Not sure how to move forward after finding out my husband had an affair during the process of us working on our marriage. At the time of our vowel renewal he was still denying the truth. Now in Feb. i find out the truth of a brutal sexual affair..the low was having sex in my house while my kids were in their rooms. What kind of monster would do that. He wants me to give him six months before i file. Most days i can't stop crying, get out of bed. the sad part is I have so much going for me and I feel like I am failing my boys.
You need to do what you feel is best for you and your children, I just told my wife this last week that I agree that we should get a divorce and asked her when she was leaving? I told her that I love her very much and in fact I love her so much that I am letting her go. She left on Monday and you know what? It puts a little closure on it! It gets better every single day. Just do whats best for you and your family.
he wants to work on it for six months..but every time i walk in my room and house i start crying, i am so emotional. It is so hard to give up 15 years. The past two years he stopped hanging out in night clubs, and never goes out with friends...i see his progress in that area but he does not think we need counseling. Why didn't he respect me enough just to tell me the truth before our vowel renewal. Now looking back it means nothing. WHY?
Why does he say he does not want to go into counseling? My wife said the say thing to me when she had her EA in 2010. I went and my IC told me that my wife would do it again and if the guy was local it would be a PA. Less then a year later my IC was right. My WS did not want to go to counseling because it would have stopped her fantasy life (IMO). We talked about it a dozen times about what my IC told me and she said it would not happen. It did.
You need to dictate what he does in order for your healing. If six months works for you then you tell him what he needs to do during this time. If he does not agree then move on.
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This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
That is what i am afraid of. He said he get counseling with beers and 9-holes. Putting the house up for sale, he asked me to move out, i told him hell no! He can move out he had the affair...I told him i didn't love him anymore, so not true...I really do. Never thought i would become a statistic. When does the pain stop. He is all I have known. My heart hurts today!
It looks like you need to see a lawyer right away. Have you exposed his affiar?
Get to the Doctor as soon as you can an get checked for STD's
If he is not going to go to MC you need to get yourself into IC as quick as you can.
I read a fantasy story my wife wrote to the POSM but she did not have sex or him in our house. Your kids were there ouch. Stay strong for the kids. Expose that affiar to his family, friends and the OW's family friends and so on
Sweetie, working on a marriage for 6 months does not mean he has an addition 6 months to do as he pleases in your own home and to rub your nose in it. Counseling does not equate to playing golf and drinking beer, those are called hobbies and working on a marriage for 6 months doesn't mean he can use those as an excuse to walk away from serious issues he created in order to hide in his hobbies under the label of 'counseling.'
Why do you feel empty and worthless? It's because you are listening to him, he is talking, only he doesn't use words, and your spirit which is strong has lent its ears to what he is saying nonverbally because your spirit is listening for hope, and in listening for hope it has opened itself wide open to 'words' of abuse, neglect and control and power that he doesn't deserve.
I can't believe you'd want to stay in a house in which he has acted that way. He has soiled the house primarily because he knows you will want it, and he wants the memory of what he has done to stick with you if you 'win' the house. In children with the kind of personality problems your husband has, they smear their feces on the walls, and they know their mommies are going to get all worked up about it and can't just put them out on the street, because they have an obligation. Pretty much that is what he is doing. He secured an obligation of 6 months out of your sweet, honest self that would honor such an obligation and now he is doing the equivalent of feces smearing.
GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO WALK AWAY FROM YOUR BARGAIN.
If he says it's your fault that the marriage failed because you didn't honor the whole six months, say that honor is the key word, he did not honor the spirit of the obligation, instead he won on a technicality. That's a dirty way to win, tell him so and let him 'win', he's a better person than you because he stuck to the 6 months. WooWee. I mean, do you really believe that? Of course he will tell people that you renegged on the 6 month agreement and make you look bad or try to, but you know what, he is going to do that anyway!
I gave my husband a second chance, he didn't deserve it, he did the same things more or less what your husband did. When I tried to discuss issues reasonably with him, not accusing but focusing only on how I felt and not being judgemental but asking him to honor the way I felt to give me information, he entered into an argument where the only way he could 'win' was to suggest that we get divorced. At that point, I agreed, and I let him 'win'. You can't be married to someone who doesn't want to be on your side, and always has to be one-uppping you to have the balance of the power in the relationship. A man who will not honor your emotions, is a worthless man. He probably wants to keep you because he can tweak you to look like a whining b*tch, and this is the way he gains the sympathy of other woman, who don't mind scr*wing him because after all he is in a marriage where his wife doesn't 'love him' and 'wants' a divorce because she doesn't want him to play golf or go out and drink beer. If your husband was a movie director, he would be a very wealthy man with that kind of talent. Instead, he choreographs his pathetic little world playing on people's most valued desires and emotions, in order to obtain power and control and gratification, because he can. It is an addiction, and playing the game only feeds into it and makes him want more.
If you are in a toxic relationship, think of the relationship, not the other party. You can certainly gaine 100% control over the relationship by choosing not to participate in it, not fighting over the house, not fighting over money, not fighting over anything but letting the court decide 100% what happens based on information the court asks for. It's called a walkaway and it is really the best protection in this kind of situation.
No, he hasn't beat you up. But he has done a whole lot worse without lifting a finger. Just by reading your post, I felt immensely battered. I am pretty sure my ex-H had sex in my car the day he took it to work to wash it...you know what I did? I traded it in immediately upon filing for divorce. :-) So much for his satisfaction in soiling my car, he won't have the pleasure of thinking about me riding in it, he will remember being foiled and being cut off from the pleasure he wanted in having that power over me. I asked for nothing in the divorce...so he doesn't have the satisfaction of 'winning'. He gave me some benefits for school, but I already finished a year, if he cuts them off I have the option of increasing work I do from home and staying in school because I have a back-up scholarship and besides with kids if I end up in a crisis situation I can get state aid to pay rent until I find a job if I need to do that. Honestly, I am more or less abuse-proof. Now he is like a little buzzing mosquito that I can let fly around me...no harm done so he bites I will survive.
You are definitely a battered spouse. You're not physically damaged but definitely much much worse. You need to get to a safe place before he has the opportunity to push you over the edge. The amount of abuse he has put on your plate is severe and overwhelming. I'm amazed you can even get online and post about it. It sounds like maybe you are in denial, because to accept the assessment of what he has done is going to be overwhelming. But honestly, you can walk away from it. And the minute you strart taking care of yourself, it is going to become a lot more clear and a lot more easy.
That is what i am afraid of. He said he get counseling with beers and 9-holes. Putting the house up for sale, he asked me to move out, i told him hell no! He can move out he had the affair...I told him i didn't love him anymore, so not true...I really do. Never thought i would become a statistic. When does the pain stop. He is all I have known. My heart hurts today!
The reason he won't go to counseling is that he does not want to face the underlying issues from his unfaithfulness. The Why's. Nor does he want to fully confront how much he's hurt you.
And I say, if he's such a coward, he doesn't deserve you. It's such a small thing compared to what he did--it is the very least you can do.
If you go to MC--and that is a very big IF--be sure and choose a counselor who is educated in infidelity. I found our very good MC by contacting a local group of sex / porn / infidelity addiction counselors. We didn't go to them, but they gave us the referral.
Marriages have recovered from worse. But only you can know what you can withstand. You have to be strong for your children. You have to set the very best example to them of how to choose a spouse and how to stand up to someone who hurts you so profoundly. That may, in the end, require a divorce. The process cannot be done overnight and can be delayed / stalled / revoked as you see fit.
Are YOU in individual counseling (IC)? Are you on anti-depressants? Your mood--which sounds like self-blame and low-self-esteem, instead of the furious anger I at least would feel--suggests that you need this very much to face the tough choices you have ahead of you.
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Why do I feel empty and worthless? 
