I started visiting this forum about three weeks ago, when I first suspected my wife was having an EA. I didn't have proof, but I knew she wasn't being honest with me.
She started becoming distant a month ago. All the red flags were there. She started working very late every night, she had a new group of friends including males. About a week ago, upon glancing at her cell phone, I saw the first real sign that something was going on. One of her new male friends, after she sent him a text asking what he was doing, he replied with "I'm in bed now. I wish you were here with me." She didn't respond directly to this, just talked about being out with her other friends. When I saw this message, I confronted her, and she said that she didn't even notice that and she didn't reply to him about that. Trusting her, I let it go.
Over the next few days, I noticed she frequently visited his facebook page and texted him. She started listening to music completely different from what she had listened to before. I hinted to her that I wasn't comfortable with how close she seemed to be with this man.
Four days ago, we had a big fight. I told her I didn't appreciate how distant she was being, and told her that I was suspicious of this friend of hers. She apologized and said she has just been stressed and would try to make more time with me. I asked her to promise me she would not become so close to this man, and she told me they barely talked and they wouldn't talk anymore.
I frequently checked her cell phone over the next two days. The last text message from him was from right before our last fight. I still felt suspicious.
Well, my instincts proved to be right. Yesterday, I checked the phone bill (her phone is in my name). She had been texting him very frequently and deleting all the recent messages so it appeared to me that she had stopped.
I was at work, but I couldn't control myself. I sent her a message immediately that I knew she had lied to me about him, and after quite a bit of angry words, I told her she would need to pack her clothes and leave by the end of the day. She replied that she was so sorry and that she doesn't know how I found out and that she wanted to tell me everything. I said that she can tell me whatever she wants while she packs.
She was already home, and crying, when I got there. Words were said, and she begged me to allow her to tell the truth. So, it turns out it was not only an EA but a PA as well. The PA started two weeks ago, and they had been together "more than 5 times".
I have never been so hurt in my life. The details of the PA make me physically sick. The worst and most insulting incident:
Last week, my wife called me to pick her up from work (she doesn't drive). I drove the 15 minutes to her work, and called her from the parking lot. She said "I'm sorry I really need to work on something, can you come get me later?" Annoyed, I went home and waited. She came home about two hours later. She was very friendly to me, as if nothing was out of the ordinary. I found out later that she was with him. I was waiting outside to pick her up, and she sent me away so she could cheat on me. I found this out because she forgot her phone in his car that day. She said one of her female friends had driven her home, but I later saw on her facebook that she told her female friend she had left her phone in that man's car, and she hinted that they had been physical that evening, and that it was not the first time.
I hate that this happened to me. I feel like my life is over. I suffer from bipolar disorder, and last night was one of the worst episodes in my life. I ended up smashing dishes, boxes, everything I could get my hands on. I broke the TV. The police came. My wife sent them away - I would never hurt her, but my disease prevents me from acting rationally. I ended up having to leave because it become a full blown psychiatric emergency. I had to be treated by an on-call doctor who gave me sedatives and told me to sleep it off and see my doctor in the morning.
Since I was already gone, I stayed gone. I went to my mother's house. She drove me back to our home so I could get my meds, and when I walked in my wife was sitting on the couch with a female friend, who was there to comfort her. I just got my meds, packed a bag. She tried to talk to me, and I just told her how hurt I was. Said the same story over and over. She insists that she cares about me and loves me, but I don't know how you can love someone and still cheat on them, especially when they are waiting outside for you.
I left, but last night was an endless stream of furious and hurt texts. I just can't stop telling her how hurt I am. At least she has the decency to cry and be remorseful.
Last night I went public as much as I could, out of pure fury. Unfortunately I could only do it via phone or facebook, but I confronted the other man, her friends who knew and didn't stop her, told her other friends that didn't know, and I contacted the other man's girlfriend.
I hate her so much, but I still care deeply about her. She is 8 years younger than me, and doesn't have a quarter of the life experiences that I do. I hate what she did to me, but I can't help but think that I have made many mistakes in my life... and if I can't forgive her, why do I deserve other people's forgiveness for the times I have wronged them.
I agreed to meet her today, and we spent about three hours talking to her. I gave her my conditions. I told her she must agree to them before I even begin to consider reconciliation. I told her she must immediately stop all contact with the other man, and that entire circle of friends with the exception of two women who I hope will be good for her. I told her she must not develop or maintain a close friendship or relationship with any males, and she was not to be alone with another male for any reason. Finally, I asked her to write me a letter. She must fully disclose all the details of her affair, agree to the terms I set forth, and tell me her plan for reconciliation. I told her that I will agree to meet with her again once that document is written, and we can enter counseling and attempt a reconciliation, but also that my primary focus at the moment is my own mental health and keeping my job (my bipolar episode forced me to miss work today)
Forgive me if my writing is too long or doesn't make sense. I'm not in a very clear frame of mind. I desperately want to be able to some day forgive my wife for what she's done to me, but at the moment I can't see how that will ever happen. But, I guess I have already made progress. Two days ago I was in the mindset that I would send her packing for even an EA. I never would have guessed I would even agree to meet with her again after learning of a PA. It's easy to say you'll never forgive, but life is not so black and white. This last month aside, I have been at my happiest and healthiest due to my relationship with my wife. We are separated for the time being, but I told her that if she agreed to my conditions and did the things I asked of her, I would be willing to meet with her, go to counseling, and possibly schedule some dates together. As long as she commits and is dedicated, I don't see why we can't build a new foundation and find a happy life together.
Could you verify what she said?(That it was 5 times.). There are programs that can extract deleted messages from her phone. Tell her that and ask her to come clean. Make sure that you have the complete truth before you attempt R.
I would also advise that you take some time to decide if you want to R. many take the decision to reconcile too early and under go years of hell.
Sorry your here, but it sound like you have been lurcking here and I think your confrontation was effective.
If the OM was a coworker I suggest she quit, the money is not worth the marriage.
Has *she* made an appointment for IC/MC?
Have you been able to confirm that she has stop all contact with OM?
You know the routine, so follow up and confirm her commitment.
For now take care of your self and ask for some time off from work due to family emegency. Try to eat and take some Advile PM so you can get some sleep.
This is just the start of the emotional rollercoast ahead of you. Don't strees you have time to make some big dicision, now is not the time to make any kind of dicision that will effect the rest of your life. Give your self some time for your head to clare. Belive me you will start to think alittle clearer within a few days.
Its not what knocks us down that counts, it how we get back up that matters.
The letter I told her she must write to me prior to any reconciliation attempts must include full disclosure. I don't believe she will hold anything back, because she believes I know more than I do. She is far less sneaky than she thinks she is, and is not very technically inclined. She already believes that I am some kind of wizard/spy for catching her. I am aware of the text message recover programs, though, and will not hesitate to use them should I have any doubts. My #1 priority is protecting myself.
We have no kids.
She is 20, I am 28. We have been married 18 months. A lot of people will say I am foolish for marrying someone so young, but I haven't regretted it until now. That is also probably the primary reason I am willing to reconcile. She is young and young people make foolish mistakes. I made many. As long as she makes the effort and proves she can be honest, then I am willing to attempt the path to forgiveness. I learned a very hard lesson about personal integrity when I was in the Army. I shared that with her, and told her that the only way we will ever have a relationship again is if she does the right thing for the right reason, no matter where I am.
Can't change the past, right? Can only do the best we can with what we have.
I want to reconcile, despite my pain, so long as she is willing to meet my terms and make an effort.
The letter I told her she must write to me prior to any reconciliation attempts must include full disclosure. I don't believe she will hold anything back, because she believes I know more than I do. She is far less sneaky than she thinks she is, and is not very technically inclined. She already believes that I am some kind of wizard/spy for catching her. I am aware of the text message recover programs, though, and will not hesitate to use them should I have any doubts. My #1 priority is protecting myself.
We have no kids.
She is 20, I am 28. We have been married 18 months. A lot of people will say I am foolish for marrying someone so young, but I haven't regretted it until now. That is also probably the primary reason I am willing to reconcile. She is young and young people make foolish mistakes. I made many. As long as she makes the effort and proves she can be honest, then I am willing to attempt the path to forgiveness. I learned a very hard lesson about personal integrity when I was in the Army. I shared that with her, and told her that the only way we will ever have a relationship again is if she does the right thing for the right reason, no matter where I am.
Can't change the past, right? Can only do the best we can with what we have.
I want to reconcile, despite my pain, so long as she is willing to meet my terms and make an effort.
Divorce and remarry when she gets to 25 if you guys are still feeling it. Date in the mean time. Marriage at 18 is almost always bad. I'm pretty sure she wanted to know what else is out there. That is often the cause of cheating in women that married too young. They doubt themselves that they settled and fish for prospects. And they don't find it too hard considering how easy it is for women to find someone interested in them.
What made her want to cheat after only 18 months of marriage?
You confronted her with her behavior, specifically that she was too close to the other man, she lied to you that she barely spoke to him and she was hiding her contact with him, deleting texts. Even knowing you were suspicious, she was not too afraid to get caught and possibly lose you. She didn't end it with the other man for fear of getting caught and losing you at that point. The only reason she stopped the affair was because you caught her and threatened to divorce her.
How dependent is she upon you? She doesn't drive, so you must drive her everywhere? Her phone is in your name? Is she financially dependent on you? If you divorced her, where would she go? Could she support herself?
You are understanding that she is young and you made mistakes when you were young, too. This is a dynamic that is not part of most marriages. Are you playing the role of father in addition to husband? How does she see you, more in the father role, or husband role?
I would suggest having her handwrite a "no contact" letter to the other man. The letter should state how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for having risked losing her husband and her marriage, which mean more than anything else in the world to her. The letter should state that she does not want the other man to ever contact her again and that if he does, she will file harassment charges against him.
You should tell her that no contact also includes her not looking at his facebook profile. Also, that if he ever does try to contact her again, she should not respond and tell you immediately.
Prepare yourself for what you will do if she breaks no contact or any one of your other conditions. It seems that you might have been in a bit of a father role in addition to the husband role, more so than in most marriages. Now, you will be monitoring her communications and dictating where she can go and with whom - which is normal for a time to rebuild trust after cheating has been discovered - but she may perceive you even more as a father figure and rebel against you.
You've done well so far, try your best going forward, but keep in mind that you might not be able to get over it and ultimately, you cannot control how she thinks or what she does, you can only control your actions and reactions to her.
She is young and young people make foolish mistakes. I made many. As long as she makes the effort and proves she can be honest, then I am willing to attempt the path to forgiveness.
Sorry, but just because someone is young it doesn't mean that her wrongdoings are justified.
There are other girls of her age that are more matured and more responsible than her.
If you think she's young and she has a lot to learn, you shouldn't have married her in the first place!
You should have let her live her life, make all the mistakes she wanted to make and after she was done with that she could have married you.
These are the risks of getting married to someone of that age, nevertheless there are no excuses for what she did.
Someone who claims to love you doesn't / should not act like she did!
She proved to be a good liar so think twice before reconciliation!
Have to say Dauntless, you did it the right way.
Don't stress abdout being stressed, it's perfectly normal, and don't rush into any decisions - god knows I did. I wished I'd taken my time - I'd have saved myself a lot of grief and taken control of things faster strangely enough.
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I haven't really thought about the future that much, but when I die I think I'll go back to doing whatever I was doing for the fifteen billion years before I was born.
i agree with morituri. She is way too young . I married at 29 yet i felt i was still not ready to settle down. She will do it again. Get used to it. Posted via Mobile Device
I wish more people could see how effectively you handled this. It's still possible she hasn't told you the full truth, but a strong reaction with clear consequences got her to confess the PA ON HER OWN right away, if I understand you correctly. That is practically unheard of.
You still have the separate issue of determining whether or not to reconcile. Only you can know whether that makes sense.
If you do plan to reconcile, you will need MC. Find an MC who is well-educated on infidelity issues. Otherwise you will get stuck with an MC who ignores the past and focuses on the wrong things--a waste of time and money. (Speaking from experience--I've had both kinds!) They need to focus on processing your grief and anger over the affair with her sitting right there with you. (You should also be going to IC so you can share your darkest thoughts uncensored--I found that invaluable.)
There's the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley and a new book my MC just recommended that I haven't read yet but the reviews are good--Staying Together When an Affair Pulls you Apart.
There are various books and methods for getting closer and improving your marriage--but some of this is for a little ways down the road. First things first.
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Everything can change so quickly... 
