Don't you think I already feel bad enough about this? - Page 2
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Don't you think I already feel bad enough about this?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree9Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 04-26-2012, 06:34 PM   #16 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,133
Default Re: Don't you think I already feel bad enough about this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ParachuteOn View Post
And it was amateur cams, not pros, so I guess that's what led me to think it wasn't fantasy anymore, but getting all to close to happening in real life....

don't know what difference it makes.

but its like AFF, people hooking up for no strings sex. I guess it really doesn't matter
Amateur, professional, it doesn't matter. Its all fantasy and not real life. That's why he can't deal with real life anymore. He's addicted to the fantasy life. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Beowulf is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-26-2012, 08:54 PM   #17 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,147
Default Re: Don't you think I already feel bad enough about this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beowulf View Post
I still think he is addicted. I'm sorry but that's been my feeling from the start.
As you probably figured out, I think so too.


And again, I think the counselor needs to be trained in sex / porn addiction. And frankly, they are trained in infidelity in general, because they are all escapist behaviors on a sliding scale.
iheartlife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-27-2012, 09:59 AM   #18 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 345
Default Re: Don't you think I already feel bad enough about this?

It sounds like porn addiction. I have been reading up on the progression of it on the internet, as I suspect my ex also might have the same problem. He just spent 4K in 4 months on his video phone... It could start as just a kick, and then go into harder stuff, camcorders. If that's the case, then your H is very into this. I had this issue 6 years ago when I found porn on my computer. When I confronted my H, he said he was glad I found it, because he just couldn't stop. I remember right before I found out, our sex life dwindled and he used to look at me funny. That in itself was strange, because I do have a great body (that's what people told me, you know what I mean...). That stuff is hard to beat. It seems to be a coping strategy in regards to stress. Then there is the whole thing of self validation, especially in musicians as you know. They need to be adored, even if it's fake. Let me know how it pans out.
Honeystly is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-27-2012, 12:59 PM   #19 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 114
Default Re: Don't you think I already feel bad enough about this?

Well, thanks to everybody, really.....the support has been a lifesaver for me.....not so much for the marriage, though...

I just can't do it anymore. He came home last night like nothing was wrong. No response to my letter. He went to get something for dinner and brought it home. We made small talk about American Idol, then I asked him if he read my note. He said yes and then changed the subject. So I gave up, asked him for money so I could have bus fare and figure out where I was going to go.

He gave me 260 that he borrowed from DD to give back to her, and four dollars for myself. (this is enough bus fare for 2 trips in my city) We got into it. He said he has tried everything and all I want to do is talk about problems and fight. I started yelling, "I don't even know how long this has been going on!!!" And he said, .........wait for it.....A YEAR. (He admitted to a couple months up until this moment.)

Started his usual "Why don't you just calm down" routine .....delivered, as usual, with a smirk. Then he walked out of the room!! GGGrrrrrrrrrr. I followed him and was LIVID... "You have been cheating for a YEAR??!!!" And off to the races.

I was crying and yelling and getting in his face, he was doing his usual disrespectful crap. It was horrible, absolutely a nightmare, just like all our other fights. He kept telling me to shut up and calm down, so of course, like a child, I yelled even louder, yelled at the top of my lungs.

I know, I know, I should have never done this, I know it was bad. He ended up putting me back in my place (yes, physically, told me to stop walking around the house trying to be dominant, broke the door off the hinges to the library-where I sleep, and this morning left without a word.

Its finally at rock bottom. Its over. I don't know why I am crying, but I am. I should just leave now that he is at work. But I lose my whole life and all my heirlooms, the baby cradle my Grandmother made that has been through 3 generations, my pianos, irreplaceable stuff. I've already lost so much. My heart is broken all over again.

Betrayed spouse never leaves. How in the world can I stand up for anything like that? He has all the money, I have nothing but this house and everything in it.
ParachuteOn is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-27-2012, 01:07 PM   #20 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 114
Default Re: Don't you think I already feel bad enough about this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Honeystly View Post
It sounds like porn addiction. I have been reading up on the progression of it on the internet, as I suspect my ex also might have the same problem. He just spent 4K in 4 months on his video phone... It could start as just a kick, and then go into harder stuff, camcorders. If that's the case, then your H is very into this. I had this issue 6 years ago when I found porn on my computer. When I confronted my H, he said he was glad I found it, because he just couldn't stop. I remember right before I found out, our sex life dwindled and he used to look at me funny. That in itself was strange, because I do have a great body (that's what people told me, you know what I mean...). That stuff is hard to beat. It seems to be a coping strategy in regards to stress. Then there is the whole thing of self validation, especially in musicians as you know. They need to be adored, even if it's fake. Let me know how it pans out.
OMG, too bad we don't live in the same part of the world, we could join forces and get a big house together and call it "Recovering Music Wives Club"
ParachuteOn is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-27-2012, 02:09 PM   #21 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,147
Default Re: Don't you think I already feel bad enough about this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ParachuteOn View Post
I started yelling, "I don't even know how long this has been going on!!!" And he said, .........wait for it.....A YEAR. (He admitted to a couple months up until this moment.)

Started his usual "Why don't you just calm down" routine .....delivered, as usual, with a smirk. Then he walked out of the room!! GGGrrrrrrrrrr. I followed him and was LIVID... "You have been cheating for a YEAR??!!!" And off to the races.

I was crying and yelling and getting in his face, he was doing his usual disrespectful crap. It was horrible, absolutely a nightmare, just like all our other fights.
The sad thing is, WSs never 'get it': that we need to hear the whole story first thing, front and center. So many of them think that they are still in control once the cat is out of the bag. That they can manage the information and minimize the damage.

They think if their bad behavior stopped on DD, then it's over and recovery can start. They just DON'T GET the essence of an affair is secrets and lies.

So what do they go and do? KEEP ON TELLING LIES.

There is their marriage, gasping for its last breath, and they just can't resist stamping on it one more time for good measure.

I see in your husband, however, ZERO regret. His smirk makes me think he finds it all vaguely amusing. As if you are under his thumb and there's nothing you can do about it. At this late date HE is never going to hit rock bottom. Which means it is sadly time to kick his sorry ***out.

I am sorry I'm not familiar with all your threads. Have you obtained legal counseling? Perhaps a lot of your fear regarding finances and things is just that, fear, and a lawyer can put things in a more accurate perspective so you know what your choices are.

I am so very sorry.
iheartlife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-27-2012, 02:18 PM   #22 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Southeast
Posts: 1,405
Default Re: Don't you think I already feel bad enough about this?

I agree with the immediate need for you to seek legal counsel.

At least in my state, anything that you came to the marriage with or inherited from your family during your marriage, belongs to you alone in the case of a divorce. There may very well be a way for you to have him move out while you keep all of your family things. Only a local attorney can tell you what your real options are.
Rowan is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-27-2012, 06:21 PM   #23 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 114
Default Re: Don't you think I already feel bad enough about this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by iheartlife View Post
The sad thing is, WSs never 'get it': that we need to hear the whole story first thing, front and center. So many of them think that they are still in control once the cat is out of the bag. That they can manage the information and minimize the damage.

They think if their bad behavior stopped on DD, then it's over and recovery can start. They just DON'T GET the essence of an affair is secrets and lies.

So what do they go and do? KEEP ON TELLING LIES.

There is their marriage, gasping for its last breath, and they just can't resist stamping on it one more time for good measure.

I see in your husband, however, ZERO regret. His smirk makes me think he finds it all vaguely amusing. As if you are under his thumb and there's nothing you can do about it. At this late date HE is never going to hit rock bottom. Which means it is sadly time to kick his sorry ***out.

I am sorry I'm not familiar with all your threads. Have you obtained legal counseling? Perhaps a lot of your fear regarding finances and things is just that, fear, and a lawyer can put things in a more accurate perspective so you know what your choices are.

I am so very sorry.
He has reget, on the days I am not angry..... And there is no kicking him out.....He just says he doesn't have to leave and then walks away. If I push it he will just laugh and say "I'd like to see you make me, and then, that's right, you guessed it, walks away.

He isn't always like this, just when he thinks he's "dealt with it". He'll just announce "end of story". He can be very stubborn.

The problem now is, I just can't take it, I feel betrayed, I am triggering badly because of past sexual abuse. He has helped me through this in the past, and now is treating me the same way, except now, the perpetrator is HIM and not my father.

I don't even know what's normal anymore. I have been on many different treatments and have a very bad reaction to those type of drugs. I have been able to manage it on my own for a long time, and this whole thing is about to put me back into the hospital.
ParachuteOn is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-27-2012, 06:56 PM   #24 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,147
Default Re: Don't you think I already feel bad enough about this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ParachuteOn View Post
He has reget, on the days I am not angry..... And there is no kicking him out.....He just says he doesn't have to leave and then walks away. If I push it he will just laugh and say "I'd like to see you make me, and then, that's right, you guessed it, walks away.

He isn't always like this, just when he thinks he's "dealt with it". He'll just announce "end of story". He can be very stubborn.
I just could not be with someone who did this--basically, kicked me when I was down. Infidelity is bad enough, this is almost worse to me. I would see it as an effort to control and manipulate me and it would turn all of my love to disgust and scorn. My self-worth would not allow it. I would do anything I could to find a way to get away from such a person.

I hope you visit an attorney and learn precisely what your rights are. You don't have to act on it. But I still see that fear that you will lose it all to be driving your choices. I think you will find out that at least some of those fears are unfounded and it will give you strength to believe you have alternatives.
iheartlife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-27-2012, 07:41 PM   #25 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,133
Default Re: Don't you think I already feel bad enough about this?

If he got physical and broke a door then he would indeed have to leave. Did he physically hurt you. If so you need to seek help. There is no way he should lay a hand on you or threaten you. I'm a tad (okay more than a tad) concerned for your safety.
Beowulf is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-27-2012, 09:45 PM   #26 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 114
Default

[QUOTE=Beowulf;708309]If he got physical and broke a door then he would indeed have to leave. Did he
Posted via Mobile Device
ParachuteOn is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-27-2012, 09:47 PM   #27 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 114
Default

Thanks b I am ok
Posted via Mobile Device
ParachuteOn is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-27-2012, 11:52 PM   #28 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 114
Default Re: Don't you think I already feel bad enough about this?

No, actually its me that flips out and he usually doesn't. He is mean with words and attitude, mostly.

When I got upset I threw the pc in the trash, things like that. Bang on the door when he locks me out of the master bedroom....... Its not one sided, not at all.

I do feel controlled though, financially and like I have no say over anything if he is upset.

I really wish I could find the way out of the cave.

All I know is now it is just about our fighting, and the real problem (his lies and betrayal) have fallen by the wayside, and won't get addressed at all now.
ParachuteOn is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-27-2012, 11:54 PM   #29 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 42
Default Re: Don't you think I already feel bad enough about this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ParachuteOn View Post
He has only admitted to what I found and not one ounce more.
That says it all. Nothing left for you here.
profos is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-28-2012, 02:57 AM   #30 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 114
Default Re: Don't you think I already feel bad enough about this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by profos View Post
That says it all. Nothing left for you here.
He says he understands, as in, "yeah ---if you were doing this while i am at work, i would be pi$$ed and feel it was a betrayal of our vows"---then he goes back to saying, "you are ending our marriage over a web page??!"

It's not even porn, c'mon! Its girls with their youknowwhats on cam live for free because they want to hook up! Good Lord. Do I really have to start over? Its so exhausting.....

Now we are back to the silent treatment and I used to be hurt by this, now I am just happy to have the peace and quiet.
ParachuteOn is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
ever feel like life isn't going how you planned...feel free to dump here! swimmin Physical & Mental Health Issues 7 03-22-2011 03:40 PM
Confused, Husband told me he doesnt feel the way he used to feel. emptyandconfused The Ladies' Lounge 16 11-07-2010 03:35 PM
I feel like I have wasted 25 years of my life hoping to feel real love. mona lisa smile Considering Divorce or Separation 3 08-31-2010 04:51 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:16 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.