Do you think my husband was in love with this girl he had an emotional affair with?

underrain · 04-24-2012, 03:36 PM

My husband and a female coworker were promoted at the same time. They become friends and started texting lot almost all day and evening for a month and a hal.my husband also started taking more care of his appearance during this time but says it was because of his promotion and his boss telling him to wear nicer things now. Ive always been a little insecure and jealous because of a past relationship. One day after getting out of the hospital after 2weeks with our son, i confronted him and asked why he is texting her so much? he said "omg she is just nice id love for you to meet her, we just became close because one day she was crying in the office over an abortion her bf talked her into i gave her a hug and said its ok". from there they started telling eachother personal info.
i asked to see his phone and he refused saying because im so jealous he knows ill embarrass him or worse make him lose another friend (before i met him he had many women friends that i put an end to it). one time i snuck his phone and she said "i wish we had the same days off because you make me laugh, and make me happy". he responded "aww u make me happy too". she one time texted him "i love being around you!" he said same back. another text he told her"i dont even want to go home my wife and i are argueing" and from her "if my husband doesnt want kids im leaving" another from her "dont get me wrong i love my husband he is a great guy". " cant wait till you get to work" "good morning" I confronted my husband and he became really defensive and yelled at me that there is nothing going on, just friends, more like a best friend, this girl is crazy in love with her bf and he is crazy in love with me so stop worrying...." he also added that he isnt going to stop texting her because she is nice and they are close friends and it would look weird to abruptly stop texting because one time she asked him if it was ok to text him and he said "yes because they arent doing anything wrong " after that i then called this girl and she said in no way were there any feelings and that she has no ill intentions and would never leave her bf. she also said he constantly told her i was beautiful , smart, showed her my pictures showing me off, and that i was a really good wife but he did complain about fights and tension". she and my husband also said it was nothing but friendly banter and a few things that he felt he couldnt talk to me about because he thought id judge him like (a certain addiction to a drug) he felt relieved to tell her and not be judged. he says he never had fantasies of her and never thought of being with her.he swears he is crazy in love with me and is not attracted to this girl in romantic way. he says also that the friendship made him feel important because during that time i was cold and distant dealing with a sick child. on the day i confronted this girl with my phone call my husband left the house that night and stayed with a friend because he says he was so embarrassed that id call her when nothing is going on and i now look like im psycho to someone that was a friend of his that he bragged about his wife to . when he came home next day i seen texts from her saying that she wants to "help him in anyway' " he repilied "just be by my side is all tht matters". next day he comes home and he says that he mainly wouldnt stop texting her when i asked because he feels like a child and did it out of rebellion , he then agreed to stop all texting and to keep it buisness with her he then preceded with texting her "my wife is right the texting is becoming out of control and i dont want to lose my wife". well i wanted to make sure he stopped and i thought maybe they were still sneaking if they did really have feelings, so i forged a fake email pretending to be her to my hubby and said "i think i love you and fell for you in the wrong way" he swears to god he knew it was me and before replying to the email called her to his office to ask if it was her and she said "no thats not me" he replied back referring to her as a nickname chichi and said "aww you know the only reason i tried make it better with my wife is because of my son, otherwise all we do is fight, and we cant help our god damn pure feelings for eachother" he says he wrote that to scare me and teach me a lesson to stop being so jealous. i was devasted but she and him insist there is no nick name chichi exsist and that my husband knew it was me 100 percent. after the email incident, he said " look ill call her and prove there is nothing between us" so he calls her and says "did you ever think i had crush on you or came on to you swear this on your father?" she said "well a little one time because you were so nice but to be fair one time i had a crush on you. and if i still had all the text messages id give them to your wife so she can see. im sorry for all this mess but i want nothing to do with this anymore"
so i was hurt to hear that there were crushes. after my husband heard her say that he said he had no idea she felt that way and he thought of her in a best friend way and told me from now on he wont even speak to her about business at work. well a week goes by and my husband gets a text from her reading "im so hurt, i trusted you you lied i cant believe as your close friend im this disposable to you" i asked my husband what he lied to her about and he has no clue other than saying "he'll alwaysbe there for her no matter what". after that i couldnt let it go so my husband emailed her in front of me telling her to email his wife about the nature of the texts and their relatioship she emailed me saying he was her closest friend and nothing ever happened, she never seen him outside the job other than once giving him ride home, that he always told her he loved his wife alot, and that we do fight alot but they would just joke alot, one time he called me a nag, and one time a ***** for being cold and mean" . my husband even showed up at the house with a polygraph report showing he never felt in love with anyone outside the marriage, never intended to leave me or make plans to do so, never had sex with anyone, new the email was me, and that he never had sex relations out side house. i still cant get the amount of text messages out of my head almost like 200 a day between them more so from her but still!. to me that is obsessive and looks like two people falling in love. what do you guys think i feel so damn betrayed this girl has a nice body but is definitely not prettier than me and my body is nice as well. i dont get the motive. do you buy my husbands story that he felt he didnt have to report to me therefore he didnt have to show messages? i mean he did pass a polygraph and confess to a crush but smething seems weird with that amount of texting.

iheartlife · 04-24-2012, 03:44 PM

Can you please break your post up into paragraphs. It is very hard to separate the ideas in a 'wall of post' to respond effectively.

Hope1964 · 04-24-2012, 03:47 PM

I didn't read your wall of text so I am just responding to the subject line.

One question: what does it matter if he was or was not 'in love' with her? He probably doesn't even know himself. Cheaters get a 'rush' from cheating that they often confuse for love.

What's important is how he is handling the aftermath. If he's truly remorseful and willing to cut off all contact.

flabbergasted · 04-24-2012, 04:13 PM

i read every bit of your message and i feel so bad that you are having to go through this. i recently found out that my husband was texting a female co worker..all i know from what you tell us is that your husband was being secretive and was lying to you and didn't take your feelings into account. i cant imagine having to see those kinds of text messages! be alert..dont let yourself be a fool..find irl support..a counselor maybe..again, i am sorry and i hope that all turns out for the best.

iheartlife · 04-24-2012, 04:19 PM

I agree 200 a day is beyond all reason. For argument's sake, let's say it only takes 15 seconds to write and send the text. That's nearly an HOUR of TEXTING. And you know it took longer than that.

I'd be PO'd no matter what they were talking about just from the huge time suck. You are very right not to let this go and do not sweep it under the rug.

Get a copy of the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, and make your husband read it with you.

feelingallalone · 04-24-2012, 08:36 PM

Sorry, I couldn't read your entire post...PLEASE break into paragraphs. That will help us help you.

From what I did read...this is definitely past the start of an EA. Once I read your post I'll say more, but this is exactly what my wife did...this is how it all started.....

Is he in love? I dunno, these EA's can develop into a sort of wierd type fantasy land love...I wouldn't call it true love. The deeper into it, the deeper they can fall into the rabbit hole, and the harder from them to crawl out.

It's not only the number of texts, it's the fact that he won't let you see them. BIG RED FLAG.

Once you break your text into paragraphs I'll give you more input.

underrain · 04-24-2012, 08:39 PM

i did break it up under another post titled am i overreacting to my husbands emotional affair?

talin · 04-24-2012, 09:05 PM

It was not an EA

Definitely sex involved.

TDSC60 · 04-24-2012, 10:08 PM

i mean he did pass a polygraph and confess to a crush but smething seems weird with that amount of texting.

Out of all that message this is what jumped out at me. He passed a polygraph concerning this other woman?

Confessed to a crush? That is an Emotional Affair. So yes he can not be friends with women because he cannot recognize when it is crossing the line. Him talking about you and your marriage to another woman is way over the line.

I work with plenty of men and women. But when I go home it is all about family. No calling or texting co-workers.

Lone Star · 04-24-2012, 10:22 PM

Your husband is full of crap. Mine did a very similiar thing. Was texting and calling his 'friend' that looked at him as an uncle, according to him. Yeah, right. When push came to shove he chose his friend over his wife. I don't know many people that give up a 20 year marriage and family over just someone that is a friend. Either your husband stops all contact now or you need to see an attorney. It really isn't a hard choice........my wife or my dear friend? Give me a break!