So I am going to try to present just the facts here and hopefully someone will be able to help me. About a month and a half ago I discovered that my wife was sending dirty text and pictures to a guy at work. I had known all along that she was flirting with this guy and I was ok with that, that is just who my wife is. I just didn't know how far it had gotten. Here is how I discovered what was going on. She gets a job around November of last year and quickly makes friends with several of her coworkers. This guy is one of them. At first it was just harmless flirting but after awhile (I do not know how long) it started getting more serious. Pretty soon they were sending dirty text and pics back and forth. This went on for who knows how long, yet as far as I know there was no physical contact. (That is what I have been told at least) And then about a month and a half ago my wife gets drunk and starts texting him like normal. At this point I have started to get a little suspicious and ask her later who she was texting. She says it was just one of her friends and changes the subject. I then go onto her phone and she has received a message from this guy basically making it sound like they have been talking for a while, yet all the other text have been deleted. I then confront her about this and she denies everything for a while but eventually says yes she was texting him but nothing really happened. Fast forward a week later and we have another fight, basically about the same thing. She assures me that nothing is going on and eventually we make up. Fast forward another week and here we are again. She is still talking to him, still flirting with him, still making me feel like crap. I confront her again and this time she admits that there was something going on but it is over now. Yes she sent him dirty text but she never sent him dirty pics and no there was nothing physical going on. I believed her and assumed that it was all going to work out. Fast forward a few days later, she is still talking to him and I still feel like I cant trust her. I decide to go into her phone and see her deleted text. I don't find any text but I do find dirty pics, which she swears she has never sent to him. I confront her about these and finally she admits to more. Yes she sent him dirty pics, yes she is still flirting with him, yes she has feelings for him. Well somehow we make up from this fight yet I still don't trust her so I put a program on her phone to monitor any text or phone calls she makes. About a week or so later I get a message that she sent to him basically saying "my husband works late tonight, you should come over." He says lol no and she says "c'mon you know you want to" At this point I am done, I want a divorce, I want to leave that night, I want to hurt her, etc. But first I confront her. She says "It was meant as a joke." I ask her why she deleted it then. She says "cuz I knew if you saw it you would feel hurt." I tell her I am leaving her and I want a divorce but after many, many, many hours we finally make up. She says she will only talk to him at work, she will delete him from her phone and facebook, she says we can go to counseling, she says she will do anything to make this right. The next day she starts talking to him again. A week later she starts flirting with him again. This was...a while ago. Maybe a month, maybe more. She again assures me that nothing is going on, that they have talked about it and that they are just friends. She has been...kinda better. She sent him a text saying how she had a dirty dream about him but she then told me about it. Which is better I guess, it is better then her trying to hide stuff from me again. But I still feel betrayed, she told me she would stop talking to him outside of work and then the next day starts talking to him again. I feel like if you have feelings for someone and you are already with someone else (weather it be boyfriend or husband) you should cut ties with that person. Otherwise you are simply tempting fate. Or you simply don't care about your significant other.
So basically it all comes down to this. I have not spied on her in a few weeks, I have tried to trust her on everything she says, I have talked to her about continuing to talk to him when she admitted to having feelings for him (to which I get the reply "you are over reacting") I am trying to move past this and trust her again but I feel like I can't and it is just making me miserable. As far as I can tell she has stopped doing everything she has done before (sending the dirty text and pics) but again I have no way of knowing for sure because I have stopped spying on her. So what do you guys think I should do? (If your still with me that is) Should I resume spying just to ease my mind, should I try harder to trust her? Does anyone have any tips on how to do that?
sorry for the wall o text and thanx for reading.
Also, I should point out that she isn't entirely to blame. I too have done things I am not proud of. When I lost my job I got very depressed, and pushed my wife and son away. Also I would go onto places like chatroulette and omegle and fool around with the girls on there (although I would like to say in my defense that I never showed myself, I always had a picture where my webcam was supposed to be) So she isn't entirely to blame, but I feel like she has done more damage since she personally knows the guy and continues (kinda) the same behavior she has done before since our big fight. I should also say that I have stopped doing any of that since our second fight because what she did hurt me so much and I didn't want to put her through that kind of pain. And yes she knows about it. That came out in our big fight too. I love my wife, I don't want to be with anyone else, and I am trying everything I can think of to make this work. I just need to get over this one part and I feel like we can be a family again.
So basically it all comes down to this. I have not spied on her in a few weeks, I have tried to trust her on everything she says, I have talked to her about continuing to talk to him when she admitted to having feelings for him (to which I get the reply "you are over reacting") I am trying to move past this and trust her again but I feel like I can't and it is just making me miserable. As far as I can tell she has stopped doing everything she has done before (sending the dirty text and pics) but again I have no way of knowing for sure because I have stopped spying on her. So what do you guys think I should do? (If your still with me that is) Should I resume spying just to ease my mind, should I try harder to trust her? Does anyone have any tips on how to do that?
sorry for the wall o text and thanx for reading.
Also, I should point out that she isn't entirely to blame. I too have done things I am not proud of. When I lost my job I got very depressed, and pushed my wife and son away. Also I would go onto places like chatroulette and omegle and fool around with the girls on there (although I would like to say in my defense that I never showed myself, I always had a picture where my webcam was supposed to be) So she isn't entirely to blame, but I feel like she has done more damage since she personally knows the guy and continues (kinda) the same behavior she has done before since our big fight. I should also say that I have stopped doing any of that since our second fight because what she did hurt me so much and I didn't want to put her through that kind of pain. And yes she knows about it. That came out in our big fight too. I love my wife, I don't want to be with anyone else, and I am trying everything I can think of to make this work. I just need to get over this one part and I feel like we can be a family again.