Helpme1

Wife was in an A a few years ago and it has been a continual fight to reconcile and for me to find peace. We have since had some issues with her being truthful about her past. During a discussion a few nights ago, I said that I knew she thought of him when we were intimate and I was confident that she had done the same during masturbation. She denied it all saying women dont think of people during sex. Am I off base here or does anyone else believe this?

AngryandUsed

Does it really matter, what she thinks?
She had an A. Was it PA?
These thoughts of OM will keep on invading your mind. Until you recover fully, with her full cooperation, how do you expect to complete R?

feelingallalone

"woman don't think of people during sex"

Wow, you mean of the 3.5 billion women in the world, your wife knows that none of them think of other people during sex? That is an absurd statement. It's a red herring type of statement. Of course anyone is able to think of someone else during sex at some time in the there life.

Sounds like she's throwing sand in your eyes. But really, get a grip. Why make such a big deal of this. It sounds accusatory and aggressive and without basis. Maybe it's your gut, or maybe just revealing your anxieties.

Sounds as if you are very unhappy in your marriage. I just started R after WS EA, I do not think I could last 2 years of a continual fight to R....life is too short...

Are you still bitter and angry? If you haven't been able to release those feelings by now, it means you're holding on to them and if so, I don't see how you can truly reconcile, you would unconsciously be using them as an emotional weapon.

Why do you want to save this marriage?

Helpme1

2 Kids that would be devistated by D. Has anyone found the key to letting go of the hurt and anger?

Count of Monte Cristo

Children are more resilient that we give them credit for. Life is too short to spend it with someone that doesn't make you happy.

Better two happy household than one that's crappy.

sandc

The key is you. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her? If so then you may need to "fake it until you make it." If not then let her know you just can't deal with what she did and you need to move on. A question though, did she truly ask for forgiveness and did you believe her? Was it sincere? If she did not sincerely ask for forgiveness then you need not forgive. There are a lot of betrayed people on here that were hurt for years but they made it. But ONLY because the wayward spouse did the heavy lifting. Your wife needs to be doing the heavy lifting, not you. If she's not trying then you have your answer. Move on.

ParachuteOn

Search for morituri's post "Just Let Them Go" -- It helps

ParachuteOn

Just Let Them Go
Here is the post:

Just Let Them Go

feelingallalone

I'm still in early days, so to speak directly to hurt and anger from this nightmare I do not have an answer.

But, hurt and anger, in general are emotions tied to events. I've found ways to finally release them before. But they need to be acknowledged and then consciously let go....it is possible to hold on to them for your entire life...we can get addicted to those feelings. And, to truly confront them can be very painful, so people in general stuff them down, deep inside, where they do the most damage, gnawing away at us at a low to medium level.

Remember, these negative emotions only corrode the vessel that carries them.

If after two years you still have them....something is wrong with your approach, something inside you doesn't want to let them go.
As sandc said, the key is you. Your wife holds responsibility for the A, but you hold responsibility how you handle your reaction, choices and actions after the A.

Tell me again, why do you want to save the marriage? Don't say for the children. If you are so miserable and the marriage bad, don't you think that toxic environment is impacting them every day for two years? How much longer do you want to go on like this?