Once more unto the breech...
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-26-2012, 11:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Once more unto the breech...

I'm a 37 year old man with a 10 year old daughter and 7 year old son. In August I would have been married 15 years to my wife. For the past three months my wife has completely withdrawn and said repeatedly she feels I never loved her and that she could never please me. I've bent over backwards for these three months trying to please her. Even going so far as to sleep on a cot in the basement. She has treated me worse and worse in these three months and about a month in I began to become suspicious. While changing the oil in her car I found some papers indicating she had an abortion about two months into our troubles. I have had the operation " so I was sure something was up. One morning while she was showering I dug around in her purse and found she was back on birth control. Stupid me tried to rationalize it and I felt guilty invading her privacy. In all the married time there has never been reason doubt her so this was new to me. I noticed she was making a lot of cash transactions and there were a lot of missing time. She works and I homeschooling our two kids.
I quietly kept track but never confronted her. Thank God in this past week these forums linked me to a book by Dr. James Consonant called Love Must Be Tough. It instantly changed how I was viewing things and broke me out of my victim stance. Today she took the kids to work for the day and I went to work on her email account. Right around the beginning of our troubles she got a iPhone and has always been very secretive with it. Never letting out of her sight and if I got near it always running to grab it. She uses gmail and let the computer save her password. Same with Facebook. It only took a second to dig around and there in her sent folder was a detailed note of dates and messages detailing the affair with a married father of two teenagers she worked with. I read just enough to figure out the truth and who it was. I made a copy for lawyer proof down the road if needed and hid it away. I won't read anymore because putting the lewd details of the affair into my mind is unnecessar and destructive. For some reason she included a timeline, location and even events. Including the abortion date. Will continue ...
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Old 04-26-2012, 11:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Once more unto the breech...

So this really caught me off guard. We had decided she should separate but she has said right to my face she is not having an affair. I realize now anything is possible and I can't trust anything she says. Dr. Dobson says in his book that in order to regain self respect and have any chance of saving the marriage in the future the victim must hold the cheater responsible and allow them to face the consequences for their affair. This very dame afternoon I settled on what to say and texted her to come home early so we could talk. She wanted to know what about but I would not say. As soon as she got home I told the kids to play and I took her outside to the van and told her I knew about the affair and the abortion and that it was not acceptable behaviour in our family. I told her even knowing this I ws willing to work on things. I then asked if she wanted to commit to saving our marriage and she flat out said no. In no uncertain terms I asked her to then get her stuff for the rest of the week and find someplace else to stay. She of cousmrse said no. Here is the crazy part. She said she had no place to go. I told her to go stay with the guy she was having an affair with knowing full well he is a cheating husband and father too. She said she broke it off even though i know she texted him asking him if they could find s quiet place to talk. She was probably going to tell him she was moving out and going to get a love pad...
Too continue...

Last edited by StayingStrong; 04-26-2012 at 11:51 PM.
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Old 04-26-2012, 11:47 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Once more unto the breech...

Exposť the OM to his wife and both of thm to HR. then expose to her.

She obviously can lie right to your face, even get an abortion and come home like nothing happened.

She is a cold slick one. So you need to destroy her safety net in the affair otherwise she will just lie to you and keep seeing him just deeper under ground.
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Old 04-26-2012, 11:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Once more unto the breech...

Is this an on going affair or are you just writing your story?
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Old 04-27-2012, 12:01 AM   #5 (permalink)
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This is what happened in the last three months up to today. Anyways. We argued back and forth. She never once said she was sorry for the affair. She believes I drove her too it. I would not budge. Stuck to my guns and kept saying she had to go. She said the stupidest thing when I said get a hotel room. She said the kids won't be comfortable le in a hotel room. As if that compares to the nightmare of emotional pain she is about to unleadgmh on them!
I told her i was going to leave so she could have time to pack and would compromise and let her have the kids all weekend. I told her since I could not trust her I would have to talk to a counselor or attorney about scheduling or anything else. She bristled at that and wanted to know if I had an attorney. All I said was I would tomorrow. I just took the kids and left and did not come back until 8 tonight. When I pulled in her car was gone and when I went inside so were Somme other tell tale stuff so I knew she wasn't coming back. I felt good! But it was short lived...too continue
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Old 04-27-2012, 12:10 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Once more unto the breech...

Why the heck didn't you expose her affair partner?
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Old 04-27-2012, 12:20 AM   #7 (permalink)
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My ten year old is real smart. She has been paying attention. She saw moms stuff gone and broke down crying asking me if mom moved out. This is where it gets real. She and my son are heart broken. They can't understand and I'm nit sure how much to tell them. Doesn't face my wife though. She is out to diner with "friends". My daughter wants to talk to mom. I should have made up an excuse but let her call thinking my wife needs to see and hear what she has caused. So I interrupt her diner and she takes the call and tries to tell my little one everything is going to be okay. Seriously. She does nit have a clue.
Both kids talk to her and mom is making all sorts of promises. She will see them on the weekend, then on Friday night she says and finally she says she is coming home tonight. I'm like thinking hell no you are not.
Once the kids are done being told by their cheating mom everything is alright I take the phone to remind her not to come home. I use big words like doors locked garage turned off and hope she gets the point. She starts screaming at me about fifty fifty and breaking down the door and calling the cops. I told her to bring it on and she hung up on me. Hope she was near her friends when this all went down. So this was a few hours ago tonight. It is now twelve thirty and I think and pray she cane to her senses. Doors are locked and I don't want to let her in now. Might call the cops and say a burglar is breaking in if she shows up. I called the sheriff and he said I have to let her in legally. That sucks. So I'm hoping she pulled her head out of her selfish jazz and found a hotel. Lord knows she knows how to rent them by the hour. She can figure out the price of a whole night. I dud one thing I regret today and that is I sent her a text after the last blowout on the phone. I was in the right position and got sift. Last time I do that. M not going to initiate with her.
Here is the deal. We both are Christ followers. She obviously has gone prodigal it as I call it over to the dark side. I know God can and us coming heavy after her in only the way he can. I believe I need to stay strong and let her live with the consequences if her actions.
so I don't want to burn bridges but I need to move on with life and nit be a weak sack anymore.
New territory for me. Always happy to get good advice and encouragement to know I am not alone. Going to be a battle I intend to win with my honor intact.
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Old 04-27-2012, 12:25 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Good question. This JUST all happened today so besides booting her out it trying to I've been busy
The truth is I thought about telling the guy or his wife but I have time deal with my own wife still. And burning bridges with two kids involved without thinking it through JUST TO GET REVENGE sounds pretty lame right now. My wife us the bread winner. I've been a stay at home dad and homeschooling them now so getting her fired hurts my possible alimony and their child support. Anyone burned the affair partner and came out ahead in any way but saving face?
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Why the heck didn't you expose her affair partner?
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Old 04-27-2012, 12:26 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Once more unto the breech...

Did you expose her affair/abortion to the other man's wife? Her/your family? Friends?

If you haven't already, you might want to act fast and do it now. Almost every cheater feeds their side of the story making the betrayed the bad person.
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Old 04-27-2012, 12:27 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Once more unto the breech...

StayingStrong,

Consider reading Just Let Them Go and The 180 degree rules. Their purpose is to make you emotionally strong to move on with your life with or without her.

We've been where you are, you are not alone.
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Old 04-27-2012, 12:38 AM   #11 (permalink)
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She has a totally separate set if work friends. I'm not involved and like I said. I've going to talk to some professional counselor about what to do with what I know. This involves another family and kids. Not wise to jump into things unless its well thought out. I have all the printed evidence so that's like a card I could play at some point. I have told all our MUTUAL friends and everyone on my side of the family. Her mom was a cheater as well. No point in telling them. She would get a reward. We have a strong shared church community, they will know she has had an affair and wants to separate. Its all only going to be long term pressure from those places because she has isolated herself from them and will continue to do so.

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Did you expose her affair/abortion to the other man's wife? Her/your family? Friends?

If you haven't already, you might want to act fast and do it now. Almost every cheater feeds their side of the story making the betrayed the bad person.
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Old 04-27-2012, 12:42 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Thanks morituri, going to read them now. Almost 1 am now. I think I won this first battle of wills! Such an emotional day. So tired but hate lying down. Night is the toughest trying to win the battle in my mind. Thanks for the support. Will keep updating.

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StayingStrong,

Consider reading Just Let Them Go and The 180 degree rules. Their purpose is to make you emotionally strong to move on with your life with or without her.

We've been where you are, you are not alone.
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Old 04-27-2012, 03:01 AM   #13 (permalink)
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You only have something printed out if you have an extra copy stored somewhere safe and outside of your house and outside of where she can access it.

You do not lie to your children but you do not trash your wife to them or in front of them.

You see a lawyer even if you have no intent or desire to divorce. You need to know your rights.

You get a couple of small recorders. You did not know your W was capable of this so you cannot predict what else she is capable of. You don't need her to show up at the house alone or with some friend as a "witness" saying you hit her or grabbed her and tore her blouse. Have a hidden recorder to protect yourself any time you are in her presence. How can she get back in the house with the kids? By getting you thrown out and getting a restraining order preventing you from seeing the kids. That could also change the payment possibilities if you have been at home schooling the children.

it's just starting. Protect yourself.
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Old 04-27-2012, 03:39 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Once more unto the breech...

SS,

Just Waiting and Morituri have given you good advice.

Your wayward wife is the Anti Christ my friend. Right now she is evil and you do not need her around your family.

If she can lie to your face about the affair and abortion then she is pretty messed up.

Go see an attorney right away. You need to setup child support and alimony asap in a separation agreement.

You also need to let the other mans wife know what he did. She has a right to be informed of what her husband is doing.

Remember you are not hurting their family by telling her of the affair. Your wife and her husband are hurting both of your families. You need to bring the affair out in the light. To kill it no matter if you want to R or D.

I agree about not going to HR if you have no source of income at the moment. Definitely see the attorney.

I am sorry you are in this mess. You are in the right place for advice.
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Old 04-27-2012, 05:16 AM   #15 (permalink)
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She has a totally separate set if work friends. I'm not involved and like I said. I've going to talk to some professional counselor about what to do with what I know. This involves another family and kids. Not wise to jump into things unless its well thought out. I have all the printed evidence so that's like a card I could play at some point. I have told all our MUTUAL friends and everyone on my side of the family. Her mom was a cheater as well. No point in telling them. She would get a reward. We have a strong shared church community, they will know she has had an affair and wants to separate. Its all only going to be long term pressure from those places because she has isolated herself from them and will continue to do so.


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Good plan. In the mean time please tell it only to the wife of the other man. Just like you know of their adultery she deserves to know it too.
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