Honeystly

What I'm not sure I understand is the bit where he tells you that you can't make him leave. I would ask a lawyer about that. In separation somebody has to go. Find out what your rights are, you know? That sounds so torturous. My ex stayed for a week after we separated and before he moved out and I wanted to slash my wrists. Nothing worse than the silent treatment. It is my ex's secret weapon. I find it agonising. I say, find out how you can boot him out. You deserve peace.

iheartlife

We all know it isn't about a web page.

It's about how he doesn't think he did anything wrong.

He is likely addicted and will never be able to stop without help.

But let's pretend it's not an addiction. It's clear HE doesn't want to stop, because he values having fun, and engaging in his little habit, far, far more than he values respecting you.

I have a question for you. When are you going to hit rock bottom? Not him--he's apparently a lost cause from all you've said.

But what about you?


Where is your self-love and self-respect?

You have created your own imaginary world where living without him means poverty and a loss of your inherited things. As has already been pointed out, you have chosen not to find out whether or not these fears are real, or just a fantasy.

Again, what is your rock bottom?

ParachuteOn

I know what you are saying, iheartlife, I really appriciate the time you have taken to understand my story. I have asked myself this question also.

I have overcome a lot in life. I have 2 degrees and make more money than him when I work. I don't think my leaving will mean poverty. I do feel that if I left, he may do something vindictive, like get rid of my family things, because he knows I can replace everything else.

I quit working when we married because I wanted to be home with my daughter. She needed focus and guidance to finish school. Now she is out of the house in her first year of college. She is doing very well, and I think that is when all this started, when it was just the two of us again.

I was going to end it about 5 1/2 years ago, when we had a HUGE blowup. I was having back problems and at the dr. visit, found out I was pregnant. I had always wanted another child. He was so apologetic and did everything to fix our marriage. We stayed together and he helped with everything, went to all my appointments with me, was a doting, expectant dad.

Well around the 6th month I had a fetal demise. It was a tragic and sad time, I fell into deep depression and he took care of me, but had a few drinking bouts that were scary.....I chalked it up to him dealing with the death of the baby.....There were 2 more family deaths at the time....I started to think the place we were living in had some kind of curse....so I found the house we now live in, and we moved far away from that place.

My husband has been through hell and back with me. And he feels that he has not cheated, but has betrayed his vow. He said he has never been with anyone else and truly doesn't understand why we cant just move on.

But I don't feel the same. I feel like this time is different, because he destroyed the hard drive when I found out. I feel like we can't solve anything because he wont budge. My feeling is that it is because it is all a lie----and thats why he wont delve deeper and only repeats the Official Story.

In any case, I am sure that I am having a hard time ending it because, to be honest, finding out all this stuff has been horrible but strangely good at the same time. Because of my childhood, I was actually RELIEVED that his secret sex life was with age-appropriate women, it makes me trust him in a way I would have never been able to! Now hows that for mixed-up!!??

Sorry this just came spilling over.

ParachuteOn

But let's pretend it's not an addiction. It's clear HE doesn't want to stop, because he values having fun, and engaging in his little habit, far, far more than he values respecting you.


Ok, iheart, this is a good one. Really good, actually.

Trouble is, he really thinks he IS respecting the marriage by doing this instead of things like "actual" cheating.

iheartlife

That is where you get away from the sex stuff.

You have to see it's not about the sex stuff, that is a red herring. It is tricking you and preventing you from focusing on what is important. You are looking off in the direction of live cam sex girls, but that really isn't the issue. Really, it's not!




It's about respect--a level of respect that every spouse has reason to expect from their life partner.

Let's say every week he took one of your heirlooms and chopped it up and burned it for firewood.

How long would your marriage last then?

What I'm trying to point out is that this is what he has done. Piece by piece, lie by lie, he has stolen away your self confidence, your legitimate marital boundaries, even a great deal of your love for him. And then he's chopped them up and burned them right in front of you.

A loving spouse will understand that there are certain things they have to compromise and give up--that this is part of marriage.

This is a core lesson he has never understood. He is never going to "get it" without marital counseling. (He might not "get it" then either, but he doesn't have a prayer without it.)

moxy

You're not the only one facing this, so don't feel alone. I'm sorry for what you're going through. It does indeed suck!

Guys that get stuck in fantasy and then insist that it isn't part of the real world are just holding on the delusion; until they give that up, nothing will change. The hardest part is realizing you can't change this no matter how much you love him.

__________________
"He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

"“We first crush people to the earth, & then claim the right of trampling on them forever, because they are prostrate." -Lydia Maria Child.

ParachuteOn

I know, I know, he is just giving me more crap. I know.

Today he says, "I will not discuss it again! I am tired of getting b!tched out about cam girls, I am Done! Every weekend?, I am done with this! I said I would work it out with you, I said I am sorry, I said I was wrong, and that is enough! If you don't want to move forward from here? Then Leave me alone! Dont talk to me anymore about this!"

There you go. Then He left.

I said its ok ---why dont you leave if you are done with me? You have money and it would be easy for you....why stay and make demands on me?? I am not stopping you.....there is the door ---you are free!!!

His reply??

"I don't have to. Stop trying to boss me around."

Bleh..... he is gone, running errands.....I know my only choice now? Is to stay quiet and not speak when he comes home.....So I think I will just play piano in the music room and think about where I can go. What friends I can stay with, etc,

I just think its CRAZY that he is still here bossing ME around!! This is our marital home!! I am not lying and cheating! Good Lord. Who lies to your face, breaks their vows and then STAYS issuing demands??

Such ridiculousness.

iheartlife

I am saying this to you, betrayed wife to betrayed wife. There is one more thing that's even more ridiculous, and you know what it is: lying down and taking it by staying there and not getting a firm idea of what your alternatives are. Your concrete alternatives might scare the sh** out of him and force him into counseling. Or they may open up a new world for you, free from this person who mistreats you so.

ParachuteOn

Thank you so much iheartlife and everyone...thank you for your honest and respectful reply. I am thinking hard about your heartfelt posts to me.

ParachuteOn

Waking up and there is only quiet and birds outside.

Fixed the door to the library and locked myself in around 3pm yesterday, fell asleep in all my comfy blankets and slept for a LONG time.

I was thinking that now the silent treatment will be in full force for quite a while...why not just go with it? I have lots to do. Should really go through the things in the attic, organize everything, see what all is really up there with the family stuff. I need to do this in the basement also...Maybe a garage sale when I'm done?

I have cried and fought with him over being ignored in my own house, even made it my #1 thing I needed for R = No More Silent Treatment. Well, I guess its no surprise he would agree to that and then not do it.

Why not start enjoying it? Its better than hearing him yell about how yelling is wrong. And I just might be able to get done what I have long needed to....

ParachuteOn

Silent treatment extraordinaire! My favorite is when he actually stays home from work to ignore me! LOLS -- What's the point of that?? He is playing lose-lose all the way.

I finally get it. It isn't the other women at all. Its the disrespect, the contempt. That's what all cheating is based on, isn't it?

ParachuteOn

Now that I have actually been thinking of selling things so I can move, my H has said he is taking the day aff of work because we need to "work things out". Bleh. Why does thins happen when I give up? Why does he do this when I have had enough and am ready to get out? It seems glaringly obvious that he always wants what he can't have. We haven't been on the same page for longer than a few days at a time ever since dday.