How often do you ask questions? Think about it?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-27-2012, 08:28 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How often do you ask questions? Think about it?

I'm seven months out from D-Day and it is still on my mind 24/7. It's like it has become a part of me. I question all the ten years I was kept in the dark. Wonder who I'm married to... Even when I'm doing other things, it is still in the background of my mind. Course, I feel like I don't have closure, that's there's still more. This might be my problem? It really has changed me as a person.
How does everyone else feel and how far out are out?

I'm also wondering how often you talk to your WS about it? Do you keep it bottled up inside? Or tell them what you're feeling or worrying about as the emotions come? WS still gets defensive when I ask questions.

(I know, not a sign of true remorse. Or it's a sign he is still hiding stuff from me when he explodes. I personally think it is the latter. He seems really sorry and depressed about what he has done to this family, but I really think he's hiding things from me still and I think he is too scared to confess more. I mean, he hid the ONS for ten friggin years. I think he's seen how much damage of what he has told me has done and he thinks if he tells me the rest it will be the end. Yet, it EATS AT ME.)

I tried not to ask or say anything for a few days and last night I just had a meltdown. Hid up in the bathroom after the kids went to bed and bawled for like an hour.
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Old 04-27-2012, 08:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How often do you ask questions? Think about it?

Your feelings are warranted and valid.
I dont think one loses any dignity when choosing to work through an issue like this the best they know how. I am seven months past my divorce due to my ex wife's affair, and at this point, the shock of it has certainly waned, and anymore all that happens is that I wish I didnt have to see her as often as I do. (kid involved)
I am not harboring any desire at all to return to that relationship, and often cite her affair and secrecy about it as the straw that broke the camels back. Addressing it and moving past it however best you know how right now is all you can do, and that definitely involves some really difficult hurt to get out.
In your situation I would think that you have every right to talk about it as often and as much as you need. He just has to suck it up and take ownership. One would think his desire would be to help you through it as opposed to exploding, so that part kind of seems less than prudent on his part.
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Old 04-27-2012, 09:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How often do you ask questions? Think about it?

Almost two years out from D-Day and right at a year since REAL R began, and it still comes to mind sometimes. The doubts - in myself and in her - still drift in and out. It's a long healing process, that others will agree can take years. A betrayal like this most certainly makes you question every interaction you've ever had with your spouse...makes you wonder if you know everything now, or if you ever will truly know everything. In my case, the questions and the triggers have lessened over time. I imagine they'll continue to do so. Will they ever COMPLETELY go away? I don't know. I'd like to think so, but I'm working under the principle of planning FOR that, but not planning ON it.
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Old 04-27-2012, 10:21 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I am over 3 years out from dday, the first year + I thought about it multiple times, every day. Now I go days w.o. thinking about it. Certain times I will...have a trigger. Nothing really major. I stopped asking questions about a year after. I'm confident I know enough. And we have had a true R. We are doing a wknd getaway...just the 2 of us, leaving today after work!!.

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Old 04-27-2012, 10:45 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How often do you ask questions? Think about it?

We're a year and a half since the last D Day (just over 2 years since the first) and only now has the urge to ask questions been fading for me.
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Old 04-27-2012, 11:15 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How often do you ask questions? Think about it?

I dont ask questions anymore because for almost every day for 6 months straight I did that

we do still talk about the affair on ocassion
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Old 04-27-2012, 01:26 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How often do you ask questions? Think about it?

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I dont ask questions anymore because for almost every day for 6 months straight I did that

we do still talk about the affair on ocassion
And they were cool with that? WS says he's tired of the questions.
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Old 04-27-2012, 01:27 PM   #8 (permalink)
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And they were cool with that? WS says he's tired of the questions.
well it's not like she enjoyed it but she knew she had to do it to help me heal or else we'd end up divorced
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Old 04-27-2012, 01:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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well it's not like she enjoyed it but she knew she had to do it to help me heal or else we'd end up divorced
Ya, WS doesn't get that. Last couple days I've kept quiet I've been stirring.
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Old 04-27-2012, 01:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
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well it's not like she enjoyed it but she knew she had to do it to help me heal or else we'd end up divorced
Same with my hubby. I do still ask occasionally, and he still answers. As time goes on he's actually less defensive.
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Old 04-27-2012, 02:05 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How often do you ask questions? Think about it?

For better or for worse, I've somewhat positioned myself out of asking more questions. During our last confrontation, after learning new facts, and with her (as is expected) only admitting to what can be confirmed, I told her that if I ever learned differently, that it was a dealbreaker. So, my asking more questions about specifics could easily be seen as me throwing in the towel and looking for a reason to end it.

So, I'm learning to accep what I do know, and if any new information comes to light, let the chips fall where they may.
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Old 04-27-2012, 02:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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For better or for worse, I've somewhat positioned myself out of asking more questions. During our last confrontation, after learning new facts, and with her (as is expected) only admitting to what can be confirmed, I told her that if I ever learned differently, that it was a dealbreaker. So, my asking more questions about specifics could easily be seen as me throwing in the towel and looking for a reason to end it.

So, I'm learning to accep what I do know, and if any new information comes to light, let the chips fall where they may.
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I think I put myself in this position, too. I said the same thing and another time I made the mistake saying if the EA was physical it would kill me. Now I think he's scared to say anything and I'm left doubting for the rest of my life. I feel cursed.
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