From "When is Enough, Enough"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amplexor  I spent a lot of time here on the forum, both giving advice and receiving it. There are many different theories, plans, strategies and opinions on how to recover a marriage and all have their merit in one situation or another. But here at this point, I still look back the four words I felt would bring us home. I put those words in my signature line when I officially joined TAM in early 2008. I've never changed them and today still feel they were a primary factor in our recovery. |
This was from my final post in that thread. And yes I believe a softer approach can be effective but in more of a mixed bag fashion.
Cliff's Notes:
Wife involved in a LDEA for over a year. Complete disconnect between us was a big factor in the EA. Roommates, low sex, bad communication. EA continued on and off for over a year after D-Day.
Did I do the 180? No
Did I expose? No
Did I demand transparency? No
Did I demand an apology or remorse? No
Did I take a hard ass line with her? No
Did I accept responsibility for my part in making her vulnerable? Yes
Did we recover? Yes
Is the marriage better than it was before? Yes
Does my wife love me? Yes
Does she respect my efforts in recovery? Yes
I will preface this with the statement that I believe in the majority of cases a hard line offers the best chances of recovery. I will also accept that our story is not an anomaly but is probably a vast minority.
There is a time and place for the hard-line and a softer touch. Had I gone the exposure route during the early days of R, dollars to dough-nuts, she'd have walked out on me. I could just about guarantee that. While very early on I made the mistake of doting on her every need and trying to carry the entire blame for it all I came to realize we were regressing instead of moving forward. I'd lost my confidence and she knew that. I then spent a lot of time in self reflection to understand what "amount" of the blame I should accept, how to correct that in a way that improved me and the marriage. I used Love Must be Tough which I believe to be a softer version of the 180 and used it to improve myself and my self image rather than to force her to see I was leaving. I would guess we spent a year rebuilding the foundations of the marriage and this was in a softer mode. Friendship, trust, communication, empathy.....and we made progress. But in the end when she couldn't break off the communications I did take a hard line and laid down an ultimatum. It wasn't a macho kind of thing, it was laid out very factually and ended with, "If it continues, I will leave you." Please note the phrasing. It was not "If you don't end it, I will leave you." There is a very subtle difference there between her continuing and me demanding.
I agree with you AR that you cannot sweet-talk a wayward back out of an affair and back into your arms. But I also believe too many people pull the 180, exposure and other harder tactics out of their quiver first and that can be counterproductive also. Sometimes the situation needs to be stabilized first to determine the correct course of action. Our recover was a bit of a high-bread effort with the majority of efforts from a softer more patient approach.
9Likes
does anyone have a R story where they niced their spouse out of an affair? 
Good one--thanks for the funny, AR! Tell that member I said that.
