Re: does anyone have a R story where they niced their spouse out of an affair?
AR~
As you know, I am a former disloyal spouse. I used to post here in the past, and at that time I was moreso into pointing out how each person was responsible for their own issues in the marriage and that affairs don't happen in a vacuum...meaning that it's not like the loyal spouses are usually "model" spouses. The difference is that the loyal spouse (using very broad generalities here) usually "got lazy" at the worst; whereas the disloyal spouse didn't protect themselves or their marriage and at any point could have chosen to speak to their spouse about their dissatisfaction rather than choosing an affair...and they didn't.
However, after stepping away from the board for a bit, I went to another spot where literally every spouse believed their disloyal was in a mid-life crisis, said "Ah well that it explains it poor baby," and then they would sit back and (using your terms) try to nice them back into the marriage! I mean, they kept the affair secret, covered up for their bad behavior, lied to their kids about where their spouse WAS or who they were with, kept having sex with them, let them come and go...all the while saying they were 'standing' for their marriage until the spouse "found themselves or figured it out." Literally the disloyal spouse was free to carry on their affair SCOTT FREE because "it was a midlife crisis and they were sick in the head and couldn't help themselves" blah blah blah.
It made me ill!!!!!!
Now I'm not saying that hard-a$$ hardline is the answer. But I can say this. When I had my affair, my Dear Hubby did NOT pretend everything was okay and ignore his suspicions. He did NOT just "let me have my affair." He contacted the OM and informed him that I was married, that he loved me, and that he intended to fight for the marriage until the end and the OM better prepare himself. He informed me that there would NOT be 3 of us and he would NOT have another man in our marriage. And he DID let me see him cry and did not hold back what it was doing to him.
Did he do the 180? Not really. But he didn't follow me around, begging and pouting either. Did he expose? No, he gave me a chance to do the right thing first, and I thank God I made the right choice. Did he demand transparency? Yes, but he also offered it. Did he demand an apology or remorse? No and yes, in that he didn't try to control me or how I felt, but if I hadn't acted in a way that indicated genuine sorrow over what I had done, it would have affected the way he thought of me and our relationship Did he take a hard ass line with me? No, and in our instance "hard a$$" would have been the wrong method due to physical abuse as a child and in my first marriage (in other words, it would have triggered PTSD fear rather than sparking what he wanted); however, he DID take an absolutely firm and consistent stance that there would NOT be a 3rd party, and he would NOT assist in breaking up our marriage. Firm...but gentle. Did he accept responsibility for some part in making me vulnerable? Yes, sort of. See, as I mentioned affairs don't happen in a vacuum and part of his 180-ish behavior was waking up to the fact that he withdrew from me, etc. So he didn't accept blame but did change some of the behaviors that had lead to the situation. Did we recover? Yes Is the marriage better than it was before? YES!! Do I love him? YES and now I keep guard over myself for him. Do I respect his efforts in recovery? YES, enormously!!
I do not count my Dear Hubby's efforts as "nicing" me out of an affair. If he had begged and pleaded and pouted, I would have been ill. If he had just rolled over and let me have an affair, I would have resented him. If he had been TOO a$$hole-esque and drawn a really hard line with a bitter attitude, I would have left thinking it was just another abusive relationship. But since he was firm, did NOT get all weak and emotional and yet did show some emotion (including sadness and hurt), did not take blame but did not hold it over my head like a weapon, and did show me there was a way to get through it...now I respect him more than words can say.
Re: does anyone have a R story where they niced their spouse out of an affair?
I think there might be a misconception about exposure going on. It seems that exposure is often equated with "the nuclear" option. While I agree that some "scorched earth" exposure tactics are a 'chainsaw' where a 'scalpel' would be more effective, I know that tactical, thought out, exposure is almost a 100% must. The main reason is personal sanity and letting go of the toxic nature of "keeping" such a "secret." The biggest bright spot in the first four weeks after D-Day for me was exposure to my parents, her parents, and my boss, who went through a similar situation when he was younger. It literally felt like something was lifted from my soul, and the dam broke. I was able to start mourning the passing of the old relationship and marriage, which in turn led to my ability to look ahead.
Exposure is not always a "nuclear" option. Exposure does not always have to be widespread and loud. When done for the proper reasons and in the proper way, exposure is a must for any BS to get a foothold on healing.
Re: does anyone have a R story where they niced their spouse out of an affair?
If it's the husband having the affair, I know a few situations where the wife has been able to pull things back together (180, expose, etc), and the husband has come back. When it's the wife having the affair, no. Not one single time (with people I know).
Re: does anyone have a R story where they niced their spouse out of an affair?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paladin
I think there might be a misconception about exposure going on. It seems that exposure is often equated with "the nuclear" option. While I agree that some "scorched earth" exposure tactics are a 'chainsaw' where a 'scalpel' would be more effective, I know that tactical, thought out, exposure is almost a 100% must. The main reason is personal sanity and letting go of the toxic nature of "keeping" such a "secret." The biggest bright spot in the first four weeks after D-Day for me was exposure to my parents, her parents, and my boss, who went through a similar situation when he was younger. It literally felt like something was lifted from my soul, and the dam broke. I was able to start mourning the passing of the old relationship and marriage, which in turn led to my ability to look ahead.
Exposure is not always a "nuclear" option. Exposure does not always have to be widespread and loud. When done for the proper reasons and in the proper way, exposure is a must for any BS to get a foothold on healing.
I disagree EXPOSURE is almost always NUCLEAR causing rifts in familys that take years to heal, cause unneeded fights and turmoil, gossip and drama, and almost always paints the WS in a horrible light often before all the facts are known.
IMO< you suck it up and deal with it!! Unless you get divorced then it's fine if everyone knows. All imo!!
Re: does anyone have a R story where they niced their spouse out of an affair?
Quote:
Originally Posted by OhGeesh
I disagree EXPOSURE is almost always NUCLEAR causing rifts in familys that take years to heal, cause unneeded fights and turmoil, gossip and drama, and almost always paints the WS in a horrible light often before all the facts are known.
IMO< you suck it up and deal with it!! Unless you get divorced then it's fine if everyone knows. All imo!!
I must be an anomaly then, no D yet, my fWS was not demonized by anyone (except my very drunk, very irish friend, who has since apologized for being a dbag and supports the rebuilding effort), there are no rifts in our families, in fact I think our families are closer because of the exposure. It allowed the parents of my fWS to let go of the impossibly high standards they had in place for her and see her as a fallible human being, not some super goddess on a pedestal.
More turmoil and drama would be caused by trying to rug sweep and pretend that things were fine when in fact they were very not fine.
We are a cooperative species for a reason, not all problems in life can be handled "rambo" or "solo." Its ok to ask for help sometimes, not asking for help is what leads to the most problems.
Re: does anyone have a R story where they niced their spouse out of an affair?
Quote:
Originally Posted by jeepgal
It worked. He ended his affair shortly thereafter and begged me to work things out with him. We had the honeymoon phase and then I gave birth and all was well in the world.
But almost ten years later, the anger has gotten stuck in my throat and I am now actually feeling the pain and dredging up all of the memories and it's been hell. So, being nice did work to bring him back to me but now I am thinking that I was just a weak, sad, pathetic loser.
It worked, but at what cost? Resentment building up for 10 years, your self esteem shot, him getting off scott free. He got to have an affair, while you picked up the pieces and suffered in silence. It's rug sweeping.
Re: does anyone have a R story where they niced their spouse out of an affair?
In real life I know only one relevant story.
He walked in on his wife cheating, and spent two years working it out and improving himself. Then she moved with her lover to another country. So wasn't quite a success.
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Re: does anyone have a R story where they niced their spouse out of an affair?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paladin
When done for the proper reasons and in the proper way, exposure is a must for any BS to get a foothold on healing.
I won't agree that it is a must but I fully agree it needs to be thought out and done for the right reasons It has to be for recovery, not vindictiveness. It needs to be done to bring pressure on the wayward to accept the consequences of their actions. I also feel that exposure is a much more effective tool in ending a PA than an EA. In our case since no physical contact ever happened she could have easily explained it away as me being "controlling", which was in her eyes a primary issue with me.
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Re: does anyone have a R story where they niced their spouse out of an affair? 
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