mas1208

HailMary, your post is almost exactly what I am going through. My wife started having an EA at the end of December. We seemed to be going ok, not great but we seemed to love each other, at least I loved her. When she started becoming more distant and spending all of her free time talking with the OM I felt I needed to know what was going on. I installed a keylogger on our computer and got the password to her email account.

The first thing I found was an email between the two of them which basically went something like, He:"you just need to ask yourself if you could do this with all your heart", She:"Yes", He:"Then all I need to know is when". I also found a few emails that had explicit videos attached. They both claim that it was just all in fun and she refuses to acknowledge they were inappropriate. The deal breaker for me was the email I found to her friend that basically said "I think I am going to tell him tonight how I feel. I dont want to travel all the way to Chicago if he doesnt feel the same". I asked her last week if she still wanted to work on our marriage and she said that she needed space so she could find who she was as an individual (we started dating when we were both young) and that to build a strong relationship we needed to be strong people separately first. I told her that just as important in a strong relationship is trust in each other, she agreed so I proceeded to ask her if she wanted to explain the emails.

It was here she said that she had enough and wanted a divorce because I kept spying on her and didnt trust her. She said that the emails with the videos were just a joke but she never has owned up to the one about telling him how she feels. The couple times its been brought up since then she refuses to acknowledge it and just keeps bringing it back to me invading her privacy and not owning up to my mistakes. As cliché as this may sound I wouldnt have needed to pry if she was just willing to talk to me but all she would do is make excuses. I accept my part in letting her slip away, taking her for granted but it comes down to if she really wanted us to work all she had to do was talk to me about what she was feeling. Instead she chose to seek that else where.

When a person refuses to acknowledge that what they are doing is an EA then it will be hard to get them to see your point of view. If you want things to work try to talk to her but dont sound confrontational. Just tell her you are trying to understand where things went wrong so that you can both work on things. But be prepared for her to be set in her ways.

I really hope things will work out for the best for the two of you, good luck.

revitalizedhusband

These stories are precisely why my wife and I both use the same password for everything.

We are complete open books with each other.

Do either of us ever go checking the other's emails? No, but we both know the possibility of the other seeing our emails is there so none of this EA stuff ever happens.

We both also have access to each other's Facebook pages as well for the same reason. Again, we never really log in as the other person but the possibility is there.

Neither have separate bank accounts, all joint. No separate credit cards, all joint, etc.

It makes you 100% accountable to the other person.

moogvo

It has been my experience that when the wife gets angry about the things you are looking at, then she is hiding something.

I could care less when my wife looks at my e-mail and looks in my cell phone. I have nothing to hide.

She began to get angry with me when I would look at her things only after she was guilty of affairs.

~Moog

DB in PA

I feel for you man. My wife si doing the same thing. When I confronted her she turned it into my fault. turned it into me not trusting her because i spyed on her. This time I am handling it different due to reading alot about it and reading these posts and one on other web sites.

Don't take all the blame here. Yes, something happened to the relationship that was probably both of you, but she choose not to work on the marriage. She choose to find the EA.
I am planning on telling my wife she has to choose between him, or the marraige and the children. If she chooses him, then she looses everything, and I do have the evidence to back it up.
I do not want it to be that way, but I am going insane, as I am sure you are. Sounds like your situation is identical to mine. Fool me once same on you...fool me twice, shame on me. I am not going to be fooled twice
The choice here is can you redeme the marriage, and do you both want to.

Good Luck DB

marina72

It seems like men and women will come up with all kinds of excuses as to why they cheated, or find all kinds of ways to say it's an invasion of Their privacy if you are suspicious and spy on them

bottom line HailMary, your wife was doing wrong. You caught her, she shifted the blame to you, a very well known tactic. The reason she immediately spit out that stuff about divorce when you told her you found her posts, is that she was at that point, unable to hide it anymore, and wanted you to be the bad guy. She wants all of this to be your fault.

It does take two to make a marriage work, and even if there were problems, and she had a responsibility to discuss her feelings with you, instead of running out and starting all of these EA's...

And I guess maybe it's because I'm a woman, but to me, and Emotional affair, is just the same as a physical one. They are both cheating, both devastating. What she did to you was horrible.

If you find that you simply can't work on this with her, or that you're too far gone , to ever want her again, as a wife. Then I wouldn't blame you for moving on with your life. For some people there is a commitment , and or religious aspect, that factors into it, and it's hard to walk away, when you've stood in a church, and promised before God to never leave one another.

But, if one of the spouses betrays the other, with adultry, then if it can't be resolved, I'd say it's okay to move on. Ultimately, God wants so much for all people to be happy, and healthy.

Good luck Hail Mary...
peace be with you... :-) keep everyone updated.

HailMary

And also with you, marina72

findingpeace

I bieleve in an open book policy those who hide nothing have nothing to hide you as her husband have a god given right to know what your wife is doing in all things I cant bieleve just as my wife has done when they destroy the trust of there spouse how do they think the trust is supose to return to the relationship after my wifes affair she became more secretive than before making matters ten times worse for me you did the right thing to check up on her next time kick her out of the house

AZMOMOFTWO

You asked should you have communicated to her differently? Why is it that the one spouse can do all the offenses to the other and yet there is an expectation that YOU should do everything perfectly? I'm sure it was difficult for you to discover the affair and to feel the necessity to spy. As you likely have heard the guilty party will try to transfer guilt. This is all YOUR fault because she can't live with you not trusting her???...that's just beyond ridiculous as she knows she is not trustworthy. Your spying did not cause her to cheat, her cheating caused you to spy. I also don't want to be the one to point out something but I think you came here for different opinions. This may be much more than an EA and that is why she's gone on the offense.

So how could you have communicated differently? Well in retrospect you could have asked her to explain the phone call, asked her about the various signs you saw. Not accuse but ask. Try to focus more on the marriage and repairing it, one person can make a difference as long as there is at least a small part of the other that still wants it to work out. Would this have changed anything? Probably not, you'd likely still be in the same situation.

I think you should do as you suggested in your own post. Take a break from this emotional stuff. Do something you have always wanted to do. Focus on you and do something selfish if even just for a day. Being on the other side of this...and I know men react differently than women...but no change happened until I started focusing on me. I developed a new set of friends, they also became my support system, I learned how to be independent and how to have fun without him. My kids were lacking in attention so I took them to do some fun stuff just them and me and I figured if he wanted to have his affair (and his EA turned in to a PA they often do!) do it, but we're moving on. He can be a lousy parent but no excuse for me to be one.

That's what turned everything around. He was no longer in control, he was out of options. Every time I tried to communicate and fix it, he'd push me away. So I pushed him away and moved on. That's when he wanted to reconcile.

So my advice is to put yourself first. Do something that makes you feel better. Step away for awhile from trying to fix things. Spend time on something else. If your relationship survives it will benefit from this. Do not let this tear you apart, get stronger because of it. Does she even deserve you? I hope you can work it out but don't let her treat you like a doormat.

moogvo

So, to paraphrase what she is saying... "How dare you catch me cheating on you. You have no right to find out that I am betraying you. Who do you think you are catching me cheating. The fact that you caught me nullifies MY guilt and shifts the blame onto YOU!"

What a LOAD!

That is like telling the judge that the cop wouldn't have known that you were speeding without sitting in the median with a radar gun. He invaded your rights because he was sitting there waiting on you to come barreling down the highway, Therefore, it is HIS fault you were speeding and he should be fired!

Sounds rather silly when you switch the situation around. She is pissed that you caught her. To answer your original question, you did it correctly. Had she not been slinking around like a cat in the night, there would have been nothing for you to spy on.

Good luck, bro!

~Moog

MarkTwain

Yes, this is often how it goes. To wish it were different is to bang your head against a brick wall!

__________________
MT
See me on: www.marriagesatsang.com

Hummingburd

Dear Hail Mary,

I feel for you severely as I just went through and am still recovering through this emotionally with my husband and he blamed me and our constant fighting. He also told me that he wanted a divorce and that our marriage just wasn't fixable and beyond repair. I have been through soo much with this man, ex's court cases constantly, child support taking everything not leaving us at one point with enough money for food!!

After he said he wanted the divorce I felt pathetic having to bargain with him not to throw away nine years in a second and that I felt there had to be someone or something going on because it was just not like him. At the end of our conversation I asked him over an over if he would tell me if there was someone else and he said no over and over until the last time he finally said no he probably wouldn't. Crushed, I didn't know who he was anymore! I finally got him to agree the night he asked for the divorce that he would at least try for our family and all that we had built. He refused counseling so that was out of the question. He wouldn't say he loved me and would just say I know when I told him, killed me inside.

After he left me with that last comment that he would probably not tell me is when I got super suspicous! It was two days later after he said he would try that I noticed he had been leaving his work phone in his car and not bringing it in, so of course I began investigating. So he came home one day from work and went in to take a nap. I went and looked in his phone and noticed a number I did not recognize so wrote it down shaking and freaking out that my biggest fear had come true. I was too upset, I actually had a friend call and say is this so and so? And the brilliant broad actually gave her name so I had a name and proof.

When he woke I asked if he had any calls this afternoon and wondered to set my mind at ease if I could look at his phone. I went to get it and he darted after me and wouldn't let me see it, I asked for it and he said why, why, why it is his phone. I finally got him to pull up the call list and Hmmm whose number might that be? He said no body, then he started getting really po. I said I know you were talking to someone cause I already called the number and said the persons name. He turned white. I said this explains alot and then he proceeded to ask me if I wanted the truth and he laid it out there that it was a friend from work that he had been talking to for about a month suposedly right after one of our bad fights that sinched it for him. Made sense all the arguments and just how convenient this gal was separating from her spouse as well. She knew he was married when she started talking to him and honestly I will never get the whole true story because he refuses to talk and just gets angry. Yes, and of course he gave me the line he wasn't leaving me for this gal it was because of our marriage!

His excuse was that it was just a friend, just a friend but got even more angry when I told him that if we were going to work things through he could never talk to her again and stop whatever it really was that was going on. He gave her his number the same day he told me he wanted the divorce! His work phone none the less! He also spouted that what should he just get rid of his other friends also (all male), I said maybe if they have a romantic interest in you! I asked him to call her in front of me and he refused of course that she was at work. Poor person disturbing them to save your marriage! I gave him one last chance that he needed to fix it if he wanted to work things out and really try like he said he wanted to! Needless to say a day passed and he had done nothing so I came home from work and asked if he had taken care of it and he said he was going to. I told him not good enough to get the heck out. He left po to pick up our kids since i told him I came home to do it after I asked him to leave but he refused and took off angry. He came back even more upset and said that it was done and if I didn't believe that he had called to look at his phone! I did look and it was a brief call since thank God! the person was in a work meeting so there was no time for a lengthy conversation. He said he told her you can't call me anymore or talk to me because I am working things out with my wife!
Here I am Three month later and scared still that it will happen again and that he is just more carefull now about hiding it. I don't know how to let go of these horrible feelings and asking him for reassurance is not working because has been good for a little while then gets really upset when I ask if he is sure it is not going to happen again. I don't know what to do.....I want my life back and my security. I have never been this type of weak person but something inside me just kept pushing me to fight for my family. Now I am stuck with not knowing how to trust him again and not worry every time he walks out that door to go to work. I am making myself sick over it and it is affecting me physically. I have lost 25 pounds from not being able to eat and even though it is getting better I still have very bad days and don't know how to recover....thanks for sharing your story cause even though I am not glad that we are here for these ridiculous reasons it gives me a little relief that I am not alone...