Aristotle

FallenMan, it sounds like your "awakening" 2 years ago after you had your son was more of a "dry spell". The first woman that comes along and gives you a bit of attention, you jump in head first. You openly admit that you were probably going to have sex with her. Either your "awakening" only lasted 2 years or there was no "awakening", you just didn't have much time on your hands with a new baby. Now, with the baby a bit older, a bit less "new" to you, you are back to your old ways.

Oh wait, now after being caught, you are having another "awakening" and all the sudden your family, wife, and child are important again.

Until the next girl comes along.

You are a cheater, that will never change. You will always cheat and these "awakenings" mean nothing, you've already shown yourself that.

If you were a man, you wouldn't have cheated in the first place. If you were even half of a man, you'd tell your wife what she deserves to know. Otherwise you are a sleazy coward.

Sorry, that's just how I feel.

Pluto2

FallenMan, telling your wife NOW will be to ease your conscience, so you can move on. It will not be for her. If she is about to give birth this is not what she needs to here come out of your mouth. Suck it up dude. You owe her.
I know you believe that you are a good father. And if your son follows in your footsteps as a man, would you still think you are a good father? You did not put your family above your own selfish desires? Is that a good father?
If you are sincere, and your wife is an unbelievably forgiving woman, you man be able to salvage your marriage. Maybe. I wasn't as forgiving. And neither were my daughters who found out about their father's behavior through his actions-not mine.
Before you reveal, get into counseling. You have a lot of work to do.

canttrustu

NO. Because you run the very high risk of her finding out in the meantime. Be a MAN, just this once.

FallenMan

I don't even know how to go about that conversation. Its terrifying to me. She was so hurt and angry over the messages. I think its understandable that I would be scared to tell her this. Even though I never let it interfere with our lives it was wrong and I can't help but feel its going to change how she feels about our entire relationship.

I'm just going to be the best husband I can be for the next few months and then re-assess whether to tell then. I'm too scared to blow up our marriage and our lives. Our son deserves better. I was reading a thread on here about a woman who revenge cheated on her husband. I don't want to encourage my wife to do something similar. I just want to put all this cheating behind us.

I know I can stop. I have too much to lose. Like I have said all of these physical affairs are in the distant past. I'm not currently in an affair. I think the lack of consensus here is telling too. If people on an infidelity website aren't even sure if I should tell then...

Jellybeans

Look, no one's saying it's abnormal that you are scared to tell her--because of course you feel terrified. It's normal because you know full well that you were WRONG.

As for how you go about it you say, "Wife, I ahve something I need to tell you. And I know you are really upset with me but you are my wife and I respect you enough to tell you this. I XYZ."

Simple. Hard on the heart, sure, but simple.

Well, DUH. That's what happens when someone cheats. But that was part of the deal when you willfully and intentionally had sex with all those women. The worst part, I think, about your situation is that your wife discovered the texts on her own--the affair--it wasn't because you told her about it. Just saying.

But you already DID blow up your life. See? As for putting the cheating behind you--too late for that. The cat's out of the bag. Upon your wife's most recent discovery--your marriage is forever changed. You do understand that, right?

Don't try to play us. The fact is, you don't want to tell her. Don't try to excuse it away by saying people arne't sure here so you're not sure what the right thing to do is. You know. You know full well that you aren't honoring your wife by hiding all these secrets.

If she finds out from someone else that in addition to your EA, you also had sex with woman #1, woman #2, woman #3, woman #4, woman #5, and woman #6 (fvck, that is a lot of women), it is going to be like steel knives running down her back and in her heart.

Mark my words.

My exH did a lot of crap things to me, but the one thing I can honestly say that I will forever be greatful to him for, is the fact he came forward to me & told that he had sex with someone else. It takes someone with courage to actually own that. Because most people (like you) don't have the b@lls to.

And was I Happy that he did it? HELLno. But I respect him more as a man for not letting me find out from the public/a third party/on my own.

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vi_bride04

Wow. Stinks to be the wife in this situation. I have no advice as this is not an easy situation for either spouse to deal with. It's going to be messy......

sigma1299

There is nothing "distant" about anything you've related - you've only been married 5 years. You're just getting started. And there is no statute of limitations on cheating, the clock doesn't start running until D Day (discovery day - the day she finds out).

If you think this hasn't interfered with your lives you are lying to yourself. While you were giving your time, energy, attention and affection (I'll withhold love??) to these other women there was less for your wife. It affected your lives, you just don't know how and she doesn't even have a clue.

"I'm just going to be the best husband I can be for the next few months and then re-assess whether to tell then." Translation: "I'm going to use the contradictory opinions here as justification not to tell my wife the truth and see if I can bury this deeply enough that I can live with myself if I don't tell her."

If you don't have her to hold you accountable you will repeat. If you don't get this all out in the open and get yourself some help and figure out why you do this you will repeat. Do you know the definition of insanity? Insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting different result. WTF are you going to do different to keep this from happening again?!?!?

I'll give you that her pregnancy is a major cluster and I honestly don't know what I would do. But here's what I do know. Your wife is going to find out. There are other people involved and secrets just love daylight - they'll find they're way out - no way this stays a secret. If you don't tell her - my bet is that the marriage is over. The lies and the betrayal will be too much combined when it comes to the surface via a third party. If you tell her - now or after the baby is born - you MIGHT have a chance. To wait or not? I can't tell you - but right now she has an open wound. Have you ever had to reopen a wound to clean it after it's already scabbed over? Do you remember how much more it hurts than had you cleaned the wound thoroughly the first time? This is the same thing. If she starts to heal from finding your EA and then you reopen it and make it MUCH worse you will hurt her much worse than if you told her today. There is a price she will pay for your delaying due to her pregnancy - is it worth it? I have no idea, just understand the trade off you are making.

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Almostrecovered

Tell her

Trickle truth hurts more in many ways than Dday

let's imagine you don't tell her and things improve and get much better, she's operating under false pretensions. That's not fair to her in any way shape or form. Then the hammer comes down a few months later and she learns the truth. She will never trust that she will ever get the full truth. As small of a shot that it is if you tell her the full truth now that she stays, imagine how much smaller that shot will be if she learns you were still lying?

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Jellybeans

Fallen,

Have you ever read Edgar Allen Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart?"

That is you, my friend.

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Jellybeans

Um, actually there are 7 other women.

And I believe he said that people at his workplace are aware of these affairs. So it's not like just him and the 7 know. The public knows.

He better pray like hell one of them doesn't call his wife to let her know she fvcked her husband, along with the others "and everyone knows about it."

Egads!

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sigma1299

Fallenman - you need to read this thread.

What if the worst part of the marriage is you?

Dvls didn't think his wife would find out either. You really need to read that one from start to finish.

Edit to add: There is no subtext or message intended from me in the title of that thread - it's just the name the OP gave it...

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Gabriel

I understand this point of view, but there is no way he's not going to cheat again. It's who he is.

Jellybeans

Yeah that is right--he said he slept with 6 of them and #7 was on her way to becoming another PA.

I never read DvlsAd's thread. What happened in there? Cliff notes please?

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sigma1299

Long one to summarize - I'll try.

Posted that he had had multiple affairs and was completely unhappy in his marriage. He stated that when he and his W married the agreement was no kids, later she changed her mind and pressured him - he acquiesced. Subsequently his wife stopped being the woman he married and became Mom - everything was about the kids, the marital relationship was gone. He got fulfillment outside the marriage with several casual PA's and acknowledged it as cheating but felt justified as he viewed his wife's reversal about children as an equal betrayal. At the time of his posting he was basically stating (he didn't really ask a question that I can recall) that he was staying in the marriage because he was getting his needs met elsewhere and he didn't see the point in destroying his wife and children's world. He wasn't happy in the marriage but had found a way that he could survive in it by getting his needs met by other women.

The point I thought relevant for Fallenman was that Dvls always insisted that his wife would not find out. He believed he had been cleaver enough and kept the affairs casual enough that his cheating would never see daylight. After the thread had run its course he came back and posted that she had found out. I don't remember the details of how, but he got busted. He hasn't posted in his thread after that but I've seen him around some other threads occasionally.

Anyone add or correct if I got it wrong or left something out.

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WhereAmI

I think you're underestimating just how horribly your EA has affected your W. She is already crushed. If you wait to tell her the truth she will NEVER believe it's the full truth. You need to clear the air now. If she starts trying to rebuild this relationship believing that you're being truthful and faithful then finds out otherwise, she'll be devastated and your chances of keeping your family together will be far less. Neither of you can begin to really heal without all the cards on the table.
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