I am not filing for divorce. Im going to move to get a separation agreement between us so we can have ground rules. She wants a divorce, I want to save the marriage but she wants nothing to do with it. Im going the tough love route with nothing else to lose and am firing the big guns as soon as I can. Im still not finding the number, going to have to pay for it I think. Anyone know a way to find a phone number if I have the name and address of the person?
A separation will only allow her to continue with her affair without you in the way. Are you nuts?
Tough love would be filing for divorce and allowing her to really begin to see the natural consequences of her actions. Without consequences people do not change behavior. Anyway, filing doesn't mean you are divorced...it's a process that can be halted along the way, if you can get her out of the affair fog. Translation, if you can successfully end her affair through exposure.
You'll most likely have to pay a few bucks thru a site like people search to get a phone number. If I couldn't get it that way, I would drive to the address when you think OM might be working and simply knock on the door. Yes, this would be hard, but you're at war now remember?
She has the receipt abortion. I know in which bag but at this point I doubt I will be able to get it, she is gone and I doubt that bag will show up again but if it does you can bet I am all over it.
I am looking for a home phone number then before I move on it will examine the evidence again. Even though it does not list names I am sure the birthday note to him on his birthday with that listed will pinpoint him. Lots of other stuff too. Will let you all know what I find.
Play dumb for a while to get her to come back to the house. Ask to go the mariage counselling, date's, etc. Tell her you want to fix the marraige. Once she comes home get all the evidence, without them your exposure is useless.
Working on one thing at a time my brother. Your fervor is great though, I'm trying to get this number first and waiting on the attorney to call back. I hear what you are saying though!
Quote:
Originally Posted by baldmale
A separation will only allow her to continue with her affair without you in the way. Are you nuts?
Tough love would be filing for divorce and allowing her to really begin to see the natural consequences of her actions. Without consequences people do not change behavior. Anyway, filing doesn't mean you are divorced...it's a process that can be halted along the way, if you can get her out of the affair fog. Translation, if you can successfully end her affair through exposure.
You'll most likely have to pay a few bucks thru a site like people search to get a phone number. If I couldn't get it that way, I would drive to the address when you think OM might be working and simply knock on the door. Yes, this would be hard, but you're at war now remember?
Spokeo says she is married but lists him as single living in the same house address for two years. I wonder what the deal is. Has to be married, only one way to find out right. Give her a call and ask!
Got her digits.
Spokeo says she is married but lists him as single living in the same house address for two years. I wonder what the deal is. Has to be married, only one way to find out right. Give her a call and ask!
Got her digits.
She'll be emotional, so stay calm...a brief apology for having to give her this information is probably a good way to start. Most likely she'll talk it through with you and thank you by the end of the call. Small chance she'll blow up at you, but at least you did the right thing.
This is day two of me finding out. Yesterday I confronted her immediately. Last night she did not come back but plans on coming back today (Friday night) to be with the kids. I am in Wisconsin which is a 50/50 state and she has the right to return unless I have something from the court to stop her. She is being stubborn just for the sake of being stubborn so I am waiting on a call back from an attorney who can better advise me on how to handle the coming weekend.
After reading the advice here I realize I need to be very cautious in dealing with her. I believe she is the enemy right now and has no care in her mind except for what her warped desires might be. Depending on what the attorney says I will either just stay out of the way because she has to leave on Monday to go back to work anyways or I will invite a pastor to come stay the weekend with us. Thoughts?
She IS moving out, that was her goal from day one, I just kicked it up a notch when I found out about the affair yesterday, I believe she is looking for an apartment and does have the money and friends to stay anywhere she wants until then. She just seems to like to try to get under my skin by coming back.
Until then, there are some things I do not want to do because the foundations I am trying to build for my success in this are not set yet.
Priority one is talking with an attorney and getting a separation agreement into place before the court and get her served. I don't know all the details of the state of WI but the assistant at the law office said there is something we can do to prevent her coming and going as she pleases.
I spent most the night reading these forums which have given me a clear understanding that the gloves are already off, and I need to get ahead of this and take charge or I'm going to be hurting down the road. So I am going full speed ahead. At this point reconciliation is up to my God and her. Its like miracle level though, and that's HIS deal and I don't have to think or deal with it... just need to do my share.
The attorney will help me get visitation rights, property rights, and everything else rolling so I can have the authority of the state to stop the chaos my wife wants to introduce.
Here is my fear, maybe the lot of you can call it like you see it. I am worried that if I pull the trigger on letting the OMW know before I have my own feet under me attorney and separation wise I am going to put myself and my kids at even more or a risk.
Does a week or two, or even a month (however long the court takes) make that much of a difference. I know it would to me, but even as much as I hate knowing the OMW is getting hurt Ive got to look out after me and mine first.
There HAS to be an order of priority on this. Mine is setting up the offense so I am secure with things before making a move like that. Thoughts?
Here is the other thing. I KNOW I am going to have to get a job, I'm not going to rationalize that with everyone. I know what you are saying... I'm a homeschooling Dad of a learning disabled daughter and my son. The education system was failing her and there is no other option but to home school her. It has been incredibly successful, I am very good at it, and I do not intend to stop that.
I would rather not have my wife or another woman if it means having to surrender the successful future I know I am giving my daughter right now. I'm not even going to discuss that me being a SAHD is why my wife lost respect, no way I am taking that blame. SHE is messed up, has been messed up, and over the last 20 or so years of marriage and dating each time we hit the wall I always worked on the issues and she just slid on by. That I will take the blame for, I should have not let her continue on and been more active on getting help years ago. Water under the bridge, I know this now, and dont live with the regrets. She after all could deal with the problems on her own, Im not in control of her.
So my point is! I WILL get a job, but for five days out of the week and on the evenings during that week I am the "single" parent. I have always been! My wife is a workaholic, it is how she copes, she gets her value from work and those there. She doesn't like coming home because she is and never has been such a great wife or mother. She is about to get a rude awakening to how difficult it is to really raise kids especially now that they are under the stress of this separation and affair.
If I get a job now I undermine my alimony, and support, and help pay for her consequences. As soon as I get the custody rights and schedule banged out then I have the solid ability to find some work because she will be forced to have the kids on a set schedule. She makes a ton of money, thanks to me supporting her from home, no way she climbs the corporate ladder with a family of two without someone pulling the other half of the weight.
Im just saying, when I work, I want to work for these kids and OUR home. Right now I won't give her an inch of support because it will hurt me in court.
Your instincts from a legal end to hold off on disclosing are correct temporarily. I can't go into detail right now, but I have posted advice about that before. I will try to go into some detail when I get the time. Posted via Mobile Device
SS, have you taken half the money out of the joint accounts yet?? You need to do this. She knows you will need funds to attack her, so she may beat you to it. Some say take half, ME, I would do 90%, and let the judge work it out. You said shes not much of a mother, so she may figure it won't hurt them, and you won't have money for a lawyer.
It's another day and we're thinking of you. There may come a time when your wife will want to see if you can reconcile. There may come a time when your wife will pretend she wants to reconcile to see what she can get you to give up along the way to a final D. Keep your eyes and ears open, but leave all negotiations to your lawyer.
Now, on the question of whether to expose and when to expose, there are three major lines of thought. One is to always expose because it feels good. Two is to expose because that is the only chance there is to stop the affair? Often, the second approach is the best. However: Three is the legal approach, and that is the one I suggest in your circumstances.
Her fear of disclosure and her almost certain desire to protect the other guy is a powerful tool on your side. Your W may be more willing to enter into an agreement she does not like in exchange for keeping everything quiet. BUT, that won't last forever. If details somehow get out before you have a chance to use them to your advantage, You will have lost an opportunity. Don't lose your advantage and leverage.
Given your current circumstance of watching the children and not working, your strongest position legally would be to file for D ASAP. If your W claims she Is repentant and wants to R, you are not going to believe her. If the D is finalized and you want to date her or even live together again, fine. If your W says she really really wants to move back with you and reconcile and you really really buy it, do NOT buy it unless she is willing to sign a binding post-nuptial agreement with you so that all of your current financial considerations are protected.
Talk about all of this with your lawyer. Posted via Mobile Device
17Likes
Re: Once more unto the breech... 
