Wife said I took too long to get over her emotional affair

HailMary · 03-10-2009, 11:01 PM

That was two months ago, when she said she wanted a divorce.

I had suspicious of the amount of contact she was having with her "friend". It was the gut feeling that something wasn't quite on the up and up.

This past November I spied on her online postings at an anonymous social network and found out that my suspicions were true.

Now at this point I wish I would have started to educate myself before confronting her, but after hearing "We're just friends" for so long I was livid.

When I confronted her she said that it had been over for months, but made me out to be the bad guy for spying on her and betraying HER trust.

She made me go out and buy myself books on control issues and self esteem. We should have just gone to counseling then. I thought that I had suggested it and that's when she convinced me I needed the books, I might be remembering wrong - I feel like such a chump "OK honey it was all my fault you chose to have an EA"

So the November and December roll by and the whole time I still am having trust issues. I wondered where she was if she came home a little late. I was suspicious when I thought she was too dressed up when she ran an errand. I'm sure it was annoying, and again I wish I would have thought to get us into counseling.

When ever it would come up she was always so irate that I couldn't just get over it.

It seemed like she kept getting more and more secretive. And then one day I came home and she was in the bathroom talking on her cell to somebody and when she came out I said "How's DUDE's NAME?!" and then she caught me looking through the cell records online.

That's when she said that she wanted a divorce and there was nothing I could do or say to change her mind and that counseling was out of the question.

She said that my suspicion had killed her love for me, and that though she still loved me, she wasn't in love with me anymore.

So, what should I have done when I found out?

And I used to say I was afraid she might find my posts and read them. Well, I wish she'd come here and read this one. These are things I am never able to say to her before I get shut down by how I STILL haven't gotten over it.

I would be willing to forgive her (I do forgive her) and trust her again if she would work with me in our relationship to where we had more open communication. She says she can never trust me again because of my spying.

Healing · 03-11-2009, 12:53 AM

Hi there. Your story is a very sad one.

I am not sure how she would expect you to "get over" her EA when she was never sorry for it. Instead she blamed you for all of her mistakes, and you accepted the blame.

You sound like a very nice guy, but you are being taken advantage of. She is not sorry for cheating, and to blame you for "spying" and "not getting over it" totally takes the cake!

Do you really love this woman when she treats you with no respect? Maybe it is not such a bad thing for you to take some time to really reflect on whether you want a relationship like this which is completely one-sided.

Don't EVER let a cheater blame you for their actions. Whatever relationship issues you may have had, she could have always chosen to work on them with you or get help. Instead she chose to lie and deceive you, and betray your trust.

HailMary · 03-11-2009, 07:34 AM

Thank you, that's how I feel too. I also wasn't in the right frame of mind at the time to actually discuss the situation rationally. If you read some of my other posts you can see what I mean.

I forgive her for what she did. I don't know what the EA was even about. There were feelings of more than friendship, but I don't know where that went.

My wife always had trouble saying sorry. She would do things to make up for what she had done when she knew she was wrong, but sorry was rarely uttered. Maybe there's some root there in this whole thing.

I forgive my wife for all of this, because I've known her for almost 16 years (married almost 13) and I know that for all the bad things I could say, they are outweighed by what's good and true in her.

I just wish she would have been willing to work through these problems WITH me.

revitalizedhusband · 03-11-2009, 07:36 AM

Your wife has major guilt for her EA and major issues with accepting responsibility/fault for her own actions.

She cheated, period, end of story.

It was not your fault for spying on her when you knew there was something wrong.

HailMary · 03-11-2009, 09:05 AM

I know I am not totally to blame here.

I feel that the EA was a symptom of our marital problems and lack of good communication.

I posted my story to ask if there was a better way that I should have handles it initially.

The way I handled it was not the best way.

When I first started to be suspicious, I signed up on the social networking site my wife was on (it's one you've heard of but not important to the story). I found the info about the EA, and made my own posts elsewhere asking for feedback about what I should do - I wish I would have found this board to post to back then. I was going to wait and see if it seemed like it was over or not, but I was convinced by people there to confront her before it progressed any further.

So a couple days later, we had just gone to bed and she could tell that something was eating at me. She asked what was wrong and I told her I had been reading her stuff and that I found out what was really going on. And that's what started the whole "You spied on my private stuff."

Now, this is going to sound crazy, but I can understand her side.

I wish that I had found out another way. The site she's on is like a anonymous journal site where you can post personal stories, blogs, poems, and get feedback, but the people on there don't know who you are. It's like some guy who posted last week after he read his wife's journal.

But that still doesn't forgive the reaction I got that belittled my own sense of betrayal.

I spied more after the divorce talk to figure out if there was something behind it all. the details are murky. There may be another online EA going on, but I think it started after the divorce bomb was dropped.

I let some of the info from the 2nd spying session slip one night and it was obvious that I'd been out there again, though I had told her I hadn't

Like I said. I have really put that EA behind me, but now she has a double layer of "I can never trust YOU again." She says that we are different people and she can see the difference between a EA and a PA, and I can't. Well, I can see the difference, but it's still a kick in the gut from somebody you've been married to fro 12 years and have had nothing but trust for.

revitalizedhusband · 03-11-2009, 09:59 AM

As a man there is a difference between an EA and a PA, no doubt, but like you said an EA is still like a kick in the balls.

You should tell her that her day to day actions led you to suspecting something was going on and you didn't want to confront her until you knew it was true. So yes, you had to go sign up for a website on the internet to do a little searching.

Tell her if she was open and honest and trustworthy with you in the first place that you wouldn't have been forced to snoop online.

She first broke the trust of your marriage with an online EA, did you break it some more with snooping? Maybe, but not nearly as much as her EA did.

HailMary · 03-11-2009, 10:22 AM

Well, that is sort of how I put it when I first confronted her. It didn't make any difference. I was still made to feel like I was the one who was the main betrayer of trust.

A couple of weeks ago I brought it up again, only to tell her that I was sorry that I spied on her private stuff, but that there is a big difference between privacy and secrecy.

And to this she said - "See, you're still not over it!"

Ted · 03-11-2009, 11:06 AM

I too spied on my wife once I found out she was flirting with guys on facebook. I didn't confront her right away, because I knew her problems with me contributed to it. We were losing intimacy and I could "regain" it, even artificially by "spying" on her and knowing what she was really thinking.

I wish I had confronted her immediately, because the EA was harder to break the longer I waited. But because of it, I also found out about her PA with a friend of ours several months before. She was guilt ridden, but since she couldn't/wouldn't confess to me, she looked for these online guys which perpetuated the emotional part of the infidelity.

I share all this, because I understand what you are going through, but I agree with RevitalizedHusband, it was her fault, not yours. She may be right, You may indeed have self-esteem problems. I know I do, which was why I waited so long to confront my wife. But Obviously she was the one looking outside of the marriage.

I also agree I think she is dealing with guilt and lack of responsibility. Cheating spouses often try to turn the blame on the other spouse for "spying" ESPECIALLY when the affair is still going on. I agree spying is never good, but it can never excuse their betrayal of vows.

I wanted to give you hope, because my wife and I are making progress, but this was after her coming clean, and taking responsibility.

I would suggest letting your wife know that if she wants a divorce, let it be for the real reasons. The underlying issues that led to the EA couldn't be worked out. (Because the fact of the matter is they probably can) But if the only reason she wants the divorce is that she is unwilling to be honest and admit to her part then she never even gave saving the marriage a shot. (Be prepared for the truth though , because you may find out things got physical too.)

Sorry I rambled so long. I hope there was at least one small piece of useful advice that can help you.

HailMary · 03-11-2009, 11:17 AM

Thank you Ted.

I really don't know what to say other than that. I think you hit the nail on the head though.

I really don't have an outlet for this right now. Any attempt at talking about our relationship is viewed as an attempt at reconciliation, and for her, that's out of the question.

P.S. that wasn't a ramble, trust me

CPT CONFUSED · 03-11-2009, 11:55 AM

hail when you get over it is when you get over it my friend on your terms not on hers. shes got some huge balls telling you that its your fault never feel bad about what you found ever! she is the one that decevied you and your trust.now its time for her to face the bed she chose to make and lie in. keep your head up and dont let her bring you down.

CPT

CPT CONFUSED · 03-11-2009, 12:02 PM

and i know this is going to be hard but if she doesnt want to work on your marraige honeslty and be truthfull kick her ass out of the house and let her see what its like to live by herself without you.then maybe she will open her eyes a little but be prepared you may not like the results but at this point what else do you have to lose?

CPT

Ted · 03-11-2009, 12:07 PM

I don't know if this will make a difference because she is so unwilling. But I know my wife saw hope when she saw me fighting for our marriage.

You said that she thinks you have self esteem problems. I may be reading too much of my own issues in yours, but I've read several other posts on this site talking about how some women are turned off because their man is a doormat or spineless. I know I appeased my wife and made her be the leader.

I would suggest, letting her know, at least one last time. Something like this:

"You may have given up on us. But I love you. I want to be married to you, and I will fight for you. I will give my all to make this work.

If you still want to divorce, it will be because you gave up. If you want a divorce because you'd rather be with another man, at least be woman enough to admit it. If you want to give up because you can't bear me knowing all the details of the EA, do you think it could really hurt worse than losing you forever. If you want to give up because you think we can never work out the issues that caused this, at least give me a chance.

I'm willing to fight for you. I love you. But I have to know the truth. We can't pretend anymore."

If you could say this, or something like this, and really mean it. Then I think she would at least know you have a spine. Even if she still won't accept reconciliation.

I feel for you and will be praying for you.

PS. A book my wife and I found helpful was Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It deals with physical affairs, but I think there is a lot in it that would help you too.

HailMary · 03-11-2009, 12:23 PM

Thanks again Ted.

This is exactly how I feel. I may be able to say something like this eventually, but not right now.

When I bring up any feelings that somebody else might be in the mix of our problems, she tells me I just can't accept the fact that it was us that screwed up our marriage. She's said that it just shows how little I trust her and why would I even be married to somebody I can't trust. She has an answer for everything my friend. After a while, arguing just doesn't get anywhere.

And I HAVE been fighting for our marriage in the only way available. Read some of my other posts. I've been going to counseling to better myself, not for my wife, but for me. My wife and I are able to communicate better than we ever have in the history of our marriage, as long as it doesn't verge on relationship talk.

So right now, I'm taking a vacation on confrontation.

I need to make space for myself. I need to work on me, for me and my son and for whatever my future holds, because she has made it painfully clear that she is not willing to come an inch my way and try to work on our problems. I need to distance myself from this whole thing in my head, which is really pretty difficult when you are still living together (financial reasons).

And CPT,

If my son wasn't involved here, a lot of this would be handled differently.

CPT CONFUSED · 03-11-2009, 08:00 PM

hail i know where you are comming from 100% please when you have some free time read some of my posts ive been going through the exact same senario you have just a little bit longer i have a 4 year old son who is autistic he is the world to me but you cannot change how your wife feels you have to let her make that decsion herself mine has moved in with the boyfriend she was screwing before she left me andi chased my wife for almost 6 months and got nowhere ive since backed away from her and ive let her continue to **** up her own life while sheilding my son from as much as possible and making sure he is cared for properly. take care of yourself hail and your son let her sink into her own pit of **** she wil wake up at some point you have to let her know you are not going to be her whipping post please hail read some of my story with an open mind and you will see now why i suggest the harsh measures i do to you i hope your doing well or the best you can at this point and you and your son are in my prayers.

CPT

1nurse · 03-11-2009, 08:22 PM

So sorry to hear about the difficulties your having with your wife. My soon to be ex husband also had an emotional affair with a co-worker. During marriage councelling he kept telling the psychologist "there's nothing wrong with our marriage it's everything else." He also hated the fact I kept bringing up the "friendship" with this woman. My problem was there was no resolution to the situation. He also kept telling me to "get over it." Never has taken responsibility for any actions on his part. I guess emotional affairs are running rampant these days. Everyone else has given you great advice. I just wanted to let you know I feel for you and you're in my thoughts and prayers. Take Care.