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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-24-2012, 09:52 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife found out about emotional affair. There is more though. Do I confess or not?

You are a good father? You can't face reality that your problem. You take time and energy away from your family by engaging in useless pursuit of ego stroking and pleasure seeking.

You hurt their mother risk her health with a nasty disease that she does not deserve and you consider yourself a good father? Tell that to a decent man and see if you get a pat on the back.

You will get a look of utter contempt and pity for the depth of your ignorance about what it takes to parent. You did one thing right he has a good and faithful mother who will always give him the attention he needs while his "father" is chasing his lower brain around.

That is good fatherhood in your book? Your son loves you now because he does not know how unlucky he is. He will find out when he is older and you continue to need your ego stroked. He will find out that while other fathers are nurturing and guiding their sons, his father is out hunting women like a dog in heat. He will see that that is more important to you than him or his mother. That love is likely to turn to hate.

He see you for the weak self-centered man you are when his mother becomes depressed and hopefully divorces you. Yes you will always be his father but you will not be a man he wants to emulate.

But you have not changed you are are delusional you had another affair that would have gone physical. You know that. You know you will do it again under the right circumstances and again and again. Each time you will feel so sorry.

Having a son was not enough to stop you for more than a short time, having another child won't make any difference.

You allowed yourself to be messed over by cheating women! Now you hate women including your wife for your weakness. You are the one at fault - how dare you destroy the lives of your young over cheating women. In essence you gave them power over your life, your kids lives and your wife. That makes you feel like a good father and man???

That makes sense to you? That makes you a very sad man if you can allow cheating women from years ago to eeef you up so badly now. I feel more sorry for you than your wife and kids.

You are the one that will lose the most. You are hurting people who did nothing to you because you can't get back at the women who hurt you and are still kicking your azz and unfortunately you family. Be a man for once and protect them. Just leave.
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Last edited by Catherine602; 04-24-2012 at 10:15 PM.
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Old 04-24-2012, 09:55 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife found out about emotional affair. There is more though. Do I confess or not?

Tell your wife everything and tell the married woman's husband.

Oh and messing with married women? really? sheesh
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Old 04-24-2012, 09:55 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife found out about emotional affair. There is more though. Do I confess or not?

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I didn't say I would have sex with her. It was just going down that path. Thankfully it didn't happen.

I know it must sound ridiculous but I haven't been with anyone else in over 2 years. So I do think I can change. I agree I was messed up by being cheated on. It definitely shaped how I think of women and how I act in relationships. The shame is my wife is/was the victim in this and she is innocent.

I love my wife. I wouldn't be happier single. I would miss her so much. I've never even considered for a second of leaving my wife for another woman. My wife has always been my focus. And my wife does love me.

Like I said as of 2010 I didn't have any STDs. I haven't slept with anyone else other than my wife so I am fairly sure I am clean and healthy.

I do have a good job and I provide for my family. My son loves me so much and I am a good dad to him. I don't know where you get off on telling me I am a bad father and someone else should raise my kids. Even if we were to get divorced I would still be my kids' dad.

I made some mistakes but I want to change and be the husband my wife deserves.

Thanks to all for the advice. I will put off making a decision on telling her for the time being.

I don't really like the idea of telling your wife so short before giving birth. When I found out the first time about my husbands cheating I was pregnant and almost had a miscarriage.

But, FallenMan... if you really love your wife and want to change then you look for a therapist asap and get some individual counseling for sexual compulsive behavior. This therapist can also work with you on an full disclosure and the best time to do this.

Let me tell you... my husband thought that he can "heal himself" and was clean for about two and a half years after my son's birth. But excuses are found quick when it itches again. Then he did it again. I don't think you are an exception.
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Old 04-24-2012, 09:56 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife found out about emotional affair. There is more though. Do I confess or not?

I do know what it feels like to be cheated on. I know too well. The first girl I dated cheated on me. It hurts like hell. Honestly going back I wish we just broke up and I never found out about her cheating. That is part of the reason why I kind of don't want to tell my wife.

A lot of it is less noble and more selfish though. I don't want to risk losing my son or daughter and I don't want to mess with their childhood. Our son is so happy and we have a nice home and a really happy life and I don't want to screw it up. I know now what I was doing was so dangerous and I want to make changes.

Last edited by FallenMan; 04-24-2012 at 10:06 PM. Reason: Clearing up confusion
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Old 04-24-2012, 10:01 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife found out about emotional affair. There is more though. Do I confess or not?

Sooner or later she will find out, FallenMan. And this will make things worse. You only put the problem on hold.
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Old 04-24-2012, 10:06 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife found out about emotional affair. There is more though. Do I confess or not?

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I do know what it feels like to be cheated on. I know too well.
If that's truly the case, then since when do "two wrongs" make "a right?" I think it's truly time to invite the Heavenly Father into your life. Because all I can see is your stated priority in justifying your actions. When you married your wife, she became your priority in life, not some appendage from your zipper! It's truly time that you found God, and in doing so, became the man that He so meant for you to be!
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Old 04-24-2012, 10:13 PM   #37 (permalink)
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I didn't say I would have sex with her. It was just going down that path. Thankfully it didn't happen.



I love my wife. I wouldn't be happier single. I would miss her so much. I've never even considered for a second of leaving my wife for another woman. My wife has always been my focus. And my wife does love me.


I made some mistakes but I want to change and be the husband my wife deserves.


I just don't want to hurt her or the baby. Its not based on me being a coward or not. I couldn't live with myself if I knew I did something that caused harm to our baby. Surely you can understand that?

I just love my wife and I can't in good faith tell her right now.

By you stating that it was "going down that path" is saying that you were going to have sex with OW. You don't stop yourself what stopped you was that your wife found out. So don't try and take credit for that one.


Of course you wouldn't be happier single because then it wouldn't be as thrilling to have had sex with those women without having an innocent victim at the other end! How has your wife been your focus? You stopped physically cheating because of the birth of your son, so does that mean if your child had not been born you would still be cheating? Your wife loves you and she doesn't know how you have shoved the infidelity knife in her back various times. Sad really.

If you truly want to be the husband your wife deserves then start by being completely honest with her. Here is a news flash for ya - it's not going to hurt any less if you tell her later, nope it will still feel like her heart was torn out of her chest by the person who she loved and trusted.

You not telling her IS being cowardly because you are taking advantage of her condition and using it as a shield of excuse to not tell her that you have been much more of a scummy H than she thinks you already are.

Actions have consequences darlin and it's high time you faced yours if you really want to change. Keeping all your dirty secrets is taking steps back in any progress your claim to be making.

I truly hope you can see past the insults (which you expected) and read the advice given by the wise people of this forum some have been cheaters as well as betrayed spouses.
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Old 04-24-2012, 10:15 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife found out about emotional affair. There is more though. Do I confess or not?

Maybe you were cheated on but apparently the pain didn't strike you to your core. If it had you would have never done the same thing to your wife, who by the way had nothing to do with the girls before her. You haven't a clue about the pain you have inflicted on your wife. I just hope your wife is a strong woman that will focus on her children and remove you from her life. You can still be a father but your halo just won't be above your head anymore.
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Old 04-25-2012, 04:22 AM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife found out about emotional affair. There is more though. Do I confess or not?

You will have to tell your wife, but I suggest a different way of telling her. You should date a letter with today's date, and begin writing a lengthy and detailed letter. You will be specific in the letter. Generalities or evasiveness will cause even more harm, if that is possible. You will begin going to counseling now. You don't need to tell your wife yet that you are in counseling. AFTER the baby is born you will tell your wife and you will give her the letter that started with today's date on it. She will not hear most of what you say and may take off or tell you to get out, so she needs the letter. Keep a copy, because she may tear it up. Tell her you are in counseling. She won't want to hear you will change, she needs to know you have accepted responsibility and are taking active steps to change. That may or may not save your "marriage", but she has a right to know; and she probably has enough doubts and suspicions already that your future together is doomed unless you come completely clean.
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Old 04-25-2012, 07:48 AM   #40 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife found out about emotional affair. There is more though. Do I confess or not?

You MUST tell her. NOW. Not telling her is not alot different than just continuing with the affair IMO. They are both deceitful. They are both hurtful. Neither allow your wife to make her own choices about rather or not she wants to be with you.

The other part of this is that if she is anything at all like me, once she finds out one thing she will have the idea in her head(like I did) "wow, when you see one rat, there are 10 you dont see" and she will like I did just start digging for the truth. Its out there to be found, ALWAYS. You'd be shocked to know just how willing people are to tell the wife everything they know.

Do it for your children's mother. Give her the respect you havent been giving her all along. Allow her to decide if she will stay with you. Allow her to decide if you're worthy.
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Old 04-25-2012, 07:50 AM   #41 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife found out about emotional affair. There is more though. Do I confess or not?

Don't say you are not telling her so you don't hurt her.

You have already hurt her. You have betrayed her, your marriage, your son, and your unborn child.

You are a serial cheater.

Not only did you have sex with 1 woman, you fvcked woman #2, woman #3, woman #4, woman #5, woman #6 and you were currently on woman #7.

That's a lot of women.

You are a serial cheater.

The fact you say you stopped this behavior is null and void since, well, you may have stopped sleeping with other women, but you were having your 7th affair in your marriage.

Tell your wife. She deserves to know who she is married to do and decide for herself if she wants to be with you or not. Right now, you are deciding for her, you have been deciding since 7 women ago. It's totally unfair.

It sounds like you are only owrrying because she just now found out about woman #7 (thinking she was woman #1). Would you ever have stopped? I mean really? Would you have? YOu said yourself you don't "think" you would cheat again and that says it all really--you're not sure.

She deserves the truth. You should respect her enough by telling her.

Oh and I see you're also worried about it getting out to her from other people that you've cheated on her with other women--that several people know about your affairs--that is an ever bigger slap int the face to her, a bigger insult--because the world knows you betrayed her--she just doesn't. That is humiliating and embarrassing to her on so many levels.

Respect her enough to tell her The Truth. Don't you think as your wife, a woman who has married you, who has born you children, deserves as much?

She needs to get tested for STDs.

And stop blaming your cheating on your exes. You say how horrible it is to be cheated on but you never got cheated on in a MARRIAGE. Not saying regular cheating doesn't suck, but being cheated on in a marriage, by a person whom you said vows with ... is awful.
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Old 04-25-2012, 07:53 AM   #42 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife found out about emotional affair. There is more though. Do I confess or not?

Fallenman -- Guess what? My H had an affair and thought just like you did. Oh, she will NEVER find out. Guess what? 18 months later I did. And that compiled it to this huge mess, and one that I won't be forgetting anytime soon. There are still shows and movies that I can not watch.

You chose to break your vow to your wife. By hiding who you truly are, you are lying to her to keep her in a marriage with you all the while knowing you haven't been faithful. Instead of worrying about yourself, which is what you are ACTUALLY doing, you need to consider her. No, she won't kill you. She will probably leave you, but you are the cause of that, not her. You aren't protecting HER, you are looking out for yourself and your Other Women. Stop trying to convince yourself this is about her, its about you. You don't want to face the consequences for your actions. If you are man enough to make the choice, be man enough to take the consequence.
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Old 04-25-2012, 07:55 AM   #43 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife found out about emotional affair. There is more though. Do I confess or not?

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Fallenman -- Guess what? My H had an affair and thought just like you did. Oh, she will NEVER find out. Guess what? 18 months later I did. And that compiled it to this huge mess, and one that I won't be forgetting anytime soon. There are still shows and movies that I can not watch.

You chose to break your vow to your wife. By hiding who you truly are, you are lying to her to keep her in a marriage with you all the while knowing you haven't been faithful. Instead of worrying about yourself, which is what you are ACTUALLY doing, you need to consider her. No, she won't kill you. She will probably leave you, but you are the cause of that, not her. You aren't protecting HER, you are looking out for yourself and your Other Women. Stop trying to convince yourself this is about her, its about you. You don't want to face the consequences for your actions. If you are man enough to make the choice, be man enough to take the consequence.
Yep they all think "she'll never find out" .....WE DO.
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Old 04-25-2012, 07:58 AM   #44 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife found out about emotional affair. There is more though. Do I confess or not?

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Yep they all think "she'll never find out" .....WE DO.
Exactly. 18 months later on Facebook I get the message. Yep, that's right, someone will find her and tell her. It is all a matter of time.
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:03 AM   #45 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife found out about emotional affair. There is more though. Do I confess or not?

Oh and........if she finds out on her own, it's going to be 1000x worse. You can count on it. Because she will think, "Damn. He didn't even have the decency to tell me himself--I had to hear it through a third party/find out on my own."

Skeletons have a way of coming out of the closet when you least expect it.

And you can bank on that.

Last edited by Jellybeans; 04-25-2012 at 08:13 AM.
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