wants. So waiting isn't going to give you the result you want. He has already told you that he isn't sure if he still wants the marriage? And now things are better between you? Because you stopped "bringing up problems"?
You have it all backwards, I am sorry. He should be reading articles about how to save his marriage, and waiting for you to decide to give HIM another chance.
You need to find a way to reverse this or pull out.
Sorry your H is doing this to you. Limbo sux.
This is why I think she should be a hard ass with him...shock the crap out of him. Tell him to decide today is he fully commited to her and their child or not. Like I said if you play too nice it will end up backfiring..however I think she will continue to play nice with him letting him control her life at this point....and the fact that she is still having sex with him. Boy he is sure getting the best of both worlds isn't he.
With my H..I thought enough is enough..I do not deserve to be in limbo either he wants to work on the marriage 100% or get the hell out.
This guy made a family with you...frick you should be calling the shots not this egocentric jerk.
The pattern I've noticed when it comes to a successful reconciliation with a WS who truly ends things with the AP is that the BS FINALLY got to the point when they said enough of this sh!t.
I didn't even know about my H's affair but he did drop the D bomb and was saying all sorts of stupid things. He kept telling me how much I hurt him and for 4 months, I listened to that part because it was legitimate. However, when he bad mouthed me, I certainly didn't take it.
Unbeknownst to me, he was trying to get rid of OW but she was threatening to tell me.
If he really, truly wanted out though, he should have let her tell me and dealt with his consequences...
Anyway, at the 4 month mark, my H had the audacity to tell me he didn't like or respect me. (The woman who was trying to save her family didn't deserve respect?!) I told him I liked and respected myself. I guess he got the message that I was not going to allow him to disrespect me and he quickly changed his tune. He actually starting listing off all my good qualities. A couple days later, I wrote him a letter and told him that if he didn't like or respect me, I had no desire to be married to him and he could have his divorce.
Mr. Cake Eater did not like this and suddenly he wanted to work on the M and guess what, he never saw OW again.
When it comes to cheaters, especially the cake eating type, you have to force them to make their decision or they will string you along till the cows come home. Cheaters are selfish and they like things easy. Take away their "easy" and suddenly they become fully functioning adults capable of making decisions.
My H got 4 months of limbo because I didn't know about the A (OW outted him weeks after being dumped) but if I had known, Mr. Cake Eater would have had exactly 10 seconds to make up his mind.
YOu have to get mad...two days after DD#2 in April...I was on the phone with H and I went from being kind of snively whiny to mad, because I sensed some wishy washy attitude from him.
So all of a sudden my tone did a 180 and I said you have to grow some balls and decide right now what you want to do..not tomorrow but right now. I said either you are commited to this marriage 100% or not. I said I ****in do not deserve to be treated this way by you. So decide right now..I said I am not putting up with this bull **** any longer...
That is when he decided that yes he will stay in our marriage and we will work on it. The thing is you have to get mad..that is almost the key here.
My STBEH claimed one of the reasons that he had an affair was that I was too much his equal.
The OW was just fun and very girly girl. He used to hate that type, BTW, and now claims he still does.
But, he said, she would go along with anything he wanted. She let him lead, and spend money like a drunken sailor, whereas I often argued about choices he made that might hurt our future.
Of course they only had a fantasy relationship, without real life responsibilities.
In the end though I think men do want their wives to be their equals and to argue about their lousy life choices.
Well folks. It's November and he finally told me he wanted a divorce. This after MONTHS of living in a hellish limbo, more of the same stuff I mentioned above. Things did appear to be improving and he moved back in in August, only to leave 3 weeks later in September completely out of the blue. Still saying he wasn't sure. A few weeks after he told me he wanted the divorce, I opened his bank statement and it showed that he had gone on an out of town trip--to the town where the OW grew up--two days after he told me he wanted a divorce. I'm going to move on over to the divorce board, but thought I owed it to others to finish my story of the affair. Basically, I was not strong enough to take the good advice given to me, and I was concerned that if I had kicked him to the curb as I was advised, and it didn't result in him waking up and returning to the M, that I would have never felt that I did enough to preserve the m. Ironically, now I wonder if I had taken the advice, if it wouldn't have woken him up. ANyways, it's a no win either way. But one way is faster and I didn't go that route. My issue now is whether to even bother trying to get the truth out of him about whether his affair was continued throughout this whole year or what. We are supposed to be co-parenting and doing a mediated divorce and I just found out that he may have been lying this whole time. I am having a tough time dealing with the very sordid ending of our marriage which used to be loving and caring. I would like so much to go out on a positive note, especially since we have a child together.
Well folks. It's November and he finally told me he wanted a divorce. This after MONTHS of living in a hellish limbo, more of the same stuff I mentioned above. Things did appear to be improving and he moved back in in August, only to leave 3 weeks later in September completely out of the blue. Still saying he wasn't sure. A few weeks after he told me he wanted the divorce, I opened his bank statement and it showed that he had gone on an out of town trip--to the town where the OW grew up--two days after he told me he wanted a divorce. I'm going to move on over to the divorce board, but thought I owed it to others to finish my story of the affair. Basically, I was not strong enough to take the good advice given to me, and I was concerned that if I had kicked him to the curb as I was advised, and it didn't result in him waking up and returning to the M, that I would have never felt that I did enough to preserve the m. Ironically, now I wonder if I had taken the advice, if it wouldn't have woken him up. ANyways, it's a no win either way. But one way is faster and I didn't go that route. My issue now is whether to even bother trying to get the truth out of him about whether his affair was continued throughout this whole year or what. We are supposed to be co-parenting and doing a mediated divorce and I just found out that he may have been lying this whole time. I am having a tough time dealing with the very sordid ending of our marriage which used to be loving and caring. I would like so much to go out on a positive note, especially since we have a child together.
I am sorry to hear this.
I do think in the end your husband will wake up to the shallow reality of the other women he is now with.
Affairs are so incredibly intoxicating, and it is difficult to cheat once and to never cheat again.
I think, in the end, your husband did you a favor by divorcing you and making himself an even badder bad guy. Also, he saved you from repeated heartache. Cheating once, in my opinion, makes it easier to do again and each time it takes longer to get caught until eventually we get so good at it, we never get caught.
Thanks for the words. Badder bad guy. And I'm the better good gal. I did everything I could think of to make things work out and tried so hard to fight for what I believed was right. But it wasn't right otherwise it would have worked out. What say you all to me trying to get him to actually admit it (the continuing affair)? It just feels soooo wrong that he's getting away with this in the eyes of everyone--like, "see I tried--I stuck around in this "loveless" marriage for an entire year, but it just didn't work out", when in reality he was probably seeing her the whole time. I just want the truth from the horse's mouth as to why my marriage is ending. A week after his out of town trip he emailed me to tell me that he wasn't seeing anyone and didn't plan to. WTF?
Thanks for the words. Badder bad guy. And I'm the better good gal. I did everything I could think of to make things work out and tried so hard to fight for what I believed was right. But it wasn't right otherwise it would have worked out. What say you all to me trying to get him to actually admit it (the continuing affair)? It just feels soooo wrong that he's getting away with this in the eyes of everyone--like, "see I tried--I stuck around in this "loveless" marriage for an entire year, but it just didn't work out", when in reality he was probably seeing her the whole time. I just want the truth from the horse's mouth as to why my marriage is ending. A week after his out of town trip he emailed me to tell me that he wasn't seeing anyone and didn't plan to. WTF?
You need to get proof positive prior to confronting him. Otherwise most likely he will continue to deny reality.
I guess what I'm wanting feedback on is whether it even matters. He's asked for divorce, with rationale being that he doesn't want to be in a loveless marriage and that he tried. I just think that is utter bs and was very confused to begin with when he announced he wanted divorce, then found this evidence of continuing relationship with OW, so am confused and upset. I want the truth about my own marriage! But should I try to get it out of him or should I just assume that its because of her?
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Re: False R? 
