pidge70

Yes I did cheat. My H found out on his own because I was too cowardly to tell him. I see that you have no problem taking advice from the cheaters who advocate not telling.
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anchorwatch

Fallen, you have decided what path you are taking. Stop asking for and looking for absolution for your decision. Go ahead and do it, keep your wife's fantasy about you.
IMO, you are CLUELESS...SELFISH...and most definitely HOPELESS

FallenMan

I haven't cheated on her while she is pregnant with our current child. Its not a huge distinction but I haven't actually had sex with another woman in over two years. I just want to set the record straight on that.

The only reason why I mentioned it is the other people that gave advice seemed to mention their history. You were giving advice as if you were the victim. I was a little surprised to find out YOU cheated because based on the comments you were making it seemed like you were being betrayed.

I am open to all advice. I do not want to hurt my wife. I was reading your threads and it seemed like you destroyed your husband with your Affair(s). I couldn't handle that and I think not telling and changing is the better option. I do think what I did could stay in the past. I'm not in contact with any of the OW and I think with some luck it may just remain a secret. I already feel tremendous guilt. I'm not going to knowingly bring more pain to my wife.

FallenMan

Hopefully I can prove you wrong. I have learned a lot from this forum and I have received a lot of helpful advice. I'm sorry if some of you feel this way.

Onmyway

You never know if and when she could find out, I found absolute proof because my wife installed one little app on her phone and then deleted it because she didn't like it. Well it turns out that the apps files were still on her phone, and the app happened to back up existing texts from her phone. These back ups were not view able on her phone, however she backed up her phone to get a new one and I found just the right file in the back up files on our pc, one in a million chance, one in a million. She was smart too, deleted everything, never used the computer, etc. But I was suspicious and became super sleuth.

The point of this is that you never know, if she stays with you through this EA, do you think not telling her about the PA will save your marriage when she finds out about it in 6 months? A year?

Stop kidding yourself, you're not protecting your family by not telling her, you are highly disrespecting her by taking away her choice, and only protecting yourself.
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pidge70

Actually, I was betrayed as well, which I'm sure you know. He had a revenge affair. Yes, I did destroy him at the time but, we are still together.
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OhGeesh

Fallen, if you have been faithful for two years you have definitely made some progress.

Take it to the grave!! I do question the open marriage thread you have going too?

That's a talke for a different day.........best of luck have fun with your wife, son, and unborn child to be. As far as arguing confess/not confess.

It's simple there is nothing to gain by confessing period end of story!! Nothing but pain, fights, for years to come if you open your mouth now.

You know if you changed be like a oak with strong roots and stick with it!!

DawnD

He hasn't been faithful for two years. He was just caught in an EA, which he admitted would have turned PA had she not caught him. He hasn't PHYSICALLY cheated on her in two years.

I said it before, this many times cheating, its a lifestyle not a bad choice. Let your wife know what is going on in her marriage so she can decide whether or not she wants to be a part of it anymore.

FallenMan

I conceded it could have gone physical. I wasn't trying to have a physical affair and I have been very hard on myself and tried to avoid situations where I could/would physically cheat. Being caught in the EA was a wake-up call for me and I realize what is at stake. But I haven't kissed or had sex with another woman in quite some time.

Do you seriously think I should tell my wife who is due to give birth in less than two months that I've cheated on her? We are being told to keep stress as low as possible for her. How in the world can I tell her something so serious now? A few of you keep trying to make this a black and white issue when its really not.

I've had so many people tell me take it to the grave or wait. My gut tells me take it to the grave or at least put it off until a better time. I am changing. I know I did something truly awful. But I don't want to lose my wife and family. Telling her about the affairs would risk everything we've worked for.

The open marriage thread was just an option I briefly considered. I don't think it is for us and its not something we are considering. I have a lot of issues with it the more I think about it and my wife showed no interest in it when I brought it up.

DawnD

Yes, I think your wife deserves to know who she is married to. Tell her after the baby? Sure, but I am sure your excuse will be " but she just had a baby, that isn't fair to her". Then it will be "but we have two small kids" and then "but we have kids". Yep, sure, I got plenty of excuses. Yes, excuses.

She was working for a marriage with a faithful and honest man. You were working for a marriage in which you lie and deceive your wife while having sex with other women. Two separate goals.

I am sure you have plenty of people who tell you not to tell her. To protect yourself. Their advice has nothing to do with what is right for HER, its about protecting yourself and making sure she still sees you as this wonderful husband instead of what you REALLY are. It has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you avoiding the consequences of your actions. Had she not caught your EA, you will still be cheating right now without any regard to your family you keep using as an excuse to lie to your wife.

FallenMan

I think our goals are now the same. I have no desire to be with anyone else and the sleeping with others is in the past.

Were you really betrayed? If my wife cheated in revenge I would think I deserved it. I wouldn't have the gall to say I am betrayed when I am the betrayer. I (and you) had the affairs first. I was shredded for saying I didn't want my wife with others in another thread. What you are saying is even worse. You think its okay to cheat but when your partner does the same you say you were "betrayed". This isn't really related to my issues and I'm sorry for getting off topic. Congratulations on your boyfriend and you still being together.

I don't think my wife would have a revenge affair but who knows? That isn't something I would look forward to and I think telling her about the affairs would make our lives less stable. I don't want to deal with a revenge affair situation. My issue with coming clean is it is going to upend our lives and cause us so much pain. I'm not going to cheat again. Why ruin everything we have over mistakes in the past?

pidge70

First off, no one deserves to be cheated on. I have no idea where you got that I stated something like that.

Honestly, I could care less what your opinion of me is much like you care less what anyone here thinks of you. I do wonder though, why bother to ask a question you already have the answer to?

sigma1299

He hasn't been faithful for two years. His wife just caught him in an EA for God's sake. The only progress he's made is in the number of OW he's had.

He can't take it to the grave. He can't quit. Like anyone with something they can't control he's going to ride it until it blows up and only little pieces of his wife and marriage are left. If he'd man up he's a slim chance, yes it will crush his wife but that damage is already done. On his current path, that you and a few other posters are helping him justify, when his wife finds out there is no chance to save it. But, maybe that's better.

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sigma1299

Well I can't believe I worked this hard on a lost cause but Fallen - in a continued effort to not let you delude yourself and call you on stupid BS I actually went through this whole thread and counted the damn votes.

I'm sorry my friend but it's a land slide. Of the people who have posted clear opinions about whether you should tell your wife or not 20 have stated that they believe you should, only 10 have stated that they believe you should not. That's 2:1 or 67% of totals votes cast. If this were a presidential election you'd be saying you've been given a mandate the vote is so overwhelming.

So don't lie to us and tell us that there is no clear consensus - there is and it's to tell your wife. If you want to lie to yourself and choose to hear only the people telling you what you want to hear then go ahead; but don't try to take us with you.

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Catherine602

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