My H had what I thought was an EA with a woman who, at the time, was my best friend. He swore they were not physically involved - and like a fool, I believed him. I endured this for 3 years - and the stress took its toll. I suffered heart palpitations that I still have meds to control, lost all of my hair (which thankfully did grow back), and developed migraines which still require medication and semi-annual neurological screening. By the time he ended it, I was a mess ... but I survived.
Suddenly, last August, I had an abnormal pap and was diagnosed with HPV - which I didn't have before. I suspected he might be wandering again, but could find no proof except that I had caught him having phone sex with someone (which was weird) - but he claimed it was one of those 900 numbers. He was embarrassed - and apologized - and I let it go.
Then in January, I had genital warts and another abnormal pap. Not knowing how I could have contracted either (I've not been with anyone but him), I point blank asked him if I could have gotten it from him ... he answered "yes". He had had sex with my EX-best friend during the three year period that they were seeing each other - plus, he admitted there had been another woman he was involved with around the same time whose name was Kathy, but he couldn't (or wouldn't) tell me her last name.
I'm not sure which is more difficult right now - dealing with the knowledge that he was sleeping with two other women (or more) or dealing with the fact that he lied about it and let me believe that lie for ten years.
To add insult to injury, he claims he knows how badly he screwed up, how much he hurt me, etc. and that he loves me - but treats me like I have the plague. No intimacy, no reassurance, nothing ... I feel like I have a roommate instead of a husband.
I'm feeling angry, betrayed, used, useless, damaged, insecure, etc. - and part of me wants to pack my bags and run - but, I'm 54 - we've been married for almost 34 years - have two great adult children and two beautiful grandchildren. My family means the world to me ... and leaving my husband would destroy them. How can I stop hurting without hurting them?
Guess I'm learning the hard way that you don't have to be alone to be lonely - any advice?
It sounds like you want out. I think it would hurt your children to know that you are suffering through this. I bet they would support your choice to think of yourself. They will be hurt by what their father has done, maybe they know and wish you would do something about it. They are grown and have their own families, but they will be their for you. Posted via Mobile Device
You may be right - but I don't relish the idea of starting over at 54 years old - especially with the baggage I have to carry now. Financially I could make it - I own my own small business - but would be without benefits (which are through my husbands employer).
I'm sure that my kids would understand - but it would be so painful to tell them - he's been a good Dad and I don't want them to end up hating him for what he's done to me.
How do you separate the two? Explain that what he's done he didn't do to them? Will they understand or accept that?
Several years ... but my doc says I could have contracted the HPV at any time. The genital warts I'm not so sure about - from what I've read, these usually show up within 3 months of contact - so I'm baffled.
I guess you would just have to look at it that it would be his job to maintain his relationship with the kids. You can tell them how you feel about him as a dad and they'll make their own peace with him or not. I don't really have a basis of experience to relate, so I can only say what makes sense to me. Posted via Mobile Device
I tested positive for HPV in 2008, right around the time I thought my husband was having an affair with a coworker. At that point we had been married for 13 years and I had been faithful. He denied anything for almost 4 years. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and threatened him with a polygraph. He finally came out and said he had received a drunken BJ from a model they had used on a business trip back in 2003. So I was lied to for 10 years. He claims he never touched the coworker and the only way I could have gotten HPV was from the BJ. I still feel I have no closure on the HPV cause that would mean I was carrying it for 5 years and got it from a BJ?!? (She had just had intercourse with his buddy, though. Gross, I know.) Everything I read says you usually clear it within 2 years. Sure enough, in 2009 I tested negative. I had never had any abnormal paps, just the one positive test. It drives me crazy, I have spoken with several doctors and they all give me the run around. I guess I'll never know how I really contracted it. Hugs, I feel your pain!
So he did this ten years ago and hasn't done anything since? I'm trying to figure out if he smartened up ten years ago, or if he's still acting out. When was he doing the phone sex thing?
Not that I know of - but I'm not very trusting for obvious reasons. He did connect with a wonderful friend (male) who was instrumental in getting him back on track - helped him revisit hits roots, religion, and realize what was important in life. Then, that friend died of a massive heart attack four years ago - which was devastating.
The phone sex thing happened last summer - when I caught him I simply asked, "who's on the phone" ... took him by surprise, and I'm not sure if he was telling the truth or another lie.
You need to expose him and the affair partners to their husbands. Posted via Mobile Device
The husband of the woman who was my friend knows. I don't know if the other woman was married or not - and I don't even know her last name - which he claims he doesn't either, though I suspect this is another lie.