Pit-of-my-stomach

lol. that's funny.

Tell this person it's a great idea. In the thousands of years of documented infidelity, it's amazing no one has thought if that before.

Makes you wonder if anyone has tried it, then decided this was just to great a discovery to share the secret with others.... ???

Can't imagine why else they wouldn't want to talk about the results of this "love them back to loyal" approach... ???

HMmmmmm.... [scratches head].

Tell them it's a great idea for a book. Please document everything.

__________________
Never say Never- The Fog
4 No0bs

Amplexor

That's a good question and hard to explain without understanding the nuances of our marriage. But I didn't say all hard-lines would have killed it. I said exposure would have. But I have always stated that exposure is is the nuclear option and there is a strong possibility it may back fire. In our case it would have. Would a hard 180 early on have accelerated the R, there's no way to determine that for sure. Maybe, but I doubt it, because the marriage was too badly damaged at the point of D-Day.

But the things that were built in the year prior to the ultimatum all played in it being successful. She knew I was committed to the marriage but she also knew I was ready to end it if needed.

I do understand peoples' hesitancy to use the hard line tactics because the are counterintuitive to what our heart and heads are telling us to do. I am not advocating the a softer approach is the best way to go. And I am certainly not suggesting people in broken marriages shy away from taking a leap of faith that a 180 type approach may be the best thing you can do for your marriage. It works, I've seen it, I've recommended it, it's just not a magic pill and it needs to be thought through.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

Almostrecovered

well I wont ever claim it is a magic pill, but I will state that it may be the only real shot they have

__________________
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
Newbies please read this
My story

Amplexor

Fully agree, it may be.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

iheartlife

Here's my theory, because Amplexor and I have a few things in common in our stories.

I think that EAs have a shelf life. They burn hot at the beginning, but just like any other infatuation, they cool with time. They might stay hotter for longer at the start, because so much of reality is removed. The stuff that makes you realize your true love has warts after all; that is pretty much nonexistent in EAs. Some people have to actually move in with the EA for some time for the warts to be revealed.

But as AR points out, having full knowledge of the EA and letting it burn itself out--well who can withstand that? If I had known the EA was going on for THREE YEARS, I would have lost my sanity. It would have sent my self-esteem into a black hole and I might never have recovered it.

I think this method is very, very dangerous. After wasting a long period of time on this sytem, you still come out the other end with very little certainty that the WS will come back to the marriage.

And for most people, knowing that the EA was going on all that time would turn love toward the WS into hate.

Meantime, I am appalled what it would teach children watching all of this. I'm not even going to go there.

Halien

These discussions can unintentional make it sound like the approach to dealing with infidelity is to choose either Plan A or Plan B, but there is a person with a very individual personality type within each of these options, and I don't think we give enough credit to how much the 180 style approach really facilitates a stronger personality, or impression, that is much more likely to make a spouse respond more positively in the first place. Too many times, a person will make up their mind to carry out this stronger, tougher approach, but the whole personna that they are projecting in their words here make you think that their spouse might still perceive it as a weak, supplicative approach. The impression management style is projected as ingratiating within the actual conversations that have to take place within the 180, which would only make the spouse dig in their heels.

Unfortunately, when a person has been devastated by infidelity, it isn't a time where it is easy, or even where they would be receptive, to how they can best make the kind of impression on their spouse that might subconsciously put their spouse into the inferior role within the conversation.

Amp has a good point, in my opinion, on the importance of approaching this with confidence and faith that reconciling is the right thing. But from the aspect of impression management, I would still lean to the side of the tough, firm approach. Personally, I think it is possible to project rejection while you are having the tough discussions, while the same 180 tools should project confidence, and turning back to the marriage.

Beowulf

Its interesting that you ask that question because its been on my mind for a while now. I don't believe that you can nice someone out of an affair but I do believe that you can use a tactic like the 180 and the threat of a divorce to get the spouse to reengage in the marriage and end the affair without employing all the nuclear options as Amp so aptly put it (although sometime the nuke is required). The other consideration is that ending the affair is just the first step. Reconciliation is the next step and depending on how much goes on in the course of ending the affair R may not always be possible. I do think that once R starts both parties have to work on their issues and the issues of the marriage collectively and its definitely good to keep things on a cordial basis while that is proceeding along.

TDSC60

My wife was in an EA way back before it was given that name. I saw it. She didn't try to hide anything. She just did not volunteer the info. And she absolutely refused to admit that anything was going on, emotional or otherwise.

It was only after I found out the the "friend" she was meeting for lunch and occasional dinner was a male she met at the gym, that I told her what she was doing was unacceptable. She claimed nothing was going on and they were just friends. He was going through a tough time in his marriage and she was giving him advice. I told her that meeting another man for coffee, lunch or dinner was called "Dating" and I would not be there any longer if she continued.

I agree it does not work in every situation, but I think you have to establish immediate boundaries. I told her she was absolutely free to make her own choices, as I was and that she now knew exactly what my choice would be if she chose to continue with him.

profos

I see this sort of thing all the time, where the betrayed partner is convinced that their cheating partner was only involved in an emotional affair not a physical one, even though they admitted to physically meeting their affair partner, in cars, restaurants, and even hotels!

They HAD SEX. It's not an EA at that point, its a full blown, sexual, physical affair. Even if they told you it didn't get that far.. remember, they told a lot of lies, only giving up the truth on a forced "need to know" basis only.

sirdano

I did.

When I found out I never begged her to stay or change her mind or anything. I did not let myself fall into sorrow or wallow about what happen.

I made sure everyone knew what happen even the kids. And yes I was partly to blame for pushing her into it for being a uncaring person.

I also thought what good does it do to just be hate to someone you known for 22 years. And with the kids around. This would not be a good example to them. I wanted to express to them that no matter how bad someone can hurt you is to never to return that back to someone.

Now it was not like she got off scott free. We went to consoling for three months straight @ $120 pop.

But throught this we are much stronger

profos

Involving the kids was a huge mistake.

I hope you understand that.

warlock07

Working's Husband supposedly did that. Though their R ultimately failed

jeepgal

When I was 4 months pregnant, I found out my husband was having an affair. It started as an online thing that quickly turned into real life. I was hurt, angry, all emotions you can imagine multiplied by ten. I immediately went into ***** mode. I slapped him, I screamed, demanded he move out, etc., etc.

After we had a chance to calm down, he blamed me for what he did. Said I was no longer meeting his emotional and physical needs. For a few months, I begged and pleaded with him to end the affair and then the very next day I would call him and tell him I never wanted to see him again.

I don't know what it was, maybe my pregnancy hormones or something, but I finally just gave up and decided to swallow my pride and I called him and said I was sorry for not meeting his needs and that he had every right to do what he did and I hope he was happy with his new love and that for the sake of the baby, I wanted us to at least get along and be peaceful to one another and try to be the best parents to our little girl once she was born.

It worked. He ended his affair shortly thereafter and begged me to work things out with him. We had the honeymoon phase and then I gave birth and all was well in the world.

But almost ten years later, the anger has gotten stuck in my throat and I am now actually feeling the pain and dredging up all of the memories and it's been hell. So, being nice did work to bring him back to me but now I am thinking that I was just a weak, sad, pathetic loser.

profos

Well, yeah.. he betrayed you in the ultimate act of deception and you basically kissed his ass and validated his actions.

It bothered you to do this but you buried it in the back of your mind where it's been festering.. for.. wow.. 10 years.

At least you finally figured it out. Now do what you should have done a decade ago.

Just Tired Of It All

ditto